I push people away
I get hurt too easily
Get rejected often
And can’t deal
With any more
I say things
I don’t mean
Give a cold shoulder
Cry in the dark
And hide how I feel.
My heart cannot afford
To endure it again
And the pain.
So I push
And break my own heart.
If only dreams came true…
This was the umpteenth time you
appeared in a dream
This was a happy one
You finally saw what I’ve known forever
And bliss was ours for the taking.
I like this…
It is exciting and yet comfortable
I am filled with a sense of giddiness
There is no pressure
It just feels…right.
Wherever this road may lead
Whether we are at its end
and will go separate ways
Or if we’re just beginning this trek
I am glad that our paths have crossed
That I had this experience,
This time with you.
There are many questions I need to answer and much I need to discuss. But tonight I will opt for just posting a few simple words rwminding myself that my purpose is not my own. My purpose is not for me but dor someone else, other someones. Those who I can positively impact with my talents. There are so many ideas and thoughts in my head dying to be made real.
Soon. After reasearch and more questions and possible answers, these thoughts will begin to take form.
But now, I sleep.
Single. Being single again causes me to go through various upband down and up up moods again, often in extremes…
This carnal craving has been growing and growing and there is nothing i can do about it. I no longer have someone to quench this inner thirst, to tame the raging fires…and I’m starting to crave past lovers.
This may or may not be a bad thing…but after this relationship I know for sure I am not looking to jump into another, or anything close to one.
In simple terms, i just want my booty rubbed on, a few mind blowing orgasms, and a body to curl upn under at night. Conversation is nice too, yes, but i want no serious emotional attachment.
To be a bit more poetic, i crave touch, lips and grazing teeth, strong hands roaming my body…and the absence of looming heartbreak.
I am in my feelings.
Buried deep, deep within them.
And i don’t see myself climbing out…
Why does this always get to me?
Is it that it represents something I am not…that I feel I will never be?
It eats away at me constantly.
Life will go on.
I want to find happiness again. It kind of scares me because I know that I will be sad again in the not too distant future. But I can’t help but feel as though this dark cloud is just slightly lighter than it has been in these past weeks.
I am not sure why though. How am I supposed to continue to brighten my life if I don’t know what the cause is…unless I am imagining it all.
Today was alright. I had some really dark moments, I wanted to just leave. Crawl up into a ball and cry until my chest caved from the pressure. But I breathed through it. I shed minimal tears and kept my composure. To say the least, my attitude was shot the rest of the day. I blame that mostly on my raging hormones though (menstrual cycles really mess with my emotions).
But, other than that it was okay. I had the usual “I just want to sleep life away” thoughts this morning, and actually fell back asleep a few hours after waking. But at least I got out of bed and did something constructive today.
Nothing I love doing is calling out to me anymore; not painting, not writing, not even music. I think I need to rid nyself of all this negative energy though. It’s driving me insane.
Prayer doesn’t seem to be helping, and I know I am in a selfmade mountain of ruin–it seems I ruin everything in my life, everything I really care about or want. But I am holding out hope that things will gradually get better. That something will spark a fire in me once more and ignite my passion for life. But for now I will just settle for quieter thoughts and restful nights.
Hopefully I can get to sleep before 3-4 a.m.