I want to find happiness again. It kind of scares me because I know that I will be sad again in the not too distant future. But I can’t help but feel as though this dark cloud is just slightly lighter than it has been in these past weeks.
I am not sure why though. How am I supposed to continue to brighten my life if I don’t know what the cause is…unless I am imagining it all.
Today was alright. I had some really dark moments, I wanted to just leave. Crawl up into a ball and cry until my chest caved from the pressure. But I breathed through it. I shed minimal tears and kept my composure. To say the least, my attitude was shot the rest of the day. I blame that mostly on my raging hormones though (menstrual cycles really mess with my emotions).
But, other than that it was okay. I had the usual “I just want to sleep life away” thoughts this morning, and actually fell back asleep a few hours after waking. But at least I got out of bed and did something constructive today.
Nothing I love doing is calling out to me anymore; not painting, not writing, not even music. I think I need to rid nyself of all this negative energy though. It’s driving me insane.
Prayer doesn’t seem to be helping, and I know I am in a selfmade mountain of ruin–it seems I ruin everything in my life, everything I really care about or want. But I am holding out hope that things will gradually get better. That something will spark a fire in me once more and ignite my passion for life. But for now I will just settle for quieter thoughts and restful nights.
Hopefully I can get to sleep before 3-4 a.m.
This is a hard post for me to write. I lay here in the dark, tapping away at the vibrating keys on my phone, crying…again.
These past few months I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions. But now I find myself coasting steadily on the lowest level with no signs of going up. I am crying again and I can’t stop.
There are so many truths about my life that I have never faced but need to. I desperately need to confront these demons of mine. They keep raising their ugly heads bringing me back to this place of loneliness, resentment, sadness, hopelessness, pain.
I’m so ashamed of myself, my weakness, my fears, my incompetence. My whole life I have been taught to hate myself. My skin, my race, my features, my size, the sound of my voice, everything about myself. And at 25 I hoped that I would have overcome some of these things–grown out of it, learned to love myself; and as much as I preach to my friends about self love and acceptance, I am doubly unable to do those things myself.
I feel so worthless. I don’t feel as though anything about me is really good for anything. I feel as though I have no purpose. I am a vessel from which people take and take and take but I am charged with replenishing myself with no knowledge of how to do so–yet and still I am being emptied.
And even during the brief moments where I feel as though I can lift myself up, when I find minimal faith that things will be looking up, I am smacked back down. My faith and happiness shattered.
I am realizing that I have mastered the art of disguising the sadness and despression that lingers day in and day out. Plaster on a smile, make-up to hide the dark circles, ignore the gnawing pain I feel, push down the wails and swallow the tears that threaten to spill over at any given moment. Convince myself that suicide is wrong and try to avoid how often the thoughts of death float through my mind. Distract myself from the vivid images of taking my own life….
I really don’t want to be here. I am afraid everything will become too much and I will finally go through with it…this thought both frightens and calms me. So i fake the funk. I pretend to be happy, i force my laughter and make myself pay attention to the stories my friends tell me. I try not to hate the people around me who don’t have to go through this inner turmoil, try not to despise God for forsaking me.
I try. I try so hard to fight the truth…
I feel so weak and broken. Truth is, i really don’t think I can be happy. As much as i try to convince myself otherwise, that I can make or find my happiness, i am constantly followed by this black cloud. I feel no love, no drive, no hope for better. It all seems so pointless. No matter what I dream or wish for, reality breaks through and I am reminded of how every good thing that I could ever want or have will eventually leave, disappear, fail me.
But I am trying…sort of. Trying to find the strength to fight this, all of this consuming darkness. Yet i find myself in a constant wave of anger and sadness and hopelessness.
This isnt normal. This isnt how people are supposed to think. This isnt right. But it is all I have known…as far back as I can remember, this has been inside of me. And i dont know why.
It is not fair. I know and see people who do not go through this, they worry not, care not, they just go through life unaffected…and they get everything I wish I had, everything I fight to get and maintain a hold of, they get it handed to them.
