Letters, of love and other things…
Yes. I believe in love. But not just that “I think I love him/her” love. No, fcuk (spelled wrong purposely) that. I want the real thing…
“Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life–love should not be one of them” -Unknown
I believe in that kind of love. The irrevocable, head-over-heels, make-you-do-irrational-things kind of love. Because love, real love, is irrational. Think about it, every time you have ever been in love (if you have been granted the opportunity to be in love) you have done some crazy things. Things that you would tell your friends not to do. You endured through all the craziness, the pain, the bullshit, the anger, all because something from within you called out to someone else so strongly that you cared not for your own well being. All you cared about was the notion of “we”. You and whoever that lucky person was–whether they knew how lucky they were or not. I believe that is a big part of love, endurance.
So this is what I have been thinking of for quite some time now. Granted I’m always thinking about love, but more so now, than usual. I’ve been thinking about my life and the love that I have experienced and wish to have again.
I was hurt, badly. It took me a long time to pull myself out of my broken heart induced misery, but I’m here. Ready to fall again. Why you may ask? Because isn’t that what life is about? Loving, learning, and teaching?
What does this have to do with letters? Well I’ve recently written a letter to someone who I have had feelings for since last summer. Initially I had no clue what was drawing me to this person, why he resided in my thoughts daily. I shall call him Mint Condition (the song “Pretty Brown Eyes” by Mint Condition reminds me of him)…So…Mint Condition, he and I shared a chemistry that I hadn’t felt in years. I had forgotten what it was like to truly be attracted to someone. And not just physically attracted to, but mentally, intellectually, emotionally. We had an amazing summer IMO (“in my opinion”) and some good months there after. Unfortunately we drifted slightly. But we remained good friends…but that is it, just friends.
Since he and his beautiful eyes have been plaguing my mind for quite a while, I decided to write to him. After all, I can never fully express myself verbally, but on paper I am all detail and description. So I wrote and wrote and wrote. Time passed and a month had gone by since I wrote the letter. I’ve read and edited it numerous times, but the message was still the same: I dig you and this unexplained chemistry we have. I want more.
Now clearly I was not bold enough to give my letter to him. Actually, I made it up in my mind that I was never gonna give it to him. I was afraid, still am. I am petrified. Why? Mint Condition is awfully blunt LOL, though it is something that I love about him–honest and real–I also know that he can be a tad harsh at times.
He and I have touched this subject before though. For the first time in my life I actually told someone how I felt before it was too late haha! Now, even with all of my bravery (I was shaking like a scared kitten on the inside) I made it through, told him how I felt. And you know what, for the first time in my life, someone who didn’t initially start out as a romantic conquest told me that they felt the same way! ^_^ Yay for me! I was giddy as a school girl, alas, my happiness didn’t last for long. He, and I quote, said “I’m indifferent about it though.”
That is the face I made inside of my head. I mean of all things to say, what the hell does that mean? Well it took me some time, but I figured it out–it meant he didn’t feel strongly enough about me to change our situation. Jeez Louise! I felt so low when it clicked. I mean I just poured my heart out to you! At the time he had some major things going on in his life (still does sorta) so I brushed it off. >_<
But that brush did nothing for how I felt inside. I knew my that at just the sound of his voice my heart would still skip a beat, that I would always want to be near him, that I would go out of my way to see him or talk to him–sad to say, your girl was gone, all the way off the cliff, floating. There was no hope for me LOL.
Anyway, back to this letter. Well today I wrote a pre-letter to the one I had already written. Now this letter was a bit different, basically the message was: I still feel the same way as I did about you before, but I won’t push you to feel something I know you can–I value our friendship too much. Yeah, that’s it. So in this pre-letter I told him how I felt about our friendship but made it clear that I realize that if he truly wanted me, he would have approached me by now. I know him well enough to know that that’s what he does with women he is attracted to. That’s how any man or woman works. If someone wants you, they will make it known, they will go out of their way to text you, call you, see you, make you laugh, etc. (I am reminded of the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the books that the movie was based off of, everyone should go see the movie at at least view a few of the chapters!) Well, Mint Condition doesn’t do that. *sigh* But I’m okay though, I am used to disappointment, though I shouldn’t be.
So I wrote in this pre-letter that I still want him to read the longer, emotion bearing, letter I wrote earlier this year. But that I also understand that my letter isn’t going to jump-start his heart and make him fall for me. I am too much of a realist to believe that. But I want him to read it so he can understand the depth of how much I feel. Granted I am hoping not to push him away–which is something that I would not be able to withstand. It would break me. This is how much he means to mean as a person and friend.
So I have resolved to give him these letters when I see him for the last time before I leave for home. Sometime this week I plan to give it to him, this way I don’t have to be here to deal with whatever backlash might come from it. LOL…yes, I am a punk-ass. I am nervous and afraid. But I know that my letters are filled with a bunch of heavy, though he may not feel the same, I think he needs to know. Now if I do end up pushing him away, then it was just meant to be, seeing as I won’t be back here in Louisiana for a few months…3 months at least -_-. And like I said, if he chooses to distance himself and allow our friendship to die, then so be it. I’ve had worse happen. At least I said how I felt, and was honest with myself. It might hurt, but I will be okay.
But truthfully, I don’t know what to expect. I mean, I want us to move forward. The hopeless romantic in me wants him to one day realize his feelings for me and for us to have a Notebook-esq love affair. Fat chance haha! But seriously though, he’s quite an unpredictable guy. Mint Condition is the king of mixed signals at times *rolls eyes*. But anyway, this post has gone on long enough.
I hope whoever is reading this will be inspired to write a letter to someone they care about. It’s refreshing and can offer you some solace and serve as a great form of therapy. Good luck to all those lovers out there, those who have their loves with them, and those who aim to simply find love.
Ciao for now. ❤