Posted in Contemplate, FCHW, Fear, Friendship, Happiness, Insomnia, Love, NightOwl

Too Much Too Soon

I had a breakdown today. So many mixed emotions, fears, and worries all flooded my mind. Luckily for me Next Life Time was there to listen and help.

He and I talked mostly about Clark Kent aka Superman (formerly known as Smiles….he likes Superman better). My feelings for Superman are weird, but honest. I am at that stage where I know how I feel but I am not sure whether or not he is being sincere or genuine when Superman feels the same. The crazy part is that Lana Lane is not supposed to doubt Clark at all for any reason…I am just afraid. It is not often that I believe any man is genuinely honest when he expresses how he feels for me, that’s just the way it is. So I know that this is normal for me, but with my impending return to Louisiana I’m really caught off guard with this whole situation.

I hate being wrong. Especially when it comes to my own life. I don’t like admitting that I feel a certain way nor do I like owning up to my faults. But all of these are a part of growing up.

I like Clark Kent, a lot. But all of this is so sudden! I never expected this man to come into my life. My intent was to work and make enough money to pay off my school. This dating that we’re doing was a curve ball that I had never seen coming. And I am also concerned about where these next two months are gonna take us. I don’t want my feelings to get all caught up in this man and then I have to up and leave for the next 6 months to a year. That’s not fair to my heart. Long distance relationships do not work well with me, hell, no relationship works well with me…I don’t know. Perhaps I’m thinking too much as I normally do.

But I am also worried and fearful about what happens once august comes. Everything about my return to Louisiana is uncertain. And I have learned that uncertainty and I do not mix, ever. I cannot just up and leave not having a plan, not having stability. And I am not sure that I will have the resources I need in order to make my return successful. I am absolutely terrified that things will not work out.

I need a place to live, a job, a mode of transportation, money to pay off my school…so much is just floating in the air and nothing is on solid ground….I have yet to learn to fly.

*sigh*

June has come so soon, too soon. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

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