I try not to be envious or jealous. But i feel so jaded. I do my best to do right by others and give whenever I can and not judge people and be a generally good person at heart…and yet I am unfulfilled, I get the pickings from the bottom of the barrel, get nothing at all, or get what little I have taken away. This is not fair–hence my anger with God.
I do not understand. And i am not trying to be ungrateful. But I’m angry and I’m tired. Im tried of being angry and sad all the time. Time of feeling used and taken advantage of and tired of feeling slighted. What have i done in previous years to deserve this? I think of killing myself daily…different ways. Im getting closer to making it happen every time I cross the bridge when walking to work or class. Or slicing my wrist or just over dosing on these pills in my drawer. Accidentally walking into traffic…
But no one sees this when they see me. No one thinks or guesses even, that I struggle all the time with finding a reason to not go through with it. To just stay here for just one more day.
I hate feeling like this, but these feelings and thoughts are the only constant. Always lingering in the back of my mind; at school, work, buying groceries, during conversation, when I am by myself or in a crowd…always. I am always searching for a release from this internal and external hell.
Each day I know things will get worse in one way or another, because this is what has always happened regardless of my output.
And still i lay here crying, no closer to finding an answer that will calm these dangerous thoughts.
I hate this, but i don’t know how to make it stop.
Learn to fight
it is the key to strength
Learn to endure
it is the key to success
Learn to love
It is the key to happiness
There is so much to say.
So many events to recount, so many blessings to make note of. Stories of Casanova and Enigma, of Next Lifetime and Mint Condition
And even Theodore made an appearance or two. So much has happened in this past month. I am content and open to what is coming. I’m looking forward to these next few months.
I am most happy about these blessings from my God. He helped me plan for the future, he gave me visions of what I should be working towards, and because of this I have placed these things at the forefront of my mind. I’ve been diligent, faithful, and flexible. I know that things don’t always work out how I think they will or should, and I have accepted that. And am much happier because of it. God is in control and I know this is how life is supposed to be.
One day soon I I’ll elaborate on these people and happenings, but until then, love life, enjoy the people around you, plan and work towards your goals, and love yourself.
Could this be an overreaction?
This need I have to be near you
To inhale your words
And breathe in your scent
Maybe an obsession?
Cause I count the minutes
Days and seconds that go by
Until we speak again
Til I am engulfed in your embrace
Or is this an addiction?
I feel as though I’m drifting, in and out
You cloud my sight and flood my ears
Consume my thoughts
Leave me anxious and wanting
Could this be love?
He is the forbidden fruit I spoke of in a poem I posted earlier. Casanova. Of course that is not his real name, but he embodies the essence of the man after whom I have chosen his alias. Everything about him pulls me in. And like a Icarus to the sun, I fly, on my wings of feathers and wax.
Sigh…I am not sure why he is my most recent male attraction, but there he is. Yes he’s handsome, he’s talented and funny, yes, all of those things. But so are other guys, but there is just something about Casanova that I just can’t shake…My attraction to him reminds me of a theme inin the myth of Icarus–greed. I, like Icarus, am so wrapped up in having what I want that I pay no heed to the dangers that lie ahead…and with Casanova, he is the worst kind of danger for a girl like me. I want too much to be with him, and not so much in a relationship with him, but rather writhing beneath him. Lust is something I haven’t much really had to deal with, but with this man, I fear that I have opened Pandora’s box and liked what I found. And so, because of this, I wrote another poem that was inspired by Casanova…I just hope I can let this attraction go sooner rather than later. Nothing good can come of it.
“Feathers and Wax”
He’s at the back of my mind
Like an itch I can’t scratch
A habit I can’t shake
The monkey on my back
Constant ache between my thighs.
My body remembers the feel of him
His voice drums in my thoughts
Face highlights my dreams.
This craving, triggered by just his name
Has me soaring head first,
Inhibitions to the wind, into the sun,
On wings of feathers and wax.