Not Lost, but Found

Today I was guided by my intuition. I took a journey into the outside and found myself wondering trekking through nature. Dragonflies and butterflies surrounded me in whimsy, new beginnings, beauty, and rebirth. The sun kissed my skin, warmed my soul and spoke to my heart.

Cloaked me in magnificence and love, bringing out the melanin from within. I sparkled in those rays, continuing my journey. Amongst the foliage and earth I wandered, deeper into my own consciousness. Not lost, but exploring; in awe of the beauty I’d long since neglected and forgotten. Aimless but determined to seek until I discovered what my soul was in search of. My feet continued to move me forward, through the trees and brush, high grass and sunflowers. Engulfed in the inviting majesty of the land, I smiled wide and laughed from my core.

So many steps, so much lush green earth pulling me deeper and further into. Eagerly I walked, surrendering to all that is—within and without. Along the bayou I stood tall, stretched my arms above and hugged my sol. It beckoned me to move, dance, revel in this glory. And so I did.

I spun and leaped, wined my hips to the jazz playing in my ears. Somehow we all became one—the sun, the music, and me. We stomped our feet and swayed, sashayed, wiggled, and arabesqued. The tandem freeing of my spirit—warmth and release, excited bliss, divinity and femininity—flowing into and through me. I danced and watched myself blossom. From within to the out. It grew and expanded and became me again and again. Liberating me from the absence from myself. We wept, we sang loudly, proclaimed into the universe that we are here and we are powerful.

I experienced euphoria. Created by my surrender. Powerful. Strong. Sexy. Happy. Free. Supreme. Love.

As my steps led me back to the world I knew, the dragonflies butterflies, and insects bowed and danced, showering me with affection and welcome—reminding me of where I belong.

The wind tip-toed through the grass and the leaves on the trees, rippling and waving—not goodbye, but farewell. My shadow drifted behind me, stretching back towards our utopia. I would miss it, too.

Wild woman with a free heart, free spirit with a wild heart. No longer lost. Found again. Within. I have returned home.

Can you feel it?

The anticipation building

This fire growing.

It’s more than lust, more than desire.

Hunger for your all, deep in my core.

Your words a trail of kisses from neck to shoulder

You affirm the space you hold in my world.

My mended heart constricts slightly

Afraid you’ll turn into a faded shadow.

Steady voice and stare, you soothe the rising panic.

You’re here. And you will be.

This thing we’ve got…

An expanding warm glow, enveloping me slowly and surely

Continuous exchange of energy and affection

Beyond what I had expected and imagined.

I am here, with you, too.

Daily Journal Reflection

I am transitioning. And it hurts like hell. I’m so frequently in a battle with myself mentally and spiritually. How did I end up here? When did I become discontent with the “way life is supposed to be”? Yet, I’m currently forced to go back into the fold, back to mundane existing, sun up sun down routine. It sucks, y’know? Having found (at least gotten a glimpse of) my purpose and the life that I desire to create for myself…but them knowing I can’t make it happen, and there’s no date in sight of when I’ll be able to live as I wish. I can set my own date. But finances aren’t guaranteed (as my present situation is evidence of). It’s only been a few days and already I’m feeling like a failure, which I know is unreasonable. I gave myself 2 weeks to get back on my feet, and so far things seem abysmal. I’m trying to stay positive though, hopefully I’ll at least get this substitute position in a school district close by or something else to supplement my income.

Painting has also bee neglected lately. I am sooooo behind on things. But I am changing how I talk to myself in regards to my art. I am so mean, cold, disrespectful to myself whenever I think about art and the things I haven’t created. It’s extremely hard for me to create when I am in a depression. My thoughts are on how to get myself out of this state of feeling helpless and hopeless, while still suffering from those same feelings. It’s a struggle. But I’m trying. I need to just sit in front of the painting with all my equipment, brushes, ready. Maybe then I’ll get the urge to paint. I do miss it. I get in my zone when I paint.

I’m not sure why, but I’ve been silencing myself. I’ve known that I needed to journal, even if out of frustration, but I keep putting it off. I’m not sure why. But that stops now. I’ve got to do this for me. For mu sanity, for my clarity. It helps, getting it out. I feel lighter sometimes. That can’t continue though. It’s a must that I keep at it, stay on this path of healing, enlightenment and growth. Admittedly it is HARD. But I know the rewards of seeing this through will be more than worth this struggle. I gotta work harder than my demons, every day. And on the days that seem too heavy, I know I have to make the next day better–and I will.

