I’m not really sure how to begin this. There are just so many things weighing on my heart and mind right now. Where do I begin?
I want so much of everything it’s driving me crazy. Why must I be so indecisive? I want it all! But I know its not possible.
I’m feeling all confused, afraid, hopeful, excited, and frustrated by everything. I want to leave New York. But there are reasons that make me want to stay forever. I want to travel but I also want to out down roots somewhere, as soon as possible. I want to write and to paint and to experiment with every single one of my interests and hobbies, but I don’t have the luxury of doing all of these.
How do I just choose a path? I’m afraid of missing out on the best people and experiences of my life if I only choose one. Do I really even have a choice?
How do I know what will truly make me happy? Will I be happy with my choice after I make it…time is winding down and I’m afraid of making bad decisions, I’ve never really made bad decisions, but bad things happen sometimes…regardless of whether or not I chose what was best for me…what is best for me?
When the time comes I’m not sure I’ll be able to choose…I don’t want to break any hearts or wind up hurting myself.
What do I do?
Things in life cannot always go as planned. More often than not there are forces set in motion that are beyond our control but they loop, and travel, and wind up having a huge impact on our lives.
This is kind of what happened with Buck (not his real name of course). Buck and I met, unbeknownst to me, a long time ago at a party. Somehow, since that time, he and I wound up following and befriending each other on social networks. We have kept up with one another for a while and got a chance to meet again and hang out when I went down for a visit in Louisiana a few weeks ago. He is a sweetheart and really funny.
Long story short, I’m attracted to him. I like him. Now for the few who actually keep up with me, Superman is still in my life–but he and I are not an item, that was his choice. I am perfectly happy with still being single though. I think it’s best especially since I will be going back to LA soon. I know it will be hard on Superman, and I don’t want him fighting temptation and being stressed out because I am so far away. So he is free to do as he pleases, and so am I. But I do still have feelings for him–there are just some complications in the emotional department that have damped my once gung-ho feelings for him and for what I wished was an us.
But not I was not looking for anyone to fill any void left by any of my exes or by Superman. Honestly I was kind of in a fuck-it-all state of mind. I vowed to just focus on myself, my health, and my goals–which I have been doing ^_^. I was all good until Buck came into the picture…smh. What can I say, he just popped up one day and we clicked.
I have decided to nickname him Buck because that’s what he reminds me of. He’s southern, a gentleman, and the epitome of a country boy–he hunts and everything! So that’s what I will call him. I won’t go too deep into describing him, but just know that he caught my eye for reasons I can’t really explain. He’s sweet, funny, (though I said those already) different, laid back, smart, good with his hands, ambitious, talented, caring…yeah. All that good stuff. And he’s honest. He’s real with me about who he is and what he wants. I don’t know if any of you men out there realize that honesty, with yourself and with us, is really all it takes to get and hook a woman. We just want to know your intentions, and what you want. We need that. Why? It’s so we know that we aren’t the only one with feelings and so that we know how to act, react, and feel when you’re around. He did all of that for me. And I appreciate that more than anything else he could have or already has done for me. I have had my share of pathological liars, avoid the subject liars, beat around the bush liars, blatant liars, pretend to forget liars, bullshit liars, etc. I have come across all of them–and I will not stand for it any more. I don’t have the time.
Now don’t get me wrong–I don’t want a guy to jump into a relationship or take a trip down the isle with me after a month, nah. But I want someone who is honest about what they do or don’t feel, that way I don’t waste my time. I hate wasting my time on someone who had a hidden agenda or secret intentions. I’m rambling again….
Anyway! Buck, yeah, Lana likes him. But I am still in my selfish mode, I am just in my selfish mode with someone outside my door waiting on me to be done haha! This is what I like about being single though, the dating and the getting to know people–I shall keep you guys posted on the adventures of Country Boy Buck and Lana.
Due to the recent reveal of the cast of 50 Shades of Grey the movie adaptation, I have decided to do some photoshop magic and render a photo of the female lead, Dakota Johnson, as I would imagine she would look while playing the role of Anastasia Steele.
