There is so much to say.
So many events to recount, so many blessings to make note of. Stories of Casanova and Enigma, of Next Lifetime and Mint Condition
And even Theodore made an appearance or two. So much has happened in this past month. I am content and open to what is coming. I’m looking forward to these next few months.
I am most happy about these blessings from my God. He helped me plan for the future, he gave me visions of what I should be working towards, and because of this I have placed these things at the forefront of my mind. I’ve been diligent, faithful, and flexible. I know that things don’t always work out how I think they will or should, and I have accepted that. And am much happier because of it. God is in control and I know this is how life is supposed to be.
One day soon I I’ll elaborate on these people and happenings, but until then, love life, enjoy the people around you, plan and work towards your goals, and love yourself.
Could this be an overreaction?
This need I have to be near you
To inhale your words
And breathe in your scent
Maybe an obsession?
Cause I count the minutes
Days and seconds that go by
Until we speak again
Til I am engulfed in your embrace
Or is this an addiction?
I feel as though I’m drifting, in and out
You cloud my sight and flood my ears
Consume my thoughts
Leave me anxious and wanting
Could this be love?
He is the forbidden fruit I spoke of in a poem I posted earlier. Casanova. Of course that is not his real name, but he embodies the essence of the man after whom I have chosen his alias. Everything about him pulls me in. And like a Icarus to the sun, I fly, on my wings of feathers and wax.
Sigh…I am not sure why he is my most recent male attraction, but there he is. Yes he’s handsome, he’s talented and funny, yes, all of those things. But so are other guys, but there is just something about Casanova that I just can’t shake…My attraction to him reminds me of a theme inin the myth of Icarus–greed. I, like Icarus, am so wrapped up in having what I want that I pay no heed to the dangers that lie ahead…and with Casanova, he is the worst kind of danger for a girl like me. I want too much to be with him, and not so much in a relationship with him, but rather writhing beneath him. Lust is something I haven’t much really had to deal with, but with this man, I fear that I have opened Pandora’s box and liked what I found. And so, because of this, I wrote another poem that was inspired by Casanova…I just hope I can let this attraction go sooner rather than later. Nothing good can come of it.
“Feathers and Wax”
He’s at the back of my mind
Like an itch I can’t scratch
A habit I can’t shake
The monkey on my back
Constant ache between my thighs.
My body remembers the feel of him
His voice drums in my thoughts
Face highlights my dreams.
This craving, triggered by just his name
Has me soaring head first,
Inhibitions to the wind, into the sun,
On wings of feathers and wax.
Stop before this gets any worse.
Forward not backwards.
Remember your past.
Don’t repeat it.
He is everything I hoped he would be
His smile, his scent,
The very thought of him
Awakens every nerve
Calling me to him.
Once was enough.
I tasted the fruit of temptation
And made it out unscathed.
But now I hunger for it.
I yearn for just one more bite
One more piece
Of the forbidden.
“When it Rains”
It comes and goes,
Much without warning.
The soft pitter-patter
Growing into a resounding symphony.
Its forceful presence
Emits a calm reverie
Bringing down upon the earth
Its cleansing and purifying waves.
Drip drop, plop,
again and again.
Washing away the worries of today
And the sins of yesterday.
Sporadically and righteously
Feeding the seeds of promised harvest,
Rinsing clean what once was of filth.
Leaving behind a pristine slate
And the hope of abundant tomorrows.
Ive been having these really emotionally draining/ jarring dreams as of late. And I can’t, for the life of me, figure out what any of them mean.
I’ve come to the point in my life where I believe God speaks to me through my thoughts. My brain is always active constantly thinking about everything, and I know that that is how my God communicates with me. And I also know that dreams are just visual projections of one’s thoughts…
So my problem is that I am trying to figure out the message here…what has God been trying to tell me in my dreams? My dreams vary, and at most times I have multiple dreams a night because one, I either wake up fully in the middle of the night and then eventually fall back asleep; or two, I wake slightly but fall back asleep almost instantly. It is rare for me to have a continuing dream after I wake up–I wish these dreams had been continued, I would know more about the message, some things would be clearer.
I love having dreams, that’s not the problem. I just can’t piece together what they mean. I have been dreaming a lot more than I usually do, and I feel it in my gut and in my heart that there are messages that lie beneath the haze of sleep. Most times I can’t remember them, but other times I can. If nothing else I know how I feel or felt during the dream, I usually wake up with the same feeling: angry, sad, happy, afraid, etc. Recently I’ve been almost jolted awake–none of the usual “lift from the fog” that I normally experience. Usually I’m slowly dragged from my dream, as if I’m gradually regaining consciousness. But lately, it’s literally as if I’m being snatched out of my dreams–many times physically feeling as if I had been pulled–and in the blink of an eye I’m awake.
