What the heck just happened?
I found myself asking this question throughout the day yesterday. I can’t even begin to describe how unexpected, confusing, and amazing my Saturday was. So many things, so much that I just don’t understand or have words to describe.
Everything is up in the air. I don’t even know what to say about the whole experience. Complex emotions are all tied up in what happened, and I have so many questions.
I don’t even known how to discuss this with the other party involved. What do I say first? How do I even approach the subject? How will the conversation play out? I don’t want there to be any tension, and I really don’t wanna lose my friend. I don’t think the situation grants for any loss of friendship, but I also don’t know how the other person feels about any of it. It could be nothing, but it also has the capability of being something big…
I guess I will just have to wait and see how everything unfolds.
Mint Condition has a girlfriend…
Theodore does too.
Superman is so far away,
And so is Woody.
I feel as though I am perpetually in this cycle of catching feelings and being just inches away from attaining my romantic happiness. There is always something…and it really seems as though the powers that be continuously keep love away from me.
I have not known what it is like to be in a real relationship as an adult. The kind where there is no question of his loyalty, there is no doubt of his affection. No. I’ve never had that.
I am 24 years old and I am tired of this heart break and disappointment. It seems to not be worth the effort any more. No matter how close I get to really experiencing the love that I want, something else happens and I wind up alone. Some of it is bad timing, other times its like all the planets and stars align except one, and then there are the times when distance gets in the way of the formation of anything real. It is just always the same. And I do not know why.
What I do know is that I am tired of waiting for and searching for someone who I can spend my time with, and someone who can fill this void. So I think that I am done for now. I am done with this love thing. I’m at the point where I truly believe it just is not meant for me. And I am learning to accept that.
I am back where I belong
Where I feel like I fit in
I am in the place that gives me purpose
And peace of mind
But some how I feel like my world is off kilter
Like something is missing
My day-to-day is already ingrained within me, has been for years
but why is it that now the routine that once brought order to my life now feels strange and foreign and fills me with dread
What is it I am longing for
My nights are filled with jumbled thoughts and feelings of emptiness
Sleep is stolen by this unknown passenger that has tagged along for the ride
It has no name but many come to mind
Names that reflect the dozens of thoughts that race through my mind
Why am I in this place, driving with a direction but unsure of whether or not I will like the location I end up in
What does all of this mean
I feel as if I’m incomplete, as though I am missing a vital part of me and I am not sure how long I can last without it
…or maybe I’m just over thinking and overreacting.
…or am I?
Since I’ve been back in Louisiana I haven’t done much. Mostly I am by myself reading, watching a movie, or just thinking. I’ve done quite a bit of that since I’ve come back here. And I honestly don’t really know how I feel about it…
I’m so used to always being on the go, having people around me, being bogged down with class, work, activity planning, or just hanging out. And now that I’m mostly on my own with no transportation, no one hitting up my phone every hour, nowhere to go…it just feels weird. Like I said, I’m so used to a busy lifestyle that I’m not really sure how to handle this semi-tame one.
I mean, yeah, I have classes and I have a few things to do for them, but I’m really just ready for the semester to truly get started so that I combat least have a bunch of school work to keep me occupied.
All of my friends seem to have these busy and interesting lives. I feel so out of place because I don’t. I’m just me, and I have no pets, no romantic companions, no job, no obligations aside from school.
I wouldn’t say I am bored, but rather, I think I’m a bit restless.
Lucky for me I have the best hobbies to occupy my time. Though reading and writing have always been my go-to activities, I hope I don’t become bored with them any time soon…there’s a first time for everything.
Love life, live it well.
Theodore (name changed of course) and I have such a complex relationship. I miss him so much…but because of a romantic but complicated past he and I now have but a strained friendship.
But there is still something there, a spark, no longer blazing, but simmering with a tamed flame. There was passion and deep attraction there, it had been obvious to everyone. But my Theo and I must find our way back to one another.
Perhaps someday I shall divulge the intense connect and how it came to be what it is now…
But for now, I will just say he’s most certainly someone very special.
The time has come for me to pack my bags and hit the road (or rather, sky) again.
If you’ve been following this blog you know that I began my blogging journey around this time last year as a coping mechanism to all of the wreckage that was my life. Without notice, well kinda without notice, I had to uproot myself and move back home to New York due to some unfortunate financial road blocks. Well, since my arrival here in NY I have had so many great days. I accomplished things I didn’t think I would and I learned a lot about myself and my capacity for survival and endurance. I’m proud of myself and everything I have gone through. With the help of my family and friends, and their unwavering support, I have made it through some bad times and have really enjoyed 2013.
Now I am moving back to Louisiana, and I can say that I am more prepared to handle what ever trials may come my way. I’ve gained a better perspective on my life and I realize now that I really needed the time away from school and the responsibilities of my hectic academic life. I’ve made some amazing memories in New York, and I’ve met some great people. But I know it is time to finish what I started. Graduating from college has been the only goal that I have held close to my heart since I was a little girl, and I am going to see it through. I have been blessed with a new found patience that I did not know before and have gained much faith in God and his/her plan for me. For all of this I am grateful.
Everyday I see more and more how blessed I am. The pieces are falling together. I know things won’t always be so easy and the road will have some bumps and potholes, but I am resilient, I am going to succeed.
So now, in 2014, I am ready to complete one journey, while preparing for another (grad school!!) EEK!! It’s terrifying, but also exciting at the same time! I’ve had help from my uh-may-zing professors and friends, and I believe that wherever I may be and choose to go that I will do well. I’m still in the process of completing applications and I am ready to see and experience art and being an artist at the graduate level.
There are sooooo many things that I want to do! But all in due time. I’m taking life one day at a time, but still laying out the foundation for my future…the rest will be filled in later. And I am okay with that. I have found my center, grounded myself within myself. Wherever I go I know that I am still whole, my life is still balanced.
I’ve really missed Louisiana, which is kind of surprising LOL. I didn’t think I would miss it that much, but I have grown to truly become a southern gal. I miss the air, the trees, the simplicity, and the lifestyle. More importantly I miss the people who have left such a huge impression on my heart–and funny enough, they miss me too! ^_^
So Monday (God willing there are no more of nature’s road blocks) I will be flying back down south, back to my other home. I can’t wait to see where these next few months take me!
Love your life, find your peace within you, live!
One must always take care of one’s responsibilities to self, to one’s family, and to one’s community
The past year has taught me much about patience, faith, and diligence. I have truly understood the meaning behind faith without works is dead. Though trying at times, my experiences have given me a new outlook on life.
I’ve regained and strengthened my faith and have refocused my thoughts and efforts. My goals have always been the same but they are a bit more clear and I have placed more importance on seeing through the course of action laid to assure those goals become a living reality.
I have taken care of myself, my mind, my heart, my spirit, and I’m taking care of everything else that resides outside of my body–education, finances, relationships, etc.
God maintains his/her presence in my life and continues to keep me protected. I am very grateful for that. I am constantly reminded of the many blessings that have been given to me and I will continue to mind my attitude towards the negative things in life.
I’ve come a long way from being broken, hopeless, angry, depressed, and faithless. am proud of myself.
Though I know I have a lot more to endure and experience and also that this road is much longer, I have faith hat everything will happen as it should and I know I must continue to take care of my dreams. They are what keep me motivated, inspired, and happy.