I have spent years, years of my short life, trying to figure out why I am not good enough to commit to but good enough to fuck.
I doubt I will ever get a true grasp on what qualities that I lack, and what qualities I possess, that keep me from being enough for someone…anyone.
I have resolved that I am just not meant to be in a monogamous relationship. I am not meant to have promises come to fruition, only made in weak attempts to retain attention.
Though I am weary of this down-hill trek, I have decided to pursue other lifestyle choices. I must learn to desire other kinds of involvements, experience different types of encounters.
I must stop expecting there to be someone who wants to love me and be in love with me…that is stuff of fairytales. For some people these fairytales come true, but for me the pursuit of them has cause way too many sleepless nights, unbearable heartache, and much too muxh self loathing, confusion, and frustration.
I know this is really happening, me giving up on the notion of love and relationships, because I don’t cry anymore from the feeling of inadequacy or loneliness. I cry for all the nights and days I wasted being hopeful for something that I knew within my true heart would never come. I cry for the pain I caused myself waiting and wishing and wanting something that was never meant for me. I cry…not heavy sorrow filled tears, but quiet angry ones that come one at time and dry up before I realize they’ve fallen.
But these silent tears of mine are few, far less than I am used to…which is why I believe a change has come, I have finally awakened to my reality.
I am learning to not be jealous of other people and their significant others. Every journey is different, and I have to now undo 26 years of mental and emotional conditioning–the belief that there is true love, that love in the man-woman aspect exists for me. It does not. And that’s okay.
There are plenty of other things to feel and experience with the opposite sex. I believe that I was made to love, but not made to receive it in the same context. The proof of this is my past and present. It always ends with me hurting, never me hurting someone (not that I have tried)…I have deduced that this is because I broke some unwritten rule of trying to get the love I give, back in return. Every single time, I wind up hurt because I did what I wasn’t supposed to do. I am a vessel that is to be taken from, not added to…and that is where I went wrong all these years.
But I think I want to try something different all together. Where the pressure of the facade of love isn’t an issue. A different lifestyle than the one I have been groomed to believe is the only proper way. I want to try something else.
It kind of scares me because I never imagined myself doing it, but how can I know of it is for me if I never try? I can only hope not to break myself any more than I already am.
But we shall see how things go..I need to do more research and plan before I take that first step.