I need to start #TheLoveMeChallenge again to get back on track.

Night Reflections

Good things have been happening amidst the scary bits. I’ve been persevering. For that I am proud. Initially this post started off as an “I miss them” thing–which I will eventually get to–but I feel a bit different now that I’ve written the first few sentences. See, the thing is, I do miss them, but I know what happened had to happen in order for me to be this person typing this today, She amazes me, I learn more about her daily, and I love every moment of it. I’m so proud to be her and so happy she is what I grew into. She’s not perfect, but she is always improving and learning and elevating. And, though I miss them, I’m happy our situation ended the way it did, because it brought about this new me that I never thought I would be.

Bubbles and Saint, they cross my mind daily still. I wonder why my thoughts are the way they are; am I overwriting the feelings, or just trying to stop them altogether? Little things that I see or experience throughout the day are what cause memories of them to come back. I can’t get this song out of my head…No One Like You by Robert Glasper and Alex Isley…out of my head. I am not sure if this feeling is general fear or a justified concern because I won’t. The feeling being the reiterated chorus line “I’ve been searchin’ for a long time, and I can’t find, no one like you”. It amazes me how my brain compares people in my life. I always compare interactions I have with potential paramours with my past interactions with the two of them. And I often feel like the melodic raw lyrics to this song. It’s getting better though. The pain/pang in my stomach I would feel at the thought of them hasn’t come for a couple months I believe. But what’s even more dope is just the other day I felt a bit of warmth in the same space where the pain usually is. That was such a great and unexpected feeling. So not only do I no longer feel guilt or a terrible longing, but I felt a small connection to someones else. A promising feeling, indeed. Whether it be with this new couple or not, I know that whoever is meant for me is coming soon.

What I need and what I want has changed a bit. And experiences with them post-breakup have also shaped those things. Some of the recent dark moments in my life have made me aware of things I require going forward from friends and lovers. I am not sure if Bubbles and Saint fit those things any more–whether they still desired to try again or not. And for that I am learning to be grateful for too. I just have to get them out of my head and heart–which for me is unfortunately usually a long time. It’s been months. I should be completely over them by now. Yet, here I am with muddled memories wanting what I had with people who couldn’t care less about me, let alone show it in any way if they did. And that is a requirement. Show me, prove to me out loud, show me off. No more hiding anything or anyone. I need to live out loud as myself and not be afraid or ashamed. So say they did, in some alternate reality, want to get back together. It would be a rocky road for me because I don’t like when people withhold their feelings and affection for me. And that would be what they would have done this time…and well. Anyway…

I want anyone I truly see a future with to know me entirely. And that’s where I’m starting now. I’m taking everyone’s actions at face value instead of living in some assumed reality made of mostly false and contorted ideations. I wonder if anyone who knows me ever reads this. I wonder if either of them actually read this, I highly highly doubt it though, lol. I feel comfortable enough knowing that they probably forgot all about this the week I first told them about it.

Outside of that, things in my life are strange. The dark period was really bad this time. But, things are better now. Getting better daily, slowly. Slowly. I am whole though, just badly wounded emotionally and healing myself. So much mourning, so many tears, so many real conversations with myself about my behavior and attitude and outlook. It’s hard being tough on yourself, but growth is painful. But I am resilient. I am working on myself daily. I am not perfect, but I am always working to become a better version of myself in some way.

I appreciate all of the revelations and epiphanies I’ve had since our breakup in May. So many new things learned and so many priceless experiences. I am grateful for it all. The good, the bad, and the dark.

Ciao.

TLMC Day…?

I’ve been busy lately—I like it. My productivity levels have been high and I’ve been bursting with creativity and inspiration. Even when seemingly negative moments come, they feel like just that—moments. Fleeting and informative. I find myself learning in those times where I’m frustrated, feeling somewhat defeated, sad and worrisome. Learning how to sift through the haze of my heightened emotions to get to the root of what’s causing the spiral. I’m super proud that I’ve been handling stressful situations in a rational way. I allow myself to feel and express whichever emotion is plaguing me, but I talk myself through those feelings, understand what brought them on, see how they’re connected to my fear and how they overall negatively impact my day and my goals. It’s almost like therapizing myself, lol. Anyway, I’ve found something that’s been working for me. And I plan to keep at it.

