Day 4; Poem 2
Oh how I really
Wish I could tell you
Fuck it, fuck it all
And have a good day.
Day 4; Poem 2
Oh how I really
Wish I could tell you
Fuck it, fuck it all
And have a good day.
I am such a procrastinator. I am sooooo lazy and just neglectful of this blog, my passions, and most importantly myself.
There’s really no reason or excuse, I have just become a lazy blob. And I hate it…
But recently while scrolling through Instagram I ran across an interesting post which sparked some a sort of epiphany…The guy’s post were a few personal words expressing how over the years he’s become someone he loathes and how he let himself down after vowing to never become like “typical” men and treat women with disrespect. Though the post was short and sweet, the context of his words resonated with me in a place that I often try to hide or ignore.
I responded immediately because although I understood where his feelings of disappointment and dislike were coming from, I felt he needed to hear from someone else who harbored similar feelings that it was okay for him to not like who he is at this moment. I said,
“We all become people we don’t recognize and vowed we’d never be. But the truth is, that’s how we find and create ourselves.”
It wasn’t until I decided to make that statement a personal post on my IG that I realized how true those words were for me. At this stage in my life I feel like I’ve hit a completely different rock bottom than where I was even last year. I am creatively blocked (possibly my own doing) in both art and writing, I am doing absolutely nothing to better myself physically (even though I have every reason to put the pedal to the metal), I am limiting myself spiritually, academically, professionally, financially, and emotionally. This list can go on and on and on…but regardless of how much more of my failure and shortcomings I write I know that all of these issues I am having are now rooted in myself. I am the cause of my own demise. I allowed myself to get to this point, to become a person that I truly hate. And yet, I do nothing about it. It has taken me waaaaaaay too long to openly admit this. I know that we all know in the back of our minds that we are responsible for the person that we are and become, we are solely responsible for our happiness. And I have a habit of placing the blame for my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life on numerous outside influences.
But really, it’s me.
Plain and simply. I lack drive, I am lazy, I am afraid of both success and failure–though by hindering and stunting myself I am ensuring my failure (yes I know, it’s stupid.). I am unhappy. And I keep trying to figure out when I became this person. When exactly did I lose who I used to be? Was it one isolated incident, a series of events? Honestly the answers to these questions will not change the fact that I am still here, in this personal hell that I have created for myself.
I am at a point where I am extremely uncomfortable being this person, being this stranger. I miss the ambition and inspiration. I miss the action, the bit of confidence I had. I really do. I miss how I saw myself (as far as my abilities; I am, however, glad that my other insecurities are fading). I hate who I have become.
But just like I told that brother on Instagram, this stage of self loathing is necessary in order for us to become who we are meant to be. I needed to reach this place so that I could grow from it, come up out of the muck and shine anew. I know it will be a laborious and daunting journey–and I’ll probably give up a few times–but I have to move, I have to leave this place of self-hate. I must find my peace and my happiness.
As of late I have reconnected with someone special from my past, shall we call him Mr. OVO. I like to reference him to Drake because just as Mr. Graham himself, he’s very open and honest about his feelings, his mistakes, his dreams, and has so much confidence in himself regardless of his past/current situations. It doesn’t hurt that a couple of Drake’s storytelling rhymes eerily align with our unique relationship. Mr. OVO has been a special person to me since the day we met (which I remember quite well, even with my janky memory LOL). I’ll delve deeper into our past in another post, but I bring him up to say that we have recently reconnected and I am glad because he is now filling a role that I never anticipated him to, but am glad he is doing so. This is both on a friendship level as well as a romantic level. He’s been such a great ear and critic, he doesn’t make excuses for my excuses, he tells me how it is. But all the while he supports me, encourages me, is interested in my success and happiness, and he loves me to top it all off.
So, along with him, and my own motivation I believe that I can take these hundreds of steps in the direction I need to be going, actually, I already have begun. Thanks to him I have a new found courage and perspective. And thanks to me for not giving up on myself entirely. I think a part of me knew that I needed to reach this low point. I knew there were some things I needed to learn about myself, about what I want and what I truly need. I am not sure exactly how any of this will play out, but I will do my best to record it via this blog, my poetry, and in my art. And I will become her, the woman that I envision in my head. The woman my soul is craving to release.
I will take control of my life, of my heart, of my mind.
I will create myself anew. I will be happy.
Ciao for now.
Day 4; Poem 1
I know a Man.
From ear to ear his name graces my lips as a smile.
Ambition unmatched, he is determined to earn that which is already in his posession.
His perception is uncanny
Always in my head, speaking my thoughts aloud
As though they were his own.
I know a Man
Who courts my insecurities,
Wooing them past gates of confinement,
Guiding them to Queenly confidence.
I know a Man
Whose words elicit a dozen emotions at once.
Thrusting me into the depths of excitement and anxiety while providing the greatest comfort I’ve ever known.
I know a Man,
Who knows my secrets and my flaws
Yet he loves me all the more.
His desire is to know my soul,
Protect my heart,
And align them with his.
I know a Man
Who wants to know all of Me.
