I am such a procrastinator. I am sooooo lazy and just neglectful of this blog, my passions, and most importantly myself.
There’s really no reason or excuse, I have just become a lazy blob. And I hate it…
But recently while scrolling through Instagram I ran across an interesting post which sparked some a sort of epiphany…The guy’s post were a few personal words expressing how over the years he’s become someone he loathes and how he let himself down after vowing to never become like “typical” men and treat women with disrespect. Though the post was short and sweet, the context of his words resonated with me in a place that I often try to hide or ignore.
I responded immediately because although I understood where his feelings of disappointment and dislike were coming from, I felt he needed to hear from someone else who harbored similar feelings that it was okay for him to not like who he is at this moment. I said,
“We all become people we don’t recognize and vowed we’d never be. But the truth is, that’s how we find and create ourselves.”
It wasn’t until I decided to make that statement a personal post on my IG that I realized how true those words were for me. At this stage in my life I feel like I’ve hit a completely different rock bottom than where I was even last year. I am creatively blocked (possibly my own doing) in both art and writing, I am doing absolutely nothing to better myself physically (even though I have every reason to put the pedal to the metal), I am limiting myself spiritually, academically, professionally, financially, and emotionally. This list can go on and on and on…but regardless of how much more of my failure and shortcomings I write I know that all of these issues I am having are now rooted in myself. I am the cause of my own demise. I allowed myself to get to this point, to become a person that I truly hate. And yet, I do nothing about it. It has taken me waaaaaaay too long to openly admit this. I know that we all know in the back of our minds that we are responsible for the person that we are and become, we are solely responsible for our happiness. And I have a habit of placing the blame for my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life on numerous outside influences.
But really, it’s me.
Plain and simply. I lack drive, I am lazy, I am afraid of both success and failure–though by hindering and stunting myself I am ensuring my failure (yes I know, it’s stupid.). I am unhappy. And I keep trying to figure out when I became this person. When exactly did I lose who I used to be? Was it one isolated incident, a series of events? Honestly the answers to these questions will not change the fact that I am still here, in this personal hell that I have created for myself.
I am at a point where I am extremely uncomfortable being this person, being this stranger. I miss the ambition and inspiration. I miss the action, the bit of confidence I had. I really do. I miss how I saw myself (as far as my abilities; I am, however, glad that my other insecurities are fading). I hate who I have become.
But just like I told that brother on Instagram, this stage of self loathing is necessary in order for us to become who we are meant to be. I needed to reach this place so that I could grow from it, come up out of the muck and shine anew. I know it will be a laborious and daunting journey–and I’ll probably give up a few times–but I have to move, I have to leave this place of self-hate. I must find my peace and my happiness.
As of late I have reconnected with someone special from my past, shall we call him Mr. OVO. I like to reference him to Drake because just as Mr. Graham himself, he’s very open and honest about his feelings, his mistakes, his dreams, and has so much confidence in himself regardless of his past/current situations. It doesn’t hurt that a couple of Drake’s storytelling rhymes eerily align with our unique relationship. Mr. OVO has been a special person to me since the day we met (which I remember quite well, even with my janky memory LOL). I’ll delve deeper into our past in another post, but I bring him up to say that we have recently reconnected and I am glad because he is now filling a role that I never anticipated him to, but am glad he is doing so. This is both on a friendship level as well as a romantic level. He’s been such a great ear and critic, he doesn’t make excuses for my excuses, he tells me how it is. But all the while he supports me, encourages me, is interested in my success and happiness, and he loves me to top it all off.
So, along with him, and my own motivation I believe that I can take these hundreds of steps in the direction I need to be going, actually, I already have begun. Thanks to him I have a new found courage and perspective. And thanks to me for not giving up on myself entirely. I think a part of me knew that I needed to reach this low point. I knew there were some things I needed to learn about myself, about what I want and what I truly need. I am not sure exactly how any of this will play out, but I will do my best to record it via this blog, my poetry, and in my art. And I will become her, the woman that I envision in my head. The woman my soul is craving to release.
I will take control of my life, of my heart, of my mind.
I will create myself anew. I will be happy.
Ciao for now.
2 Weeks Notice 