My journal prompt for the day is…

Success and Happiness. Those are things I am working at believing I deserve wholeheartedly and without shame or guilt. It’s not easy for me to believe those things about myself because I’ve always viewed myself as a sum total of my faults/negative traits, and then to a lesser degree my accomplishments and positive attributes. I’ve changed how I view myself and my life, though. The “perfected” image of who I should be have been unreasonably placed in the forefront and back of my mind, with that nagging voice full of disdain and insecurity chriping constantly. It’s caused me much stress throughout the years and has driven me into too many depressions to count. However, that is the past now.

I don’t really know if I can pinpoint exactly when this metamorphosis began, or when I reached the level I’m at today, but I can confidently say that I am not the person I used to be. I find myself growing and learning more about myself daily—as I should. When I see old pictures of me I get a strange sense of surreal remembrance. I vaguely remember the situations and events that led to the picture, but I do not recognize myself. Not only have my physical appearance changed a lot, but also so have my spirit and personality. One look in my eyes and I know whether or not I was truly happy or faking it (most of the time I was faking it). I find myself smiling even when looking into the eyes of a younger but repressed and depressed version of myself. Smile because I am no longer that woman. I am no longer that lost and confused and hopeless. The me in the mirror today wants to hug the old me and thank her for all of her tears, all the nights she prayed and kept that time mustard seed of hope buried in her palm. I want to kiss the dried trails of tears and hug all her pain away. Show her that this is who we become. This woman I am now is what we have to look forward to. And she is bold, brave, fierce, proud, confident, determined, and kind to herself. This version of us came as a surprise, but it was the best kind. One that brought hidden gems, lots of laughs, and even more unexpected wonderful things.

The me I am now believes that she deserves to be happy in all areas of her life, but she knows that it must start with making herself happy and the spirit that keeps her going. She knows she deserves success and also knows she’s capable of attracting and achieving every goal she sets her sights on. She trusts her intuition and believes in herself. She knows that everything that is hers is on it’s way. And she will continue to believe, know, and do those things.

Ciao for now.

TLMC – Day 2

Today is Day 2 of #TheLoveMeChallenge (hopefully coined by me lol, maybe I need to make this a real “thing” for other people hmmm)…yesterday was a great day. I’m a bit tired, but overall it was a great day. Not only did I start my day off by breaking a wonderful sweat beneath a beautiful morning sunrise, I also did most everything I charged myself with doing. I developed some new art promos, to generate more business and an addition stream of income, I cooked and cleaned my kitchen, and I was intentional with my thoughts and how I spent my time. For me, that’s a super productive day.

I’m working on rewriting the negative thoughts that arise in my head–often times I think myself into a bad mood or out of doing anything productive. Often times I find myself thinking “I should be doing more, Beyonce has the same 24 hours today”. It sucks that I always seem to tell myself that what I do is never enough, because it is. What I do in my life is enough for me, I have only my own standards to reach and exceed. Beyonce has millions of dollars and people on payroll who take care of her more mundane, and sometime important, tasks. I just have me and my working-girl bank account. So there is truly no reason to compare us–or compare myself and anyone else for that matter. I am living my own life, with the people and opportunities that were sent here just for me. I am making the best of my life, as it is, with what I have and what I know. Each day, I strive to learn and love myself a little more. My journey is my own, not Beyonce’s.

I use her as an example because she inspires me with her work ethic and how she expresses her visions and creative ideas. I admire her confidence and ability to declare who she is, on her own terms, to everyone. I aspire to be as bold as she appears to be, and loving as she is to herself, and as fierce as she is when she steps out her door–even in sweats, no makeup, and messy hair.

The above prompt is the main focus for this journal entry today. I like this one because it hits home in all the best ways, lol.

A limiting belief I have about my abilities is “regardless of how talented and amazing I am, I’ll never be good enough to be successful”. Truthfully, I NEED to rid myself of this. It hinders me sooooo much. It enforces all the things that keep me trapped in this bubble of fear, that make me feel inferior and unsuccessful. But I am here now, and I know these things to be true:

1. I am extremely talented in many ways.
2. I have the support of many of my closest friends, peers, and colleagues.
3. I AM an amazing person and artist.
4. My creative ideas and aspirations are unique and desirable.
5. What I create is impactful and far more superior than I realize.
6. My stories, my experiences, resonate with those of other people.
7. I am successful, and will always be, so long as I continue to create, be brave, know who I am, and allow that light within me to shine.
8. I am much more powerful and persuasive than I realize.
9. I am more than good enough. I am greatness, love, radiance, strength, power, beauty, grace, bliss, and creativity.
10. My passions and creativity and talents have been mine since birth. I will express them as loudly and as often as my soul desires. I am art.

