Fuck! I feel so dumb! Like just plain foolish!
How could I so easily let you in my heart not realizing it would be broken? And I’m just crying here in my room in the dark like a pitiful fool.
No matter what I say to you it doesn’t matter does it?! Over some little shit…fuck. I’m so pissed like hurt and angry and sad and just ugh! Why the hell is this okay? Why is it okay for you not to give a damn about me or how you’re ending this?! And the god forsaken tears wont stop….i hate giving my heart away. I swear on everything it sucks so badly because I’m ALWAYS the one left crying and in pain.
How could you just set me asode and ignore these past few months as if they were nothing?! You said you loved me and now it’s just gone?! No love, no feeling, no nothing?! Why do i deserve that?!?!?! Did I really hurt you as badly as she did? What did I do that was SO horrible?
I’m here losing sleep, can’t focus, and you’re just unbothered by this…while im bouncing back and forth between anger and resentment and utter brokenness.
I really need to shut my heart down permanently. Cause this is just too much to deal with….damn!
And here I thought you were different.
Your tenacity was refreshing,
Even the assurance with which you spoke my name…it was different.
See, before I knew it I had fallen.
Dove head first, blindly
Into those deep brown orbs of yours,
Those kind eyes that twinkle even in the daylight.
And that gleaming grin that makes me forget how to breathe sometimes,
Yet always causes my heart to
Thump-thump-pause for a few moments-thump-thump in awe.
Pulse pattering sporadically in my veins.
It was bliss.
We had a good thing you and I,
For the first time in ever I was me.
As uncommon as it was, I stripped myself freely,
Trusting you without second thought.
Bearing parts of myself that others had not even glimsped.
And yet I was left standing alone.
Naked for all the world to see and without a stitch of anything to maintain my innocence.
My broken pieces were exposed,
My fragility and imperfections reflected in those eyes I adored,
And I suddenly felt shamed.
Discarded and dismissed.
You took away the warmth that my cold heart had clung to,
The hope that you had once given.
And for a while I thought that you could and that you would be,
You were supposed to be,
My get away from the frustrations of every day
And I was supposed to be yours.
But apparently you aren’t so different.
Lord knows I have been SLACKING super majorly on writing on this blog!
But never fear, I have not forgotten it. I am actually going to be starting a new experiment/project, and this will be the laboratory in which work.
I have decided that I want to become a creative writing teacher…it scares the HELL out of me but, I guess that means that I should be doing it since it takes me out of my comfort zone. It’s sorta been a secret dream of mine to teach writing, and now I’m gonna try and make it happen!
But anyway, onto this experiment of mine….seeing as I have NOT participated in NaPoWriMo this year (i know, it sucks…been too busy and I actually forgot for the first week or so) I figured I could but my writing skills to use in another way, one that would possibly prepare me for my future career.
1. I have re-joined the RPG-Fiction site We’ve Got Obsessions as a means of character development and to reawaken my creative brain.
2. I will be doing writing prompts on here…
I won’t be posting EVERYTHING I write on WGO on here, but I will post the best scenarios that I write. As far as the writing prompts, I haven’t found a direct source for them as of yet, but I will be searching, and once I find it, I will begin writing! Now realistically speaking, I probably won’t do one a day. It would be nice, but I know my life and how distracted and how busy I can get (like right now I’m supposed to be retyping these Arts and Crafts lesson plans smh). So I figure anywhere between 2-5 writing prompts per week is a good starting point.
My goal is to get back in the habit of writing everyday and to make it so that I can be comfortable again creating my own worlds, cause quite frankly I’m uber rusty! And how can I teach someone something that I don’t even practice myself?!?!
Anyways, like I said, I should be doing work right now. Now that I have gotten this off my chest I can resume doing the work that I am being paid to do.
Posted April 1, 2015on:
There are times when I realize that I am not meant for a lot of things or people. This is one of those moments…
I really don’t get it. Perhaps it’s me. And if so, then okay, I’m the problem. And when there’s a problem, you extract it…and so must be done with me.
I can’t even lie. I have felt from the beginning that this was not really for me, about me, or even about being around me. I am an Extra. The person people invite out of sympathy or when they need a certain number or when they want a discount…I am never first to be chosen, never the first one to pop into someone’s head, never above last…
I need to start being by myself more. For quite a while I’ve known I needed to let go of these “friendships”…too much negativity, spite, and immaturity.
I push people away
I get hurt too easily
Get rejected often
And can’t deal
With any more
I say things
I don’t mean
Give a cold shoulder
Cry in the dark
And hide how I feel.
My heart cannot afford
To endure it again
And the pain.
So I push
And break my own heart.
If only dreams came true…
This was the umpteenth time you
appeared in a dream
This was a happy one
You finally saw what I’ve known forever
And bliss was ours for the taking.
I like this…
It is exciting and yet comfortable
I am filled with a sense of giddiness
There is no pressure
It just feels…right.
Wherever this road may lead
Whether we are at its end
and will go separate ways
Or if we’re just beginning this trek
I am glad that our paths have crossed
That I had this experience,
This time with you.