My wants and needs
My passions and pain
So that he can give me everything I’ve lost and not yet found,
And show me who I am through his eyes.
She is your Sister.
As though She were your blood.
Speak blessings over Her life
Empower and give peace
Honor and respect Her Femininity.
Is a must.
Because She is your Sister
And You are Hers.
Wipe clean those tears
Feed not Her fears
For She has a right to be weak
In Her strength.
Be Her shade when the sun beats mercilessly
Be Her laughter when the pain becomes too great
Her guide when the world crumbles beneath Her feet.
And when She has everything
Her dreams have been fulfilled
And Her cup overflows with the sweetest gold nectar
Smile and applaud,
Take a sip
And bask in the greatness that is She.
Because that is what Sisters do.
I know it’s difficult
That this is not the way you wanted it to be
But I’m here with you.
Walking beside you
Exploring this new territory
With no bounds or map
I am here.
I want this.
Take my hand, come along.
Can’t you feel it?
Drawing us together,
The pull of what lies ahead
The promise of something amazing.
Ignore the pressure
To be what they want.
Open to their scrutiny
Of what we could be.
No, we should be
Just as we are
As we want and would be.
Our path is our own
We set the pace
The destinations and pit-stops
Pause and go as we please.
So please, take my hand
Come with me
So much lies ahead of us
I have spent years, years of my short life, trying to figure out why I am not good enough to commit to but good enough to fuck.
I doubt I will ever get a true grasp on what qualities that I lack, and what qualities I possess, that keep me from being enough for someone…anyone.
I have resolved that I am just not meant to be in a monogamous relationship. I am not meant to have promises come to fruition, only made in weak attempts to retain attention.
Though I am weary of this down-hill trek, I have decided to pursue other lifestyle choices. I must learn to desire other kinds of involvements, experience different types of encounters.
I must stop expecting there to be someone who wants to love me and be in love with me…that is stuff of fairytales. For some people these fairytales come true, but for me the pursuit of them has cause way too many sleepless nights, unbearable heartache, and much too muxh self loathing, confusion, and frustration.
I know this is really happening, me giving up on the notion of love and relationships, because I don’t cry anymore from the feeling of inadequacy or loneliness. I cry for all the nights and days I wasted being hopeful for something that I knew within my true heart would never come. I cry for the pain I caused myself waiting and wishing and wanting something that was never meant for me. I cry…not heavy sorrow filled tears, but quiet angry ones that come one at time and dry up before I realize they’ve fallen.
But these silent tears of mine are few, far less than I am used to…which is why I believe a change has come, I have finally awakened to my reality.
I am learning to not be jealous of other people and their significant others. Every journey is different, and I have to now undo 26 years of mental and emotional conditioning–the belief that there is true love, that love in the man-woman aspect exists for me. It does not. And that’s okay.
There are plenty of other things to feel and experience with the opposite sex. I believe that I was made to love, but not made to receive it in the same context. The proof of this is my past and present. It always ends with me hurting, never me hurting someone (not that I have tried)…I have deduced that this is because I broke some unwritten rule of trying to get the love I give, back in return. Every single time, I wind up hurt because I did what I wasn’t supposed to do. I am a vessel that is to be taken from, not added to…and that is where I went wrong all these years.
But I think I want to try something different all together. Where the pressure of the facade of love isn’t an issue. A different lifestyle than the one I have been groomed to believe is the only proper way. I want to try something else.
It kind of scares me because I never imagined myself doing it, but how can I know of it is for me if I never try? I can only hope not to break myself any more than I already am.
But we shall see how things go..I need to do more research and plan before I take that first step.
His love was like a gust of wind on a beautiful cloudless day. It heightened my senses and exposed me to the vastness of my own heart. And to be honest it was completely unexpected. Never did I think that my feelings would blossom into something so consuming. Into something so life changing. I never would have guessed he’d feel the same way.
This was no storybook boy-meets-girl situation. To say it was would dimish the complexity of our relationship. I worked hard to earn his love and trust, and in return he made me invaluable in his life. There were no secrets with us, no boundaries we couldn’t cross. He saw all of me, even the parts I attempted to hide. And he cherished them.
With a magnetic personality and a crooked smile he stormed into my life. Little did I know his charisma is what would catch my attention but his passion and tenacity would trap me. To know him was to love him, and I knew him better than anyone. He had me from the moment he kissed my hand and loving him became as reflexive as breathing.
I may never truly know why he chose me to give his heart to, or the exact moment he knew that there was more than just companionship between us. But I do know that even when my feelings were obvious and his own perplexed him, he remained unchanged.
Once love was claimed it was never denied, never made to be an object of shame; rather, he carried it with pride. He wiped my tears and made me laugh, he cooked for me and took me on adventures. We were young but we were on fire.
I realize now that he took care of me, protected me from almost everything that would cause me pain because he knew he couldn’t protect me from himself.
Over the years there was much confusion, longing, and heartache. But through it all there remained this inexplicable bond that reached down into my soul anchored by an immense love.
There was no fairytale ending for us though. Time and space and life, as they often do, have done their damage. But his legacy of honesty, trust, and adornment have stayed with me. He was my first love.