These weren’t initially supposed to be affirmations, but I am so glad that they turned out to me. I need to print these and hang them–rather write them down and hang them around my home, so I can read them daily, know them in my heart of hearts, and believe them with all I am. I’m getting there. Today is already shaping up to be a great day. I woke up and wrote. When was the last time I did that?! I like it, it feels good to get my brain going so early, but also to do it for myself, not a job. And these positive words/works are framing the hours of the day to come. I’m looking forward to Loving Me today.

Ciao, for now.

❤ Elle.

The Love Me Challenge

I am challenging myself to Love Me. I live on myself more than I have in the past, but there are still some parts that need to be held and adorned—I need to make it a daily practice.

My confidence is not where I’d like it to be, and my faith is a bit shaken. I’ve been feeling this coming on for a while now, and today was kind of a wake up call for me—I need to isolate myself. I truly need to break this habit of self sabotage, self abuse, and neglect that I have been in since my teenage years. I’ve strayed so far from where I was and where I was heading, and I’m not okay with that. I need serious grounding, emotional reset, and spiritual recharge in order to get my life back on track. Something has to change, and it’s within me.

So, I’ve decided to take a hiatus from the world (mostly) and unplug (from society)—in other words, I am fasting from things that I feel are unhealthy for me and are hindering my growth, while turning my attentions inward.

I intend to use this time to ground myself spiritually, find the joy in just existing, get in tune with my intuition, and love myself unconditionally.

Here are the guidelines I will follow for the next 30 Days…

1. D A I L Y:

• Journal — Online or in Notebook
• Mediate 15+ Mins
• Spend Time Outdoors
• Read (a physical book)

2. S E L F – L O V E:

Mon.–Weds.–Fri.:

• Art Stuff (create, work on brand, etc.)
• Workout

Tues.–Thurs.:

• Creative Writing
• Self Improvement: Spiritual/Mental/Emotional Work

3. E L I M I N A T E:

• Social Media
• Negative Thinking
• Television/Movies (unless with friends)
• Poor Eating Habits
• Dating
• Sex* (one exception: Lil Yea vacay)
• Frivolous Spending

4. C U T B A C K:

• Vice Indulgence
• Counter-productive/Negative Convos
• Fast Food/Junk
• Over Extending Self to Others

5. G O A L S:

• Improve mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health
• Gain confidence
• Save Money
• Gain clarity on my purpose
• To Create
• Declutter mentally/emotionally and Unblock spiritually

So here’s to a productive and love-filled 30 days!

Ciao, for now.

– Elle 💋

Daily Reflection – June 10, 2020

The purpose of these daily reflections is the better learn Tarot and to get better acquainted with how to read and decipher them. In the morning I’ll be posting “Today’s Card” from the Shadowscapes Tarot App, along with it’s general meaning from Biddy Tarot. Later in the day I’ll cycle back to this post and analyze my day with the purpose of seeing how the card related to my daily experience. The highlighted words in the card description are the ones that resonate with where I am today.

JUNE 10, 2020 – 4 of Wands (Upright)

Four Of Wands Keywords

UPRIGHT: Celebration, joy, harmony, relaxation, homecoming

REVERSED: Personal celebration, inner harmony, conflict with others, transition.

Four Of Wands Description

The Four of Wands shows two happy people dancing and celebrating with flowers in their hands. In the foreground, a beautiful wreath abounding with blossoms and grapes suspends between wands. Together, these elements represent the joy and satisfaction that comes with achieving an important goal or milestone. In the background, another group of people (perhaps a family) stand in front of a large castle, representing the safety and comfort of the home.

NOTE: The Tarot card meaning description is based on the Rider Waite cards.

Upright Four Of Wands

The Four of Wands is a card of joyful celebration, blissful happiness and appreciation for the good things in life. When this card appears in a Tarot reading, it is the perfect time to celebrate with those you love most. You may commemorate a significant event or milestone such as a wedding, birthday, homecoming or reunion. Or, you may invite a few of your favourite friends over for an intimate dinner for no particular reason except to revel in each other’s company. Relax and let your hair down – enjoy this special time together!

The Four of Wands can show that you are returning home or to the people and places familiar to you. You feel supported and secure, knowing you are with those who love you and care about you.

Because the Four of Wands associates so closely with the home environment, you may work on improving or renovating your house or are close to finding a new one. Perhaps you recently purchased a home and are getting ready to settle down in your new habitat.

