I have spent years, years of my short life, trying to figure out why I am not good enough to commit to but good enough to fuck.

I doubt I will ever get a true grasp on what qualities that I lack, and what qualities I possess, that keep me from being enough for someone…anyone.

I have resolved that I am just not meant to be in a monogamous relationship. I am not meant to have promises come to fruition, only made in weak attempts to retain attention.

Though I am weary of this down-hill trek, I have decided to pursue other lifestyle choices. I must learn to desire other kinds of involvements, experience different types of encounters.

I must stop expecting there to be someone who wants to love me and be in love with me…that is stuff of fairytales. For some people these fairytales come true, but for me the pursuit of them has cause way too many sleepless nights, unbearable heartache, and much too muxh self loathing, confusion, and frustration.

I know this is really happening, me giving up on the notion of love and relationships, because I don’t cry anymore from the feeling of inadequacy or loneliness. I cry for all the nights and days I wasted being hopeful for something that I knew within my true heart would never come. I cry for the pain I caused myself waiting and wishing and wanting something that was never meant for me. I cry…not heavy sorrow filled tears, but quiet angry ones that come one at time and dry up before  I realize they’ve fallen.

But these silent tears of mine are few, far less than I am used to…which is why I believe a change has come, I have finally awakened to my reality.

I am learning to not be jealous of other people and their significant others. Every journey is different, and I have to now undo 26 years of mental and emotional conditioning–the belief that there is true love, that love in the man-woman aspect exists for me. It does not. And that’s okay.

There are plenty of other things to feel and experience with the opposite sex. I believe that I was made to love, but not made to receive it in the same context. The proof of this is my past and present. It always ends with me hurting, never me hurting someone (not that I have tried)…I have deduced that this is because I broke some unwritten rule of trying to get the love I give, back in return. Every single time, I wind up hurt because I did what I wasn’t supposed to do. I am a vessel that is to be taken from, not added to…and that is where I went wrong all these years.

But I think I want to try something different all together. Where the pressure of the facade of love isn’t an issue. A different lifestyle than the one I have been groomed to believe is the only proper way. I want to try something else.

It kind of scares me because I never imagined myself doing it, but how can I know of it is for me if I never try? I can only hope not to break myself any more than I already am.

But we shall see how things go..I need to do more research and plan before I take that first step.

Disclosure: Prince Charming (pt. 1)

Prince Charming

His love was like a gust of wind on a beautiful cloudless day. It heightened my senses and exposed me to the vastness of my own heart. And to be honest it was completely unexpected. Never did I think that my feelings would blossom into something so consuming. Into something so life changing. I never would have guessed he’d feel the same way.

This was no storybook boy-meets-girl situation. To say it was would dimish the complexity of our relationship. I worked hard to earn his love and trust, and in return he made me invaluable in his life. There were no secrets with us, no boundaries we couldn’t cross. He saw all of me, even the parts I attempted to hide. And he cherished them.

With a magnetic personality and a crooked smile he stormed into my life. Little did I know his charisma is what would catch my attention but his passion and tenacity would trap me. To know him was to love him, and I knew him better than anyone. He had me from the moment he kissed my hand and loving him became as reflexive as breathing.

I may never truly know why he chose me to give his heart to, or the exact moment he knew that there was more than just companionship between us. But I do know that even when my feelings were obvious and his own perplexed him, he remained unchanged.

Once love was claimed it was never denied, never made to be an object of shame; rather, he carried it with pride. He wiped my tears and made me laugh, he cooked for me and took me on adventures. We were young but we were on fire.

I realize now that he took care of me, protected me from almost everything that would cause me pain because he knew he couldn’t protect me from himself.

Over the years there was much confusion, longing, and heartache. But through it all there remained this inexplicable bond that reached down into my soul anchored by an immense love.

There was no fairytale ending for us though. Time and space and life, as they often do, have done their damage. But his legacy of honesty, trust, and adornment have stayed with me. He was my first love.

Stay Tuned

I’m contemplating writing a few short entries about different people I know, different periods in my life, that have affected me in so many ways…I wonder how this is gonna go.

I really don’t know where to begin though, or who to start with. Should I go from past to present, present to past, or be completely random in order?

Pause I know exactly who to start with…

Stay Tuned, Disclosure is coming.


Back Again

The reemergence of people in our lives can be very informative.

We are forced to ask ourselves a few questions as to why they have return (and if they weren’t gone completely, rather just dormant pieces, why have they suddenly become active again).

Why have they come back?
What is their new purpose?
How long will they stay active in my life?
What am I supposed to learn from them?
Who are they now, compared to who they were before?
How will I change from this interaction?

We have to prepare ourselves for both positive and negative effects when people come into our lives…or return.

Yet we have to be open to all experiences so we can receive what it is we’re supposed to from them.

Relationships Part 1.

In all of the relationships I have, or have had, God has shown me things about myself and my partner, things that make me more conscious of what I do and don’t want in “the” relationship with the one who is my soul mate.

