Good morning to anyone who may be reading this. This past Memorial weekend was good. There was much needed self-care, fellowship, laughter, and relaxation. I spent Sunday with my best friends–we cooked and ate and drank and danced the day into the late night. We were supposed to be in Atlanta celebrating our bestie and her first pregnancy at her baby shower, and also attend my first ever Carnival–however, this COVID-19 pandemic has caused a lot of things to go awry. So Sunday we danced to reggae and soca and drank too many mimosas. It was so cathartic and joyous. Great to release my mind from the constant worrying in regards to The Trio, and how I can do something, anything.
I’ve been digging deeper into my spirituality and giving myself the space to heal, feel, to express, to release. So many emotions, so many revelations. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and the commitment I’ve made to myself. What I am currently beginning to struggle with now is the “in-between” time (which is very telling and representative of who I’ve been before now–impatient, demanding, controlling). My experience with waiting and having patience has not been great. I’ve operated on instant gratification and wanting what I want NOW–if I don’t get it I bounce from one extreme emotion to the next. But the timeline of my life is not controlled by my impatience or the time I want things to happen. And so, I am learning to keep my hands and my mind busy (not too busy) during the times when I need to be hands off. Find a way to release this pent up energy in a positive way.
Writing and has helped. But I know I need to create something, MAKE something. I plan on going to my art studio later after work today and setting up my ceramic wheel. I need some hands-on time with something that I can mold and control to release this need I have to control the things around me. I also need to workout too.
The weekend brought pleasant surprises in the form of communication–between Bubbles and I and a short meaningful response from Saint. I am trying hard not to read too much into how often we communicate and the things that are said, shared, and exchanged during those conversations–but that is hard for me not to. I LOVE and am so GRATEFUL for our continued communication–especially Bubbles. She seems like the glue that is holding us together so far. I want to express this love and gratitude but I don’t want to sway her actions or feelings in a way that could be seen as manipulative. Lately, she’s used terms of endearment, shown concern, expressed that she misses me, and has sent emojis, videos, and pictures. I know with her (at least I feel) that we are in a stage of rebuilding, reconnecting, toe-ing the line of rebuilding trust. I miss them both terribly. The open communication, the access, the encouragement, the laughter, the sharing, the connection, their scents, how they feel against me, everything. But I must be patient. Though the ball is in their court, I must not try and force their hands. I am determined still, but I am reminding myself to stay mindful of the ever-changing tides, anything can happen and I must be open for that, and prepare myself to continue walking regardless of the outcomes.
Oftentimes I also check-in with myself. How do I feel about what’s going on? Am I saying what I truly want and need to say? Am I being honest with myself, with them? How do I feel in the moment? Did I process and allow myself time to absorb the information and feelings conveyed in the messages? Does this require a response; do I want to give a response? Am I still committed to this cause for the right reasons? Do I feel like I am wasting my time? And so on…so yeah, I’m doing the inner work while trying to navigate these uncertain waters that is the Trio relationship. However, I remain ever hopeful. My resolve is strong, my mustard seed tucked snugly in my palm, gripped tight.
Today makes 2 weeks since what will now be called The Rift, the day I spoke a truth that hurt the two people I love. How is it that it feels like everything happened just yesterday and simultaneously months into the past? Fear: If this time apart feels like months already for me–absence makes the heart grow fonder, could it be that time feels the same way for them, but in a different way–out of sight out of mind? Could this time and space/physical and emotional distance be having a negative impact on the fragile bonds I am working to repair and refortify? I want to stay relevant in their lives, remain an important part of it–a lover and partner. The last thing I want is for them to forget me, let go of what we have and ignore what we could become, to no longer love me romantically. But I know I am not in control of that. All I can control are my thoughts, actions, and reactions. And I can acknowledge my feelings: I love them and miss them and want them back. This time apart makes me nervous and brings a slight bit of fear, but my courage and determination and the things I feel in my heart and soul are so much greater. I have faith still, in us and our reunion and restoration of our Trio. So, I am still ten-toes down, and sure of what I am doing. I just have to release my need to control this situation and us, and to allow things to happen organically. The process of rebuilding may be long, but it’s worth the trek. Most importantly I must remain diligent and have patience.
This weekend I also did some inner work and started using my Tarot deck. Tarot is something else! I know I have to dedicate time to learning, and practicing. It’s always intrigued me, but there’s some sort of pull happening here. Perhaps it’s my constant need for knowledge and yearning to understand that is pulling me towards Tarot. Though I’m not sure why I’m drawn to it, I’m not going to fight against the pull.
I have a few more entries to write, so I’ll just end this one here…I wonder what this week has in store for me.
2 Weeks Notice 