Posted in Uncategorized

What Do You Do?

When you realize you have no friends anymore and you have no life outside of work…

This being alone and being lonely shit sucks ass….when you realize there is no one who wants to hang out with you or be around you…when you aren’t even on the top 3 list of people thatt others would call to spend time with…when you have no one to talk to or just watch a movie with. No one you can text or call to hang out with,  even for an hour or two.

You have no one. No one to talk to, to unwind with…when you’ve literally felt alone and lonely all day–even surrounded by people at work, and you just want to connect with someone familiar, and not recognizable strangers…but you have no one to call because everyone else has a life, has something and someone that they would rather spend time with, and you don’t.

When everyone you truly care for and have a bond with leaves you in more ways than one…

What do you do?

Posted in Uncategorized

Fuming.

I am in a precarious situation.

I’m not quite sure how to feel.

And that uncertainty, that is what I dislike the most about this whole “dating” thing.

How do you voice the things you are feeling without coming off as too territorial and selfish and without overstepping boundaries? Where is the line drawn between disrespect on a talking/dating level and girlfriend?

Ive always hated toeing that line. Cause for some reason I am always made out to be the one who is “doing too much” or “has unrealistic expectations”…*sigh*.

Here I am sitting in Chris’s room while he entertains guests in his livingroom. We spent the past few hours talking and joking and enjoying one another’s company. Then suddenly, without warning or explanation, he gets up and goes to the living room. He says he’ll be right back. Then he comes back and grabs his speakers and take them and some otger stuff into the living room.

Now at this point I am beginning to feel some type of way like…

1. I do not have to be here.

2. I can leave (which I offered to do but he asked me to stay).

3. Why am i in here still?

4. I am upset, and I feel played…

5. Is it that he is ashamed or embarrassed of me?

6. Why is he separating me from his friends when I invited him around mine?

7. What the fuck?!

8. Wtf is going on?

9. I’m getting pissed off….even though I am trying to remain calm.
It’s been about 20 minutes…and I have no idea what is going on or how long it will last. Am I that desperate for attention/affection of any kind?!

No. I’m not. This is ridiculous. Smh.

And when I stated that I could leave since he had something planned, he proclaimed that this wasnt planned…and yet here I still am sitting here. But not for much longer. I’m not some secret, or whatever he thinks I am.

No we are not in a relationship. Hell, we haven’t set any parameters of what it is we’re doing exactly, but damn I at least deserve some basic decency of a heads up, a semi explaination, something.

This is disrespectful. If the roles were reversed and he were in my shoes I am sure he (or anyone else for that matter) would feel uneasy to say the least, confused, irritated, played, disrespected…

I’m trying to not get upset. Because no, i do not have rights to claim his time or him as a person, we are not on that level. But…wtf.

Smh. What are you doing L? How did we get here?

Posted in Art, Change, Contemplate, Epiphany, FCHW, Fear, Freedom, Happiness, Heart, Love, Mind, Poetry, Positivity, Progress, Recovery, Revelation, Something New, Soul, Spirit, Uncategorized, Women, Writing

Long Overdue

I am such a procrastinator. I am sooooo lazy and just neglectful of this blog, my passions, and most importantly myself.

There’s really no reason or excuse, I have just become a lazy blob. And I hate it…

But recently while scrolling through Instagram I ran across an interesting post which sparked some a sort of epiphany…The guy’s post were a few personal words expressing how over the years he’s become someone he loathes and how he let himself down after vowing to never become like “typical” men and  treat women with disrespect. Though the post was short and sweet, the context of his words resonated with me in a place that I often try to hide or ignore.

I responded immediately because although I understood where his feelings of disappointment and dislike were coming from, I felt he needed to hear from someone else who harbored similar feelings that it was okay for him to not like who he is at this moment. I said,

“We all become people we don’t recognize and vowed we’d never be. But the truth is, that’s how we find and create ourselves.”

It wasn’t until I decided to make that statement a personal post on my IG that I realized how true those words were for me. At this stage in my life I feel like I’ve hit a completely different rock bottom than where I was even last year. I am creatively blocked (possibly my own doing) in both art and writing, I am doing absolutely nothing to better myself physically (even though I have every reason to put the pedal to the metal), I am limiting myself spiritually, academically, professionally, financially, and emotionally. This list can go on and on and on…but regardless of how much more of my failure and shortcomings I write I know that all of these issues I am having are now rooted in myself. I am the cause of my own demise. I allowed myself to get to this point, to become a person that I truly hate. And yet, I do nothing about it. It has taken me waaaaaaay too long to openly admit this. I know that we all know in the back of our minds that we are responsible for the person that we are and become, we are solely responsible for our happiness. And I have a habit of placing the blame for my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life on numerous outside influences.

But really, it’s me.

Plain and simply. I lack drive, I am lazy, I am afraid of both success and failure–though by hindering and stunting myself I am ensuring my failure (yes I know, it’s stupid.). I am unhappy. And I keep trying to figure out when I became this person. When exactly did I lose who I used to be? Was it one isolated incident, a series of events? Honestly the answers to these questions will not change the fact that I am still here, in this personal hell that I have created for myself.