The Four of Wands tells you that after a period of rapid growth and expansion (the energy of the Three of Wands), it’s now time to pause and celebrate what you have achieved so far. Step back for a moment and enjoy the fruits of your labour. Acknowledge your hard work and give yourself permission to take a small break before embarking on the next phase of your journey. It’s essential you observe these smaller milestones.

In numerology, four symbolises stability and firm foundations, and with the Four of Wands, you are now enjoying a period of happiness and security. This card indicates a sense of harmony and balance as well as completion and thus denotes a time of peace and contentment in life that comes as the result of hard-fought efforts.

If you have been working on a project, you will reach an important milestone and have reason to celebrate. If you just wrapped up your project, the Four of Wands represents the personal gratification of a job well done, a goal attained, and a vision beginning to be realised. You should be proud!

___________________________________________________________________

7:49 pm

Today has been a good day. I finally finished How I Met Your Mother for the umpteenth time, and as usual I was emotional as the episodes wound down. Ted Mosby will always be a character I resonate with. A true romantic at heart, Ted has an unwavering belief in and determination to find love–it inspires me. The entire series revolves around his quest to find love that lasts and lasts, and the majority of it is a roller-coaster-ride of heartbreak and disappointment–with hundreds of laughs to ease the pain. But through it all, Ted remains hopeful, open, and only gets down a handful of times. He gets back on that horse again and again and again; knowing his love was out there somewhere looking for him too. And when he finds her, it’s magnificent.

At times I feel as though I am Ted. Constantly finding the wrong ones, except I don’t even get as close as he had–year long relationships, an engagement. But, I know I may be too vulnerable to bounce back continually from those intense relationships. Silver lining. Anyway, my card today is the 4 of Wands–celebration, relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor. I actually am in a state on calm, kind of on the precipice of something new. I know it’s coming, I just don’t know what it is or when. So I should take time to acknowledge my progress so far–I handled this most recent breakup very well. It took lots of isolation, tears, wailing, hard conversations with myself, prayers, rituals, meditation, reading, much introspection, and love–lots and lots of love for myself–but I am okay. I love so hard and deeply, I was so ready to throw away all the progress I had made over the past few years in regards to myself and dating, self esteem, opening my heart. But, I didn’t. I fought for myself. I may have been wrong to believe that the love I shared with Saint and Bubbles could withstand most anything, I wasn’t wrong in knowing that there is someone out there for me, who will love me just as much and as hard as I love them. They’re on the way to me. I just have to be patient, and keep growing in the meantime.

So, reluctantly (at first), I began dating again–but this time with intention. I want to be in a relationship, period. Now, the pandemic isn’t entirely over, so by dating I am referencing using Tinder lol. So far it’s been okay. I’m challenging myself to stay true to being open to love. I can’t achieve my goal of finding a lasting love if I am not open to receiving anyone. We’ll see what this leads to.

Throughout this “dating with intent” stage I’m still dedicating my time to myself and my personal growth and progress. So self-love and self-care is still the priority. I just ordered this workout plan and some equipment because it’s time to tone this jiggle and build this booty. My “before” pics will be take sometime this weekend. I’m still delving into spiritual practices and connecting with myself. At the moment I am in a stasis romantically, contentedly so. I want to be proud of myself for a bit before I dive into something new. Though I feel it coming, I am still remembering to cheer for myself, pat myself on the back, and reminding myself of my goals and how far I’ve come.

I am really glad I got the 4 of Wands today, because during times like this I usually do something stupid or slip back into a negative state of mind. Perhaps its because I am so used to constantly running and moving and chaos that I don’t know how to appreciate period of peace in which I am not required to do anything but be grateful and enjoy my success. Me 5 years ago, 3 years ago, a year and half ago, is so different than the woman I am today. And I am PROUD of that growth. I was stuck in that state of depression and negative self esteem and low self-value for all my adult life. I’m great at hiding what’s going on inside at times, so most people don’t know that about me. But I feel so unstoppable now. I have a strength I didn’t know I was capable of having. What I love most about this transformation is that it’s come full circle. I no longer force myself to hate the people who’ve hurt me. I don’t utilize damaging habits to numb the pain. I don’t ignore how I feel and lock the memories away. Instead, I open myself up more, allow all of the pain and heartache and sadness and anger to fill me up and flow through me. I feel it all. I cry and scream, I journal and express myself, I dance through the house and sing loudly, I sit in silence and meditate, I heal. I love myself through to the other side. Face myself and my mistakes, but instead of beating myself while I am down, I lift myself up and hug me tighter than I ever have before. I tell myself it will be okay, we have new love coming. I forgive myself, and restore my self esteem. I make myself laugh and I dance until I feel like I’m floating.

