Back Again

The reemergence of people in our lives cam be very informative.

We are forced to ask ourselves a few questions as to why they have return (and if they weren’t gone completely, rather just dormant pieces, why have they suddenly become active again).

Why have they come back?
What is their new purpose?
How long will they stay active in my life?
What am I supposed to learn from them?
Who are they now, compared to who they were before?
How will I change from this interaction?

We have to prepare ourselves for both positive and negative effects when people come into our lives…or return.

Yet we have to be open to all experiences so we can receive what it is we’re supposed to from them.

Relationships Part 1.

In all of the relationships I have, or have had, God has shown me things about myself and my partner, things that make me more conscious of what I do and don’t want in “the” relationship with the one who is my soul mate.

I feel myself being prepared in many ways, growing into the woman God wants me to be. I am always learning and understanding and actualizing. It is always harder to do what you know is right and best when in your first mind your actions more than likely are the opposite of those good and right things. I’ve learned and am learning to temper my tongue and my thoughts; to process and analyze before acting and speaking. I’m extremely guarded and I  easily and instantly go into attack mode when things get tense. I don’t want to be the one hurt or on the receiving end of the storm, so many times I want to lash out, accuse, dismiss, anything that will protect me from being hurt again.

This is a problem because I love getting to know people, reaching into their minds, connecting on more than a surface level. And my guarded nature is counterproductive to getting to know people and allowing them to get to know me. This is just one of the many lessons taught on multiple occasions with different people.

The best thing about the variety of lovers and friends I’ve had is that I take with me something new from each situation, gain a new perspective or insight into how I mesh and function with different spirits and bodies.


I am lost.
Somewhere between responsibility and a few blocks past young adulthood
I have gotten lost.
My adolescent years seem to be a thousand miles behind me
While the dreary day-to-day of eight-hour shifts are synonyms with “objects are closer than they appear”.
I had forgotten what it was like to have a carefree spirit
Laugh without shame.
I no longer feel as though the road before me is a bright one
Filled with endless possibilities.
No, my days are routine, often flying by without purpose.
I am existing.
In a land without water or rain
I am drifting.
Through tumbleweeds and dust
No longer having the energy to concoct a mirage.
The merciless sun beating down on my back, reminding me of all the things that I have lost.
No clouds to bounce between, drifting from elevated bliss to creative new heights
No wind to get caught up in, to blow me in the right direction.
And no rain.
No water to nourish my spirit and wash away the debris and confusion.
So I am left with the sun,
Stifling and suffocating
It is relentless in its efforts to remind me of…

You know, the sad part is that i can’t even get my head clear enough to write this supposed poem, let alone think about editing it. Smh. I feel like I have a creative block. Not just a mental one, but spiritually. I feel so DISCONNECTED from myself…or who I used to be. I can’t seem to find all the pieces, and the ones that I already have don’t fit.

I feel trapped in a box of duty and responsibility. I fear that I will no longer have these creative gifts of mine if I dont engage them, release this tension. But i also feel as though I can’t allow any distractions, I am a working woman now. I have bills. I can never go back to the place I was in in 2012-2013. I have to make sure I work and make money so my bills are paid, so I have food, and a place to sleep. I just can’t go back to that place.

I think I am utterly afraid. Those years were so hard for me…and I no longer have the cushion of financial aid and refunds to keep me afloat financially. And even though I work a lot and work hard, I still find myself struggling. So I am afraid. Afraid of that brokenness, that confusion, that rock bottom place. I barely had anything or anyone. And I just cannot go back. I have honestly not been able to create since then…almost three years. Graduate school, the short time I was there, did nothing to help rejuvenate this being inside of me. Still she lies dormant, locked withing a cell of her own creation.

How can I still call myself an artist when I am afraid to lift my brush?

Will I ever find that solace in art again? Will it ever make sense to me? Speak to me as it once did, all throughout my day and feed my dreams?

