2 Weeks Notice Blog

NaPoWriMo 2014
Day 22; Poem 20

“You Are to Me”

Sometimes the things you do make me feel some type of way
But then I check myself
Gotta address myself
And remind myself
What your place is in my life
Who you are not and cannot be
Though part of me
Wishes things would be
Different.
Yet and still, they are not.
You are but a passing wind
A drifter trying to fit in
A sideshow attraction.
No, not the main event
Though you give off that pretense.
I must remember that you are not a permanent fixture
Never here to stay
No lingering there after
Gotta keep in mind
That no matter how much I wish you to be
There is a possibility
You might not even be akin to an interlude
A prelude to the temporary
Barely making memories
Just might be imaginary
When did things get so tricky?

NaPoWriMo 2014
Day 22; Poem 19

“The Phonies”

Funny acting folk
Frequently flaunt
Their fake ass character.

NaPoWriMo 2014
Day 21; Poem 18

Just the Tip

Slowly it eases its way in
Circling the outer rim
Sending chills running through me
Slightly moist, the feel of it is familiar
But still it feels like it has been years
I gasp in anticipation
It inches slowly inside, deeper
Filling me instantly
Caressing each inner wall
Rubbing each one gently
Claiming its territory
The need, tamed
The yearning, sated
Eyes roll back
Sigh of contentment escapes my lips
How I’ve missed it
How numb I feel when its within
Time stops
Or slows
Or no longer exists
All I know is this feeling
This ecstasy
Just the tip
Q-Tip.

NaPoWriMo 2014
Day 16; Poem 17

Stressing

When I stress, I get angry
My tongue lashes out
Without a second thought
And I have to put myself in check
My worries make weary
This full moon driving my frustrations
I really just wanna sleep
Forget about these troubles of mine
Maybe drown my thoughts in some liquor
These weeks are dragging on

NaPoWriMo 2014
Day 15; Poem 16

“We Connect, Reconnect”

Is it bold of me to think that I cross your mind?
Not on some friend shit,
But on some, I wonder what she doing type shit
Is she thinking bout me too?
And if,
She is, then maybe I should hit her up

Would it be forward of me to think that you miss me?
That you envision my smile
Hear my laugh every once in a while
Could it be that while,
I’m missing you, you miss me too
I could only wish for such luck.

Cause if I had to be honest with myself
I would have to say you’ve been on my mind like lips to fine wine
Running laps through my head no Usain
Missing you so much its a shame
But I keep my thoughts to myself
And hear your voice only when I’m by myself
Thoughts lost on tidbits of your smile
And if I could just wait a while
I’m sure we’ll reconnect.

Sure we’ll get back to that place
Where chemistry and philosophy
ain’t got nothing on what’s between you and me
So deep our minds run like tunnels through the ground
Hearts intertwine and disperse, but always find their way back round
We’re linked you see
No words can describe what has no physicality
But has characteristics of being present entirely
And infinitely
This thing is real
It matters not who she is
Or what he isn’t
What matters is how you blush and don’t know it
And my eyes know my heart and show it
Whenever we meet
Whenever we
Connect

NaPoWriMo 2014
Day 14; Poem 15 (Extra!)

Dream With Me

Seeing your face gives me hope
Of my childhood fantasies come true
Don’t ever look away
Dream with me

NaPoWriMo 2014

Day 14; Poem 14

 

“Cold Monday”

 

All of the lights are on

But no one is home

Trapped within a shell of myself

My screams fall onto deaf ears

My fears

Etched between the fine lines of my face

Beneath the gleam of my smile

Hope is long gone

Nothing is as it seems

I cling desperately to the idea of better days

Days when I don’t feel so isolated

So cast out and away

Death is getting nearer

I can feel it’s cold grasp biting at my toes

I’m afraid

I haven’t done all I needed

Seen all I wanted

Loved as much as I could

I fear it will soon be me

And all I’ve left behind will be forgotten

I will be forgotten

 

 

It is hard for me to humble myself and be grateful for everything that I have been given. I often feel lost and alone, as if no one understands the things I struggle with daily. I doubt any of my friends have placed themselves in my shoes, so I doubt they understand the random outbursts of anger, flashes of sadness, or how much I try to cling to the happy moments. I see so many of my friends taking the simple things they have for granted, and I wonder if that was me a while ago. Was I so careless? So cold? So wrapped in my own false reality?

There are so many things I have to be grateful for. But everyday, it gets a little bit rougher, the chip on my shoulder gets heavier, and I struggle to maintain the balance, to stay above water. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to break. But I need some kind of release. I am not weak. I am not. I’ve worked too hard to bring myself out of the depression that had consumed me whole. And trying to maintain this illusion of peace, of happiness, of contentment…it is tiring. I don’t have it all together. I’m afraid everyday that things will only get worse. But my faith won’t allow me to wallow in senseless pity. I know things will get worse, but they will also get better.

I have so much to be thankful for. I just cannot put it all into words. I complain on an hourly basis about how screwed up my life is. I judge other people. I think malicious thoughts, I wish ill upon others, and yet I am still alive. How is that fair? What did I ever do to deserve to live while someone younger than I, is gone within the blink of an eye. Everything is so surreal. I just cannot believe that young girl is dead. 3 Weeks before her graduation, before she completed this milestone in her life…her family, her friends, I can’t imagine how heavy their hearts and spirits must be. I barely knew her and yet my tears flow for all that she stood for, for the life that was taken from her, for all the potential, all the good she could have done in this world. Like I said, I am so grateful, but also ashamed because of my joy to be alive. It feels wrong to be glad to still be on this earth, walking, talking, breathing, living–because, she doesn’t do either of those any more. And it isn’t fair. There are so many more vicious and evil people in the world who have done far worse than she, and yet they live. That is the part i will never be able to wrap my head around. Why her? Why now? I pray peace for her spirit and family.

Life is the most precious thing we can ever have. And most will not understand, but it seems as if every time I look up, someone closer to me dies. It really feels like death is inching closer and closer to me–person by person. I just want to truly fulfill my hearts desires before my time on this earth is over. I do fear that I will not get a chance to do that. I do not want to live or act out of fear, but it’s hard when death is staring you in the face. When despair creeps into your heart at night and blurs your dreams with darkness.

I pray I get to experience those amazing feelings of real, rare, true love, uninhibited freedom and happiness before I take my last breath. That is all I have left to say.

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