There are many questions I need to answer and much I need to discuss. But tonight I will opt for just posting a few simple words rwminding myself that my purpose is not my own. My purpose is not for me but dor someone else, other someones. Those who I can positively impact with my talents. There are so many ideas and thoughts in my head dying to be made real.
Soon. After reasearch and more questions and possible answers, these thoughts will begin to take form.
But now, I sleep.
Single. Being single again causes me to go through various upband down and up up moods again, often in extremes…
This carnal craving has been growing and growing and there is nothing i can do about it. I no longer have someone to quench this inner thirst, to tame the raging fires…and I’m starting to crave past lovers.
This may or may not be a bad thing…but after this relationship I know for sure I am not looking to jump into another, or anything close to one.
In simple terms, i just want my booty rubbed on, a few mind blowing orgasms, and a body to curl upn under at night. Conversation is nice too, yes, but i want no serious emotional attachment.
To be a bit more poetic, i crave touch, lips and grazing teeth, strong hands roaming my body…and the absence of looming heartbreak.
I am in my feelings.
Buried deep, deep within them.
And i don’t see myself climbing out…
Why does this always get to me?
Is it that it represents something I am not…that I feel I will never be?
It eats away at me constantly.
Life will go on.
I want to find happiness again. It kind of scares me because I know that I will be sad again in the not too distant future. But I can’t help but feel as though this dark cloud is just slightly lighter than it has been in these past weeks.
I am not sure why though. How am I supposed to continue to brighten my life if I don’t know what the cause is…unless I am imagining it all.
Today was alright. I had some really dark moments, I wanted to just leave. Crawl up into a ball and cry until my chest caved from the pressure. But I breathed through it. I shed minimal tears and kept my composure. To say the least, my attitude was shot the rest of the day. I blame that mostly on my raging hormones though (menstrual cycles really mess with my emotions).
But, other than that it was okay. I had the usual “I just want to sleep life away” thoughts this morning, and actually fell back asleep a few hours after waking. But at least I got out of bed and did something constructive today.
Nothing I love doing is calling out to me anymore; not painting, not writing, not even music. I think I need to rid nyself of all this negative energy though. It’s driving me insane.
Prayer doesn’t seem to be helping, and I know I am in a selfmade mountain of ruin–it seems I ruin everything in my life, everything I really care about or want. But I am holding out hope that things will gradually get better. That something will spark a fire in me once more and ignite my passion for life. But for now I will just settle for quieter thoughts and restful nights.
Hopefully I can get to sleep before 3-4 a.m.
This is a hard post for me to write. I lay here in the dark, tapping away at the vibrating keys on my phone, crying…again.
These past few months I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. But now I find myself coasting steadily on the lowest level with no signs of going up. I am crying again and I can’t stop.
There are so many truths about my life that I have never faced but need to. I desperately need to confront these demons of mine. They keep raising their ugly heads bringing me back to this place of loneliness, resentment, sadness, hopelessness, pain.
I’m so ashamed of myself, my weakness, my fears, my incompetence. My whole life I have been taught to hate myself. My skin, my race, my features, my size, the sound of my voice, everything about myself. And at 25 I hoped that I would have overcome some of these things–grown out of it, learned to love myself; and as much as I preach to my friends about self love and acceptance, I am doubly unable to do those things myself.
I feel so worthless. I don’t feel as though anything about me is really good for anything. I feel as though I have no purpose. I am a vessel from which people take and take and take but I am charged with replenishing myself with no knowledge of how to do so–yet and still I am being emptied.
And even during the brief moments where I feel as though I can lift myself up, when I find minimal faith that things will be looking up, I am smacked back down. My faith and happiness shattered.
I am realizing that I have mastered the art of disguising the sadness and despression that lingers day in and day out. Plaster on a smile, make-up to hide the dark circles, ignore the gnawing pain I feel, push down the wails and swallow the tears that threaten to spill over at any given moment. Convince myself that suicide is wrong and try to avoid how often the thoughts of death float through my mind. Distract myself from the vivid images of taking my own life….
I really don’t want to be here. I am afraid everything will become too much and I will finally go through with it…this thought both frightens and calms me. So i fake the funk. I pretend to be happy, i force my laughter and make myself pay attention to the stories my friends tell me. I try not to hate the people around me who don’t have to go through this inner turmoil, try not to despise God for forsaking me.
I try. I try so hard to fight the truth…
I feel so weak and broken. Truth is, i really don’t think I can be happy. As much as i try to convince myself otherwise, that I can make or find my happiness, i am constantly followed by this black cloud. I feel no love, no drive, no hope for better. It all seems so pointless. No matter what I dream or wish for, reality breaks through and I am reminded of how every good thing that I could ever want or have will eventually leave, disappear, fail me.
But I am trying…sort of. Trying to find the strength to fight this, all of this consuming darkness. Yet i find myself in a constant wave of anger and sadness and hopelessness.
This isnt normal. This isnt how people are supposed to think. This isnt right. But it is all I have known…as far back as I can remember, this has been inside of me. And i dont know why.
It is not fair. I know and see people who do not go through this, they worry not, care not, they just go through life unaffected…and they get everything I wish I had, everything I fight to get and maintain a hold of, they get it handed to them.
I try not to be envious or jealous. But i feel so jaded. I do my best to do right by others and give whenever I can and not judge people and be a generally good person at heart…and yet I am unfulfilled, I get the pickings from the bottom of the barrel, get nothing at all, or get what little I have taken away. This is not fair–hence my anger with God.
I do not understand. And i am not trying to be ungrateful. But I’m angry and I’m tired. Im tried of being angry and sad all the time. Time of feeling used and taken advantage of and tired of feeling slighted. What have i done in previous years to deserve this? I think of killing myself daily…different ways. Im getting closer to making it happen every time I cross the bridge when walking to work or class. Or slicing my wrist or just over dosing on these pills in my drawer. Accidentally walking into traffic…
But no one sees this when they see me. No one thinks or guesses even, that I struggle all the time with finding a reason to not go through with it. To just stay here for just one more day.
I hate feeling like this, but these feelings and thoughts are the only constant. Always lingering in the back of my mind; at school, work, buying groceries, during conversation, when I am by myself or in a crowd…always. I am always searching for a release from this internal and external hell.
Each day I know things will get worse in one way or another, because this is what has always happened regardless of my output.
And still i lay here crying, no closer to finding an answer that will calm these dangerous thoughts.
I hate this, but i don’t know how to make it stop.
Learn to fight
it is the key to strength
Learn to endure
it is the key to success
Learn to love
It is the key to happiness
There is so much to say.
So many events to recount, so many blessings to make note of. Stories of Casanova and Enigma, of Next Lifetime and Mint Condition
And even Theodore made an appearance or two. So much has happened in this past month. I am content and open to what is coming. I’m looking forward to these next few months.
I am most happy about these blessings from my God. He helped me plan for the future, he gave me visions of what I should be working towards, and because of this I have placed these things at the forefront of my mind. I’ve been diligent, faithful, and flexible. I know that things don’t always work out how I think they will or should, and I have accepted that. And am much happier because of it. God is in control and I know this is how life is supposed to be.
One day soon I I’ll elaborate on these people and happenings, but until then, love life, enjoy the people around you, plan and work towards your goals, and love yourself.