I haven’t written anything of substance in a while either. I have not completed a story since 2011…where has all the time gone? Where is the girl I was?

Has she been kidnapped by the woman I have become? Is she lost within her reality and no longer dreaming?

All of this is so heartbreaking and maddening! I don’t know how to find the old me, or just become someone new all together.

I just know that I have to, I can’t stay like this. This is not living.

Lost and Aware

Sometimes you wake up
And realize that you have been

Stuck rooted somewhere
Wandering aimlessly
Blissfully unaware
All the while
That something
Isn’t right.

Yet still you continue to roam
Never going anywhere
Nor leaving from some place
Just meandering
With no purpose
No mission
No vision
No goal.

But then almost like magic
You stop.
The world is still
And you grow uncomfortable
And realization begins to seep in
And the fog clears almost instantly.
Then suddenly you know
You do not belong here.

You start to realize
That time has been wasted
That you were not
Living, merely alive.
Fear and panic set in.
And you have questions
So many questions
For God, for the universe
For everyone who let you get lost.

That fear turns to anger
You have really been lost.
Existing in a life that
Wasn’t meant for you to live.

You know that you must go back
Get back on track
Find your real self.
But you are afraid.
Afraid of losing yourself again
Of becoming lost and never finding
Your way out
Your way back to
Who you really are
And should be.

So you stand unmoving
Painfully aware
That you are lost.
But now you are too afraid
To find yourself.
And you know that by standing still
Choosing fear over fate
That you will remain lost.

It is that fear
That unwillingness to move
That traps you
Keeps you stuck
You are not happy
But you are afraid to
Find what brings you joy
To go where you belong.

Knowing this
Accepting all of this as truth
Hurts more than knowing you were lost
Because now you must face
Your weaknesses
Your pain
Your fear
Your shame.

With fear in your heart
And shame on your back
You uproot yourself
And you know that this
Is only the beginning.
These are only the first steps
On the path to finding
Peace and purpose
To finding you.

Human Relations

When people come into your life it is always a learning experience.

But what I hate most about that whole scenario is that people forget or neglect to acknowledge that you have feelings. Sometimes they honestly don’t care.

What I don’t understand is the notion that after your feelings get involved (which they ALWAYS do in ANY situation–whether it is strictly a friendship or there is intimacy involved) the other party always deems it their responsibility to let you know that you don’t have “the right” to be upset or mad or hurt.

What in the fuck does that mean?!

As a human being involved with anyone else I have a right to feel any way I please. I can be pissed off or sad or just plain irritated. Yes I do.

However I do understand what the statement is supposed to mean: you don’t have the right to expect me to care that you’re angry or upset.

No one owes anyone anything in this life. Just because one person cares, you cannot expect other people to care as well.

Unfortunately this is the risk we all take with human relations. You never know someone’s true feelings or thoughts. You may never truly know someone…no matter how intimate you have been, no matter how long you have known them.

And this is the part that sucks.


I am afraid.
Afraid you will leave amd I will still be here wanting you.
That I will no longer be enough for you,
Be what you want and need.

I am afraid that this will change
This energy between us will fade
And I will be just a blip, just a moment.

I am afraid that I will just become a friend
Not more
Not greater.
Just a friend…and I don’t need any more friends.
I have those.

I am afraid that I want you more than you want me
That I am alone in my daydreaming and desires
That all of this will amount to nothing.
Actually nothing.
And even though nothing is something
I want more than just something with you
I want everything and then some
But you see, I am afraid that this, you might not want, at least not with me.

Though things are good now
Tomorrow scares me
Because tomorrow cannot be read.
So i hold tight to these emotions you make me feel
Cling to the words you have said and the meaning I pray they have.
You say such beautiful things to me.
My heart cannot stand it sometimes because she is as confused as I.
I need to know, i need to fully understand
Fully. Plain, simply, exactly
How you feel, what you want and intend
So that I won’t be afraid any more.
Afraid of being left behind.
Of not being enough.

But today, today is not the day for truths.