Now I, just like everyone else who read the trilogy, had a set image of what I thought the characters would and should look like. But it has been proven that regardless of how we readers feel, the director, writers, producers and casting folk have all the say so in who actually plays the roles. At first I was so shocked and mad! Like how could Ian Somerhalder not be Christian Grey?! But it wasn’t real anger, just a little disappointment that the man who I envisioned doing all the kinky fuckery in the novels would not be the man on the big screen–but I digress. Sooooooo, seeing as I didn’t much care who got the lead role as Ana, I decided to look up this scarcely known actress…come to find out Dakota Johnson is really pretty. And even though initially I was gung-ho for a more notable actress (Lily Collins, Lucy Hale, or Alexis Bledel) I realized that much goes into choosing a final cast. I figure Charlie Hunnam (playing Christian Grey) and Dakota must have some awesome chemistry for them to be chosen…
So anyway…..now that I’m done rambling, here is the picture, before and after, of Dakota Johnson, as Anastasia Steele…
What do you guys think?
This has started out to be a great day!
Currently it is 6:50 AM and the best thing has happened…I found a book! But not just any book, one of the books responsible for the writer/story teller and avid reader that I am today! This amazing piece of art, this award winning literature is titled The Giver.
Honestly it came completely out of the blue today. While walking to the bus stop, as I do every morning, I came across a pink plastic box filled with an assortment of old books. Anyone who knows me well could tell you that book-boxes are a weakness of mine. I absolutely love used books! The discoloration of the pages, the tattered edges the notes and highlights made by the previous owner(s). I love all of it!
So I began rummaging through the dusted books, most which were not of present interest to me–books on travel and “the most I interesting places im America”. But I had hope that I would find at least one book I’m the box that I could take with me. And low and behold I found one of my all time favorites!
I am ecstatic!! (To say the least LOL).
I also found a book that I had heard of but never got a chance to read, Ain’t I A Woman? I’m really happy with my finds today. I can’t wait to read them!
Take time out and experience the little things that excite you, life is too short to neglect these simple pleasures.
Music is and has always been my greatest muse. Regardless of where I am or what moon I’m in whenever I listen to music it truly effect how I feel and what I think about.
Now I know that everyone says that. But honestly I can say that I feel music down in the core of me. Now I know that’s probably due to the fact that I am an extremely emotional person. This is advantageous to me because when I create I know that people can feel how I’m feeling when I write and when I paint. Because I have such a strong connection with my emotions I know how to transcribe them into my works of art–any great artist should be able to do this.
Back to the music though…
Music makes me feel even when I don’t want to, it’s so therapeutic to me. It consoles me when I am alone, it patches up the wounds not visible to other people, it makes me remember the greatest and most treasured things in my life. This is why I am so open to the genres of music and the artists that I listen to. When experiencing music for the first time I try to connect with the artist; see what they saw, feel how they felt when they wrote and/or sang the song. That’s a powerful connection–empathy. Every song has a meaning and intent, so I try to grasp that with my heart and truly immerse myself into their words, into the sounds and the feelings.
I find it amazing how people can sing of experiencing the greatest love and pain and sacrifice–and to truly mean those words that they belt out over those catchy melodies. Their loss, their darkness, anger, excitement, blissful and childlike happiness–I want to feel those things, I do feel those things. All of it gives me hope that I am not the only one who experiences such heartache and up and downs in life, and it makes me hopeful that one day I would truly get to experience joy and love as they have.
Music truly touches my soul, and it’s not merely based on “talent” or popularity. Its the passion behind the music and laced in the words. I guess this is the reason why I’ve always wanted to master the art of playing an instrument, I’m already a write but if I could combine those two I can only imagine the things I would create.
Cherish your feelings, and revel in the magnitude of your emotions–don’t shy away from them. The complexity of them make you who you are.