So this is a new me, I’ve evolved into a new version of myself. I’m another step closer to actualizing the girl who lives in my head. And for that, I am oh so proud of myself! Thank you universe for reminding me to clap loudly for me. I’ve gone through so much hell in my life and realize I am the only one who knows the whole story–so I’ve got to cheer me on. I’ve got to have my own back, be my own ride or die. Who else is going to ride for me and love me if I don’t ride for and love myself? I want to love myself so fiercely that anything that isn’t aligned with love and light doesn’t even enter my orbit. And I’m getting there. I love myself. I am proud of myself. I believe I am beautiful. I am talented and capable. I believe I can accomplish the things that I put my mind and heart to. And Love, is what my heart and head want.

I’ve been repeating a line from Save the Last Dance 2 in my head a lot the past few days, “My dreams changed.” I’ve never truly understood what Columbus Short’s character meant up until now. The things you once loved so much and were center to your existence, can change. You can desire to achieve new goals, be passionate about something different–even if people don’t understand or approve. And I realized a few months ago that my dream has always been love and family. Yes I’ve had career goals and body goals, yes. But my life’s goal is to build a home of shared love and to exist in that world as the multifaceted person I am. I want to be a mom, I want to live and love with a partner (or plural). That’s been my dream forever. I just always felt like I was betraying the strong feminists of the world by succumbing to the patriarchal standard of what I should aspire to be. I guess, growing up with my mother–the strongest and most capable woman I know–I never thought of myself as incapable when it came to my career or talents. She instilled in me that I could do anything (even though I was insecure as hell).

Daily Reflection – June 04, 2020

The purpose of these daily reflections is the better learn Tarot and to get better acquainted with how to read and decipher them. In the morning I’ll be posting “Today’s Card” from the Shadowscapes Tarot App, along with it’s general meaning from Biddy Tarot. Later in the day I’ll cycle back to this post and analyze my day with the purpose of seeing how the card related to my daily experience.

JUNE 04, 2020

Today’s Tarot Card is: Queen of Wands Reversed

Queen Of Wands Keywords

REVERSED: Self-respect, self-confidence, introverted, re-establish sense of self

Reversed Queen Of Wands

The Queen of Wands reversed shows you have reached a place of self-respect and confidence. You know yourself on a deep level, and you are clear on your personal truth and belief systems. You know what you stand for you and you are not easily moved by the opinions of others. You have also defined what success means to you, even if it differs from others’ definitions.

The Queen of Wands reversed can also suggest that you may be more introverted than usual. Instead of being the social butterfly and centre of attention, you prefer to linger on the sidelines and watch what is going on. That’s perfectly okay – honour your needs and feelings and don’t push yourself to be extroverted and ‘out there’ when you don’t want to be. You may also feel called to spend more time alone so you can connect with your inner self and hear your inner voice.

If you have lacked in confidence, the Queen of Wands reversed invites you to bring your energy and attention inward and focus on rebuilding your sense of self and your resilience. You may have handed your power over to others by paying too much attention to their thoughts and opinions. Now, you need to bring your awareness inward, so you can hear yourself and access your personal strengths and talents. Discover who you are and be courageous in expressing ‘you’ in everything you do, even if it is different from what others expect of you.

____________________________________________

9:36 AM

I’ve been listening to my Healing playlist on Apple Music and working, thinking about my vent session in Tea Time from earlier this morning. The Trio is no more, I was told that there was no point to holding onto romantic feelings for Saint by him. Bubbles went along with his decision. They are a couple now. I been contemplating, meditating / Should have waited / Should have never dated / Guess that’s none of my concern anymore / None of my concern / It ain’t even worth it no more / It ain’t even worth it (even worth it)

None of Your Concern by Jhene Aiko has been on repeat for a while. It’s crazy that this song of all songs on this playlist comes on and I feel it in my soul, released the welling emotions from my eyes. My knee is jumping presently. I wish I could say that I’m no longer affected after almost a week of the final nail being driven into the coffin of the Trio; but no. Many of the lyrics in NoYC fit so well to our situation for many reasons. I don’t even have the mental energy to break down how, but I’ll drop some lines of the songs throughout.