I feel myself being prepared in many ways, growing into the woman God wants me to be. I am always learning and understanding and actualizing. It is always harder to do what you know is right and best when in your first mind your actions more than likely are the opposite of those good and right things. I’ve learned and am learning to temper my tongue and my thoughts; to process and analyze before acting and speaking. I’m extremely guarded and I  easily and instantly go into attack mode when things get tense. I don’t want to be the one hurt or on the receiving end of the storm, so many times I want to lash out, accuse, dismiss, anything that will protect me from being hurt again.

This is a problem because I love getting to know people, reaching into their minds, connecting on more than a surface level. And my guarded nature is counterproductive to getting to know people and allowing them to get to know me. This is just one of the many lessons taught on multiple occasions with different people.

The best thing about the variety of lovers and friends I’ve had is that I take with me something new from each situation, gain a new perspective or insight into how I mesh and function with different spirits and bodies.


I am lost.
Somewhere between responsibility and a few blocks past young adulthood
I have gotten lost.
My adolescent years seem to be a thousand miles behind me
While the dreary day-to-day of eight-hour shifts are synonyms with “objects are closer than they appear”.
I had forgotten what it was like to have a carefree spirit
Laugh without shame.
I no longer feel as though the road before me is a bright one
Filled with endless possibilities.
No, my days are routine, often flying by without purpose.
I am existing.
In a land without water or rain
I am drifting.
Through tumbleweeds and dust
No longer having the energy to concoct a mirage.
The merciless sun beating down on my back, reminding me of all the things that I have lost.
No clouds to bounce between, drifting from elevated bliss to creative new heights
No wind to get caught up in, to blow me in the right direction.
And no rain.
No water to nourish my spirit and wash away the debris and confusion.
So I am left with the sun,
Stifling and suffocating
It is relentless in its efforts to remind me of…

You know, the sad part is that i can’t even get my head clear enough to write this supposed poem, let alone think about editing it. Smh. I feel like I have a creative block. Not just a mental one, but spiritually. I feel so DISCONNECTED from myself…or who I used to be. I can’t seem to find all the pieces, and the ones that I already have don’t fit.

I feel trapped in a box of duty and responsibility. I fear that I will no longer have these creative gifts of mine if I dont engage them, release this tension. But i also feel as though I can’t allow any distractions, I am a working woman now. I have bills. I can never go back to the place I was in in 2012-2013. I have to make sure I work and make money so my bills are paid, so I have food, and a place to sleep. I just can’t go back to that place.

I think I am utterly afraid. Those years were so hard for me…and I no longer have the cushion of financial aid and refunds to keep me afloat financially. And even though I work a lot and work hard, I still find myself struggling. So I am afraid. Afraid of that brokenness, that confusion, that rock bottom place. I barely had anything or anyone. And I just cannot go back. I have honestly not been able to create since then…almost three years. Graduate school, the short time I was there, did nothing to help rejuvenate this being inside of me. Still she lies dormant, locked withing a cell of her own creation.

How can I still call myself an artist when I am afraid to lift my brush?

Will I ever find that solace in art again? Will it ever make sense to me? Speak to me as it once did, all throughout my day and feed my dreams?

I haven’t written anything of substance in a while either. I have not completed a story since 2011…where has all the time gone? Where is the girl I was?

Has she been kidnapped by the woman I have become? Is she lost within her reality and no longer dreaming?

All of this is so heartbreaking and maddening! I don’t know how to find the old me, or just become someone new all together.

I just know that I have to, I can’t stay like this. This is not living.

Lost and Aware

Sometimes you wake up
And realize that you have been

Stuck rooted somewhere
Wandering aimlessly
Blissfully unaware
All the while
That something
Isn’t right.

Yet still you continue to roam
Never going anywhere
Nor leaving from some place
Just meandering
With no purpose
No mission
No vision
No goal.

But then almost like magic
You stop.
The world is still
And you grow uncomfortable
And realization begins to seep in
And the fog clears almost instantly.
Then suddenly you know
You do not belong here.

You start to realize
That time has been wasted
That you were not
Living, merely alive.
Fear and panic set in.
And you have questions
So many questions
For God, for the universe
For everyone who let you get lost.

That fear turns to anger
You have really been lost.
Existing in a life that
Wasn’t meant for you to live.

You know that you must go back
Get back on track
Find your real self.
But you are afraid.
Afraid of losing yourself again
Of becoming lost and never finding
Your way out
Your way back to
Who you really are
And should be.

So you stand unmoving
Painfully aware
That you are lost.
But now you are too afraid
To find yourself.
And you know that by standing still
Choosing fear over fate
That you will remain lost.

It is that fear
That unwillingness to move
That traps you
Keeps you stuck
You are not happy
But you are afraid to
Find what brings you joy
To go where you belong.

Knowing this
Accepting all of this as truth
Hurts more than knowing you were lost
Because now you must face
Your weaknesses
Your pain
Your fear
Your shame.

With fear in your heart
And shame on your back
You uproot yourself
And you know that this
Is only the beginning.
These are only the first steps
On the path to finding
Peace and purpose
To finding you.