Lately people have been trying to figure me out. Find out what category I fit in. And to be honest, I’ve been kind of letting them guide me. When the hell did that become okay? Now granted, they weren’t doing it for negative reasons; I know they were truly just trying to understand me as a person. Most people are always surprised when they find out all of the things that I’m interested in (and good at). I take pride in that look of bewilderment on their faces though. It proves to me that I am underestimated in the eyes of my peers and elders, and to me that’s a great thing. It means I can still shock and awe people. I never want people to think they can tell me who I am. So I like to do everything that interests me. They’ll never see me coming
I. Am. Me.
I always have been, and always will be. I have never been the kind of girl who was able to be placed into one category or shoved into a box. I love that about myself. I love being versatile and open to so many different things. It makes me an interesting person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do things because of how I will be perceived in the eyes of others. No. I do things because I’m genuinely interested in doing them. I learn things that intrigue me. I like things that I find to be unique and genuine. Plain and simple.
I need to get back to being that Jackie-of-all-trades mentality. I’ve been showing people only certain sides of me, I guess that’s why I didn’t have a problem letting people think I was a certain “type” of girl. But it’s time to open up. Be more of who I really am, all ay every day.
I’ve been thinking a lot of doing more, and it’s not like I don’t have the time. I just have to dust off those shoes and break out of this plastic shell.
I’m sure the majority of you all don’t quite understand what I mean. The things that I love are broad ranged: Art (painting, drawing, sculpture, design, digital art, photography), Writing (poetry, short stories, essays, blogging, article writing), Dance (choreography–learning and making up my own, stepping), Hair (natural care, processed hair care, weave installation, coloring) and Cooking. To some folks, these may seem trivial and to others they seem like masterminded activities. Either way, there is still a hefty amount of things on this list (and this is just a portion of the things i like doing).
I’m ready to get back to doing all of these, not just trying to focus on one while neglecting the others. It’s all a process though. I’m discovering and uncovering pieces of me. I like it.
It has been far too long…
Quickie update on my life since I last posted:
- I’ve been writing recently.
- I’m trying this whole “writing RPG” thing. So far so good.
- NY is still my home for now. Still working. Trying to find a 2nd job actually.
- I’m happy =D! Clearly this should have been posted first -_- lol
- Unfortunately I haven’t seen my best friends much since being here.
- One of my best friends is getting married. I’m the maid of honor.
- I’m currently experimenting with different hair styles.
- I’ve decided to stop putting relaxers in my hair. I like how it’s coming along.
- School is still my main focus right now, just gotta make enough money to finish what I started.
- Superman is still present in Lana Lane’s life.
As for now that’s all I can really think of. Life for me hasn’t been filled with dramatic huge events but rather simple ones that I cherish more than anything. I’m happy. Honestly I am. I am at peace in/with so many areas in my life. This isn’t something that I’m used to, but I am trying to enjoy it all.
NY has been great to me. I know that right now it is where I am supposed to be. I can honestly say that I am falling in love with NY all over again. I have mostly the people I’ve been around to thank for that. No, I don’t party every weekend, or go to the movies all the time, but I’m enjoying myself.
It has definitely been a blessing to be free of so much stress. I was aging way too fast to be only 24. My family has been helpful too making sure that I’m well taken care of and that I have everything I need. The only struggle that I face (which is inevitable) is becoming the best version of myself in all aspects. But as we all know, that takes time.
I’ve found that I’ve become comfortable. And as all of you grind-hard folks know, when you get comfortable you get complacent. Complacent is not something I ever really imagined myself being. I guess being wrapped in all this joy made me want to stay here and just relax for a while. The only problem with that is that I’m stifling my growth by doing that. Everything in me wants to sit here, and bask in all this happiness. I’m struggling pulling myself up out of it. But now that I think about it, I need to learn how to take this happiness with me wherever I go. Some would say that it is easy as pie. But for me, it’s a task I am unfamiliar with. I’m in a place that I like, but I know that there are things I wanna do, things I want to accomplish, and to do those things I have to get back focused. Happiness will come and stay as long as I work towards that. And right now, that is what I am doing.
For now, that’s all I am going to say about that. I have so much more to write about, but each subject deserves its own post…sooo….until later….