I haven’t heard from either Saint or Bubbles since last Friday after I had my final conversation with Saint–not that I expected to hear from them. But yesterday she reached out to me and said the basic “Hey, how are you? I’m good!” Type of conversation. Very short, pointless. Nothing major, no news about the one thing I asked to be contacted about. Nada. A HUGE part of me REALLY wants to text her and ask why she’s even contacting me…like really, why? The audacity to question me / Like you ain’t leave me out here on my own. How do you THINK I’m doing?! What type of question is that?! Am I supposed to just spill everything out of my purse onto the table?! I was traumatized and suicidal / Sick and tired / Once I felt a way but not today / I’m not afraid now I can say / It’s none of your concern anymore

The whole reason Bubbles and I were introduced was for us to build a bond for a relationship with Saint—which was scrapped when they made their final decision. Saint legit told me there was no reason for me to hold romantic feelings for him and she went along with his decision.

Great. Good for y’all. So now that Saint and I are strictly acquaintances and not romantically involved, why does Bubbles feel the need to contact me?! You said you can only offer me friendship, but what’s the basis of our friendship? Is it gonna consist of these baseless awkward exchanges? Are we gonna tip toe around Saint as if he doesn’t exist? Or are we gonna dive right in and pretend what we shared never happened? Am I supposed to give you advice about your relationship with him? Listen to you recount memories and jokes that I was forbidden for participating in? Is it you want us to be besties now and I’m supposed to pretend that I didn’t love you? Just act like my heart isn’t still bruised and that I don’t miss you both? Nah, son.

Or could you be concerned because I am alone in this? Truthfully, I don’t want or need your sympathy or pity. You made your decision. You posted pics of just y’all two and made comments that make it clear I am no longer in the picture. So why contact me? What do you want? I been hearing things / And seeing things / And so it seems you’re moving on from me

Do you want me to say that I go through periods during each day where suddenly I’m crying because I remember it all and I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and shoved back in…how I miss you guys to the point where I can’t listen to certain music, or watch certain shows? How I’ve deleted my social media apps from my phone because it’s too easy for me to scroll past something you posted or to find myself on your pages for no reason at all. Is that what you want to hear Bubbles? How I have been rebuilding this wall around my heart slowly, because a small part of me holds out hope for a love to come back to me that rejected me? Get your ***** *** off of my phone / Please leave me alone / I am not your girl anymore / Don’t worry about who it is I’m fucking / Or who I am loving / Just know that it is not you

No. I can’t and I won’t say those things. You made your choices. Cool. I know when I’m not wanted and made no plans to stick around, like a dumb-ass, after the conversation Saint and I had. It’s over. Period.

So what do you want Bubbles?! Why like my pics and ish on social media? Why are you texting me?! Y’all don’t like the way I behaved right? Don’t trust me and probably lost respect for me right? So why are you texting me? What do you want? Is communicating with me an ego boost? Is this what you wanted all along?

I don’t care that the conversations we have consist of avoidance communication like it’s “Hey, How are you?” Why do you care how I am? You made your choice already. No need to feel bad for me and check up on me. For what?! Like why twist the knife further? What are you searching for? There’s nothing happening in my life. That’s all you need to know. I’m not going to allow you to gaslight me with your words that feel the same as they did before ties were cut.

This isn’t up for discussion / I wish you good luck man / When it comes to you / It’s none of my concern anymore / None of my concern

I’m just trying to do my best to not think about our former relationship, not think about your current relationship as a couple, and get over y’all as quickly as I can.

I’m just trying to be a better me, for me.

I just want to move on. It was a great two and a half months. I wouldn’t change anything about what we experienced–it was beautiful and amazing. But I have to leave it there. I can’t hold onto this, hold onto hope for what isn’t gonna come. Old me would do that. Hold on until the rope cut through my hand. But me today, no that won’t do. I’m taking everything at face value, period, actions and words alike.

It’s none of my concern anymore
None of my concern
I know that I’m deserving of more
I know what I deserve
(Is it worth it?)
Not scared to be alone anymore
Not scared to be alone
(Is it gonna work?)
It don’t even hurt anymore
It don’t even hurt

_____________________________________

The next song on my Healing playlist shuffle is Going On by Knarls Barkley…fitting, no?

Next is Gotta Get Thru This by Daniel Bedingfield

Speak by Jhene Aiko

Let Go by Frou Frou

Fin.

