Day 15; Poem 16
“We Connect, Reconnect”
Is it bold of me to think that I cross your mind?
Not on some friend shit,
But on some, I wonder what she doing type shit
Is she thinking bout me too?
She is, then maybe I should hit her up
Would it be forward of me to think that you miss me?
That you envision my smile
Hear my laugh every once in a while
Could it be that while,
I’m missing you, you miss me too
I could only wish for such luck.
Cause if I had to be honest with myself
I would have to say you’ve been on my mind like lips to fine wine
Running laps through my head no Usain
Missing you so much its a shame
But I keep my thoughts to myself
And hear your voice only when I’m by myself
Thoughts lost on tidbits of your smile
And if I could just wait a while
I’m sure we’ll reconnect.
Sure we’ll get back to that place
Where chemistry and philosophy
ain’t got nothing on what’s between you and me
So deep our minds run like tunnels through the ground
Hearts intertwine and disperse, but always find their way back round
We’re linked you see
No words can describe what has no physicality
But has characteristics of being present entirely
This thing is real
It matters not who she is
Or what he isn’t
What matters is how you blush and don’t know it
And my eyes know my heart and show it
Whenever we meet
Day 14; Poem 15 (Extra!)
Dream With Me
Seeing your face gives me hope
Of my childhood fantasies come true
Don’t ever look away
Dream with me
Day 14; Poem 14
All of the lights are on
But no one is home
Trapped within a shell of myself
My screams fall onto deaf ears
Etched between the fine lines of my face
Beneath the gleam of my smile
Hope is long gone
Nothing is as it seems
I cling desperately to the idea of better days
Days when I don’t feel so isolated
So cast out and away
Death is getting nearer
I can feel it’s cold grasp biting at my toes
I haven’t done all I needed
Seen all I wanted
Loved as much as I could
I fear it will soon be me
And all I’ve left behind will be forgotten
I will be forgotten
It is hard for me to humble myself and be grateful for everything that I have been given. I often feel lost and alone, as if no one understands the things I struggle with daily. I doubt any of my friends have placed themselves in my shoes, so I doubt they understand the random outbursts of anger, flashes of sadness, or how much I try to cling to the happy moments. I see so many of my friends taking the simple things they have for granted, and I wonder if that was me a while ago. Was I so careless? So cold? So wrapped in my own false reality?
There are so many things I have to be grateful for. But everyday, it gets a little bit rougher, the chip on my shoulder gets heavier, and I struggle to maintain the balance, to stay above water. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to break. But I need some kind of release. I am not weak. I am not. I’ve worked too hard to bring myself out of the depression that had consumed me whole. And trying to maintain this illusion of peace, of happiness, of contentment…it is tiring. I don’t have it all together. I’m afraid everyday that things will only get worse. But my faith won’t allow me to wallow in senseless pity. I know things will get worse, but they will also get better.
I have so much to be thankful for. I just cannot put it all into words. I complain on an hourly basis about how screwed up my life is. I judge other people. I think malicious thoughts, I wish ill upon others, and yet I am still alive. How is that fair? What did I ever do to deserve to live while someone younger than I, is gone within the blink of an eye. Everything is so surreal. I just cannot believe that young girl is dead. 3 Weeks before her graduation, before she completed this milestone in her life…her family, her friends, I can’t imagine how heavy their hearts and spirits must be. I barely knew her and yet my tears flow for all that she stood for, for the life that was taken from her, for all the potential, all the good she could have done in this world. Like I said, I am so grateful, but also ashamed because of my joy to be alive. It feels wrong to be glad to still be on this earth, walking, talking, breathing, living–because, she doesn’t do either of those any more. And it isn’t fair. There are so many more vicious and evil people in the world who have done far worse than she, and yet they live. That is the part i will never be able to wrap my head around. Why her? Why now? I pray peace for her spirit and family.
Life is the most precious thing we can ever have. And most will not understand, but it seems as if every time I look up, someone closer to me dies. It really feels like death is inching closer and closer to me–person by person. I just want to truly fulfill my hearts desires before my time on this earth is over. I do fear that I will not get a chance to do that. I do not want to live or act out of fear, but it’s hard when death is staring you in the face. When despair creeps into your heart at night and blurs your dreams with darkness.
I pray I get to experience those amazing feelings of real, rare, true love, uninhibited freedom and happiness before I take my last breath. That is all I have left to say.
Day 13; Poem 13
I am so frustrated.
Nothing is going right.
I’m so tired of everything falling apart.
Graduation looms in the near future,
But all of these roadblocks are wearing me weary.
Tears lie on the brink of falling.
Three long weeks.
Day 12; Poem 12
My breaths are short
Heart erratically beats in my chest
Need steadily increasing
Skin vibrating with anticipation
I remember how your lips feel on mine
How your deft fingers travel with ease
I’m on edge
Only you can bring me down.
Day 11; Poem 11
Pushing the the boundaries
Knocking down walls unseen
Giving myself in all ways
I want this.
Day 10; Poem 10
“I Don’t Like Him”
I don’t like him.
But I think I want him.
I could say a million things about him that turn me off
But I want to kiss and taste him
His demeanor draws me in
But his arrogance disgusts me
Am I becoming a statistic?
I really don’t like him
I don’t find him attractive
But I engage in this sexual banter
Ready for him to prove what he says is true
Maybe it’s the alcohol
Maybe its some hidden attraction
That I’ve just realized
But none the less I want him
But I don’t like him
Its an aggravated attraction
I want to slap him and then kiss him until his lips want nothing but me
But seeing him infuriates me
What is this carnal effect he has on me?
Since day one
I’ve been victim to his appearance, his swag, his presence
What is it about him
His slick tongue angers me but makes me want to outdo him
Put him on his knees and worship me
Cherish what a grace it is to be before me
Admire me, want me.
I want him to want me.
The things I want to do, I could and would do
But, I don’t like him.