These dreams, they leave me with a feeling of loss and confusion. I always feel so bereft and unfulfilled after waking. And almost always, my dreams center around people I love, people I’ve been in love with…
My first assumption or contemplative thought on all if these dreams and the feelings they bring is that God is trying to wake me up, shake me out of this dream-like state I’ve been in emotionally. I always stay attached to people, I’m very possessive in that aspect. I hold onto people who I’ve felt something for, unless it ends horribly, as if I’m waiting for the flame to be rekindled. Perhaps this is God’s way of telling me that it is okay to let go, it is okay to move on…that holding on is really holding me back.
I don’t know why I hold on to the scraps of old love affairs…no, I know. I am afraid of ultimately being alone and unloved. That for a fact is my greatest fear. And I know that God has something better for me…I believe that with all of my heart. But I have never really had to let go like this before…
Maybe I have been too vague in my explanations. These dreams literally make me want to cry, that is, if I don’t actually wake up crying or cry in my sleep. It’s a gentle, but still very sad, process. In my dreams I am faced with a past love of mine and through the course of the dream the person and I reconnect, but the feeling is quickly transformed into a feeling of sadness by an introduction of some sort of rejection: I get replaced by someone else, they leave me or something else happens that puts everything into perspective. And then it is as if I’m watching the dream while still being IN the dream. I still feel every pang in my chest, every note of rejection hits me hard, the realization of it being over is blatantly real. And the guy is always someone I have harbored old feelings for…
My gut is telling me that this is the reason for these dreams, I must let go of these past loves and lovers, what we had is no more. And if I am being completely honest, this makes me so very sad. Some of these dreams leave me feeling so drained and unloved and hopeless. Yes, I actually woke up after crying, I was yanked out of my dream enveloped in heartache, and I shed tears after waking. All of this has happened, and much like in my waking life, these men have actually made me endure it in my dream, still carrying on with their lives.
I’ve always known I was an emotional time bomb, I know I always will be. I can be irrational, impractical, and hopeless to a fault. But perhaps it is time I move on from all of that and allow my heart to mature.
I don’t want to cry from the loss of these loves of mine. I don’t want to feel that sting of pain every time I see that they have moved on romantically. I really can’t take feeling that anymore. And maybe God knows this, and is trying his own method of healing, because maybe I am not strong enough to do it on my own, in my own way. Clearly it hasn’t worked thus far. So no, I dont regret or resent any of these dreams I’ve been having, I just needed so clarity. That is what this post has been for me.
God is helping me remove the rose colored contacts that have been lodged in my eyes for quite some time. I’m slowly–rather quickly actually–coming to grips with the statuses of these relationships I have held onto. They have changed and so must I.
I know that I will always have love for these men, always care in some way. But the harboring of hope that one day we will get back to the way we used to be and walk off into the sunset and live happily ever after, is a fantasy. It is unrealistic. And I get that. We had potential, but it wasn’t meant to be.
I know that I will be just fine. I will be okay. The things I went though with those men only helped mold and shape me into the woman I am now, much stronger and more knowledgeable, I can endure much more than I could before. I believe that this is all a part of the process of me finding someone better. Someone more suited to who I am now (which is why those men are no longer significant in the romantic part of my life…we didn’t fit all the way and we are even more unmatched now than we were before).
Patience is something I am learning to have, it is a process that is not easy but I know it is worth every ounce of my effort. And while I wait for God to finish molding me into the woman I am supposed to be, I will gladly allow him to purge me of all of these residual feelings for men who have been in my life for only a reason or a season. It is time to let go. And though it will be hard, I know that god has something better for me, waiting, just for me.
Though the image above doesn’t resemble what my God looks like to me, the message it contains applies to what he is doing in my life right now. It is so hard for me to let go, almost painfully so, because of my fear that the void will never be filled. But I do trust God, and I have faith in him entirely. He has not hurt me or led me astray so far, so I trust that he won’t do it in the future. However he feels I need to be healed from past heartbreaks and whatever he has planned for my future, I know that it is going to be so much better than what I have experienced in the past.
I leave you all with this message, learn to let go. The past is the past and that is where it should stay. Listen to your heart, that is where God lives. God will guide your thoughts and actions if you let him/her, and he/she will never fail you. Learn to hear God, however he/she chooses to communicate with you, know for sure that is it God’s voice and not your own, and then do as God asks. Give him/her your trust, and faith, and you will never regret it.