Heartspeak Pt. 3

Good morning to anyone who may be reading this. This past Memorial weekend was good. There was much needed self-care, fellowship, laughter, and relaxation. I spent Sunday with my best friends–we cooked and ate and drank and danced the day into the late night. We were supposed to be in Atlanta celebrating our bestie and her first pregnancy at her baby shower, and also attend my first ever Carnival–however, this COVID-19 pandemic has caused a lot of things to go awry. So Sunday we danced to reggae and soca and drank too many mimosas. It was so cathartic and joyous. Great to release my mind from the constant worrying in regards to The Trio, and how I can do something, anything.

I’ve been digging deeper into my spirituality and giving myself the space to heal, feel, to express, to release. So many emotions, so many revelations. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and the commitment I’ve made to myself. What I am currently beginning to struggle with now is the “in-between” time (which is very telling and representative of who I’ve been before now–impatient, demanding, controlling). My experience with waiting and having patience has not been great. I’ve operated on instant gratification and wanting what I want NOW–if I don’t get it I bounce from one extreme emotion to the next. But the timeline of my life is not controlled by my impatience or the time I want things to happen. And so, I am learning to keep my hands and my mind busy (not too busy) during the times when I need to be hands off. Find a way to release this pent up energy in a positive way.

Writing and has helped. But I know I need to create something, MAKE something. I plan on going to my art studio later after work today and setting up my ceramic wheel. I need some hands-on time with something that I can mold and control to release this need I have to control the things around me. I also need to workout too.

The weekend brought pleasant surprises in the form of communication–between Bubbles and I and a short meaningful response from Saint. I am trying hard not to read too much into how often we communicate and the things that are said, shared, and exchanged during those conversations–but that is hard for me not to. I LOVE and am so GRATEFUL for our continued communication–especially Bubbles. She seems like the glue that is holding us together so far. I want to express this love and gratitude but I don’t want to sway her actions or feelings in a way that could be seen as manipulative. Lately, she’s used terms of endearment, shown concern, expressed that she misses me, and has sent emojis, videos, and pictures. I know with her (at least I feel) that we are in a stage of rebuilding, reconnecting, toe-ing the line of rebuilding trust. I miss them both terribly. The open communication, the access, the encouragement, the laughter, the sharing, the connection, their scents, how they feel against me, everything. But I must be patient. Though the ball is in their court, I must not try and force their hands. I am determined still, but I am reminding myself to stay mindful of the ever-changing tides, anything can happen and I must be open for that, and prepare myself to continue walking regardless of the outcomes.

Oftentimes I also check-in with myself. How do I feel about what’s going on? Am I saying what I truly want and need to say? Am I being honest with myself, with them? How do I feel in the moment? Did I process and allow myself time to absorb the information and feelings conveyed in the messages? Does this require a response; do I want to give a response? Am I still committed to this cause for the right reasons? Do I feel like I am wasting my time? And so on…so yeah, I’m doing the inner work while trying to navigate these uncertain waters that is the Trio relationship. However, I remain ever hopeful. My resolve is strong, my mustard seed tucked snugly in my palm, gripped tight.

Today makes 2 weeks since what will now be called The Rift, the day I spoke a truth that hurt the two people I love. How is it that it feels like everything happened just yesterday and simultaneously months into the past? Fear: If this time apart feels like months already for me–absence makes the heart grow fonder, could it be that time feels the same way for them, but in a different way–out of sight out of mind? Could this time and space/physical and emotional distance be having a negative impact on the fragile bonds I am working to repair and refortify? I want to stay relevant in their lives, remain an important part of it–a lover and partner. The last thing I want is for them to forget me, let go of what we have and ignore what we could become, to no longer love me romantically. But I know I am not in control of that. All I can control are my thoughts, actions, and reactions. And I can acknowledge my feelings: I love them and miss them and want them back. This time apart makes me nervous and brings a slight bit of fear, but my courage and determination and the things I feel in my heart and soul are so much greater. I have faith still, in us and our reunion and restoration of our Trio. So, I am still ten-toes down, and sure of what I am doing. I just have to release my need to control this situation and us, and to allow things to happen organically. The process of rebuilding may be long, but it’s worth the trek. Most importantly I must remain diligent and have patience.

This weekend I also did some inner work and started using my Tarot deck. Tarot is something else! I know I have to dedicate time to learning, and practicing. It’s always intrigued me, but there’s some sort of pull happening here. Perhaps it’s my constant need for knowledge and yearning to understand that is pulling me towards Tarot. Though I’m not sure why I’m drawn to it, I’m not going to fight against the pull.

I have a few more entries to write, so I’ll just end this one here…I wonder what this week has in store for me.