I am at a point where I am extremely uncomfortable being this person, being this stranger. I miss the ambition and inspiration. I miss the action, the bit of confidence I had. I really do. I miss how I saw myself (as far as my abilities; I am, however, glad that my other insecurities are fading). I hate who I have become.

But just like I told that brother on Instagram, this stage of self loathing is necessary in order for us to become who we are meant to be. I needed to reach this place so that I could grow from it, come up out of the muck and shine anew. I know it will be a laborious and daunting journey–and I’ll probably give up a few times–but I have to move, I have to leave this place of self-hate. I must find my peace and my happiness.

As of late I have reconnected with someone special from my past, shall we call him  Mr. OVO. I like to reference him to Drake because just as Mr. Graham himself, he’s very open and honest about his feelings, his mistakes, his dreams, and has so much confidence in himself regardless of his past/current situations. It doesn’t hurt that a couple of Drake’s storytelling rhymes eerily align with our unique relationship. Mr. OVO has been a special person to me since the day we met (which I remember quite well, even with my janky memory LOL). I’ll delve deeper into our past in another post, but I bring him up to say that we have recently reconnected and I am glad because he is now filling a role that I never anticipated him to, but am glad he is doing so. This is both on a friendship level as well as a romantic level. He’s been such a great ear and critic, he doesn’t make excuses for my excuses, he tells me how it is. But all the while he supports me, encourages me, is interested in my success and happiness, and he loves me to top it all off.

So, along with him, and my own motivation I believe that I can take these hundreds of steps in the direction I need to be going, actually, I already have begun. Thanks to him I have a new found courage and perspective. And thanks to me for not giving up on myself entirely. I think a part of me knew that I needed to reach this low point. I knew there were some things I needed to learn about myself, about what I want and what I truly need. I am not sure exactly how any of this will play out, but I will do my best to record it via this blog, my poetry, and in my art. And I will become her, the woman that I envision in my head. The woman my soul is craving to release.

I will take control of my life, of my heart, of my mind.

I will create myself anew. I will be happy.

Ciao for now.

Posted in Appreciation, Companionship, Connection, Dating, Friendship, Happiness, heart, Love, Men, Mind, NaPoWriMo, NightOwl, Poetry, Positivity, relationships, Something New, Soul, Spirit, Women, Writing

POEM: I Know A Man

NaPoWriMo 2016
Day 4; Poem 1

I know a Man.
From ear to ear his name graces my lips as a smile.
Ambition unmatched, he is determined to earn that which is already in his posession.
My heart,
Now his.
His perception is uncanny
Always in my head, speaking my thoughts aloud
As though they were his own.
I know a Man
Who courts my insecurities,
Wooing them past gates of confinement,
Guiding them to Queenly confidence.
I know a Man
Whose words elicit a dozen emotions at once.
Thrusting me into the depths of excitement and anxiety while providing the greatest comfort I’ve ever known.
I know a Man,
Who knows my secrets and my flaws
Yet he loves me all the more.
His desire is to know my soul,
Protect my heart,
And align them with his.
I know a Man
Who wants to know all of Me.
My wants and needs
My passions and pain
So that he can give me everything I’ve lost and not yet found,
And show me who I am through his eyes.

Posted in Appreciation, Contemplate, Friendship, Happiness, Love, Poetry, Positivity, Progress, Something New, Women, Writing

POEM: Sisters

She is your Sister.
Uplift her
As though She were your blood.
Speak blessings over Her life
Empower and give peace
Honor and respect Her Femininity.
For Unity
Is a must.
Because She is your Sister
And You are Hers.
Wipe clean those tears
Feed not Her fears
For She has a right to be weak
In Her strength.
Be Her shade when the sun beats mercilessly
Be Her laughter when the pain becomes too great
Her guide when the world crumbles beneath Her feet.
And when She has everything
Her dreams have been fulfilled
And Her cup overflows with the sweetest gold nectar
Smile and applaud,
Take a sip
And bask in the greatness that is She.
Because that is what Sisters do.

Posted in Change, Contemplate, Dating, Disclosure, FCHW, Fear, Freedom, Friendship, Happiness, Insomnia, Love, Men, Poetry, Positivity, Progress, Revelation, Something New, Unique, Women, Writing

POEM: I Am Here With You

I know it’s difficult
That this is not the way you wanted it to be
To happen
But I’m here with you.
Walking beside you
Exploring this new territory
With no bounds or map
I am here.
I want this.
Take my hand, come along.
Can’t you feel it?
Drawing us together,
And forward
The pull of what lies ahead
The promise of something amazing.
Ignore the pressure
To be what they want.
Open to their scrutiny
Assumptions, expectations
False representations
Of what we could be.
No, we should be
Just as we are
As we want and would be.
Our path is our own
We set the pace
The destinations and pit-stops
Pause and go as we please.
So please, take my hand
Come with me
So much lies ahead of us
I’m here
With you.