Heartspeak Pt. 2

I often start these entries with a negative statement such as “It’s been forever since I wrote anything”. I need to stop doing that. So, I’ll begin by saying this…

I’m glad I’m writing today, it’s been a mentally and emotionally challenging day. I revisited the Blessing Manifesting website because I knew I needed to get the day off my heart and shoulders. Why not see what the self-love journal prompt for Day 20 is?

“How can you give yourself a break today? (Mentally, physically, or emotionally.)

The past week, post Trio breakup, has been rough. Simply that, rough. Emotionally I’ve been a wreck, mentally I’m all over the place, physically I’ve been eating more than usual, but not so much that it’s becoming a problem. I’m heartbroken. The loves I had are mine no more. And it’s because of what I withheld. So I am at fault here, I broke my own heart. So many “what if” and “I wish” thoughts come to mind…but I can’t focus on a past I cannot change. I am grieving. My pain is mostly disappointment coupled with the ache of knowing I fractured the most beautiful and honest relationship I’ve ever had. And it was only physically in my grasp for a week and a half.

How do I give myself a break from the heart wrenching sadness I feel? How to I stop my mind from drifting to the good memories to the day everything shattered?

I don’t know honestly. All I want to do is sleep—I’m presently lying in bed as I type this on my phone. Sleep until I don’t feel this any more, until my day-to-day isn’t filled with memories of hurt etched on their faces. I want to sleep until I figure out a way to fix this—that which I cannot mend. Sleep until enough time has passed for the healing to have taken root.

I’ve been trying to watch TV, sleep, walk, pray, read, aimlessly scroll through social media—all in hopes of shutting off my brain. Saint and Bubbles are all I think about. It’s been a week since I left them. Time is dragging. I’m becoming panicked. I don’t want to be forgotten, left for good. Not again. I’ll never forget them. How can it be over before it truly began? I know they need space and time—but I feel like I’m drowning here.

I want my life to be somewhat normal again. But it hasn’t been normal for 2 months now. I don’t know what my new normal will be after this pandemic and after our relationship. I don’t want to go back to that place of bitterness and loneliness. I FINALLY opened my heart back up and gave it away. It took so long to recover from all of 2019. And as soon as I get to a point where I am ready to move forward, I knock myself back to square one.

Can life really be this cruel? I know I’m supposed to learn lessons and all, but damn. Does it always have to be like this? Do I have to keep crawling my way out of this hole of heartbreak and loneliness? How is it that most everyone but me can actually get into and maintain a relationship?

I don’t want to start over, I don’t want to date and meet new people. I don’t want to move on. I want them, us, our Trio. Nothing about saying goodbye to us feels right. And I don’t know how to put my feelings on pause and wait for them—but I have to. Wait to see if and when they forgive me, wait to see if they every want to give our trio another shot. Wait to see if their love for me is stronger than the pain I put them through.

I never want to be on the giving end of pain and heartache again—it hurts me regardless; possibly worse than what I felt when someone hurt me. I have so much remorse and guilt and regret. So many regrets in regard to my actions and lack there of. But I’m taking it day by day, hour by hour. Forgiving myself for my mistake.

I am not ready to give up on us, on The Trio. I never want to. I pray for our healing. And I pray I can have a chance to make it right, to atone for what I’ve done. I have to believe that deep down, beneath the pain, they can feel me. Feel my heart calling out to them, praying for their healing and restoration. For their trust to be rebuilt.

We are still connected. I want and need us to stay connected. Love can carry us through this. I just pray they still want that once time has passed. I have faith that this is not truly the end for us.

One week down. 2 more to go, to know for sure. Then 3.5 weeks until…I am terrified to even say it. So afraid I’ll jinx it. I’m hoping by then, praying with all I have in me, that 5.5 weeks from now we can speak about my transgression, and hopefully about what the future holds in regards to us. But I need to do more than pray. I need to believe it. I need to claim it, and release it to the universe.

I can’t measure their pain in time, nor can I Rush their healing and forgiveness. I’m willing to wait and postpone all previously made plans until whenever they are ready.

I just wish I knew how to fight for us while keeping my distance. I miss them so much it hurts. I want to hear their voices, their laughter—yet I can’t bring myself to watch any of our videos, the pain is too sharp.

So again, how do I give myself a break?! I really wish I knew. Writing helps me release some of what is building inside. Tiring myself out physically helps, too, but it’s not enough. I’m not sure anything will be. But I’m trying.

This isolation is not good for me right now. It’s like I’m trapped in my head. But what can I do? COVID is still a very real public health concern. I can’t risk my life and it’s not as if I have anywhere to go anyway.

I’m not motivated to paint anything. But I’ll try something tomorrow. Today has been super stressful just trying to maintain my mental on top of dealing with Sprint and their b.s. I am irritated and stressed and frustrated and lonely and angry and sad and disappointed and I MISS THEM.

I suppress the urge to text and call them and tell them about my day, what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. I want to ask them how their days have been, how they feel, what they did, what they ate and laughed at, I want to know everything. I don’t want to push them even further away or anger them. Sometimes I just want them to know I’m thinking about them. I want to say I love you. I want to reach out in some way without it having a negative affect on them or whatever further we have. But I can’t predict that. The only thing I can do is give them space. Part of why I even publish these revealing entries is so that if by chance they remember what this site is, they’ll read it. I say so much more on this blog about what goes on inside of my head and heart, than I say in real life. My words never come out right.

I still have hope. I still have faith. They are being tested right now, but I am still going strong. My mustard seed is gripped tightly in my fist.

I ask for strength and patience to make it through this. I intend to grow and learn and make progress within myself during this time. And this whole process of venting is helping.

Though I doubt anyone actually reads what I write here, thanks for taking the time out to read this. Hopefully you get something out of these stories, poems, hopes, and fears. May my journey inspire your own.

Ciao, for now.

Heartspeak Pt. 1

I’ve put myself in a position that forces me to have faith. I have no choice but to be all in and believe with my whole heart, my child-heart, that true love is worth saving and that it is strong enough to get us through anything.

I revealed my greatest secret and shame to the other 2/3rds of the Trio. I should have been honest and upfront from day one, but secret shame, fear of rejection, judgement and losing them, and bad timing kept me silent, even in the times when it was most important for me to be honest.

I truly fucked up. Badly.

There is no excuse for what I did. I made a bad decision and the consequence is that I hurt the people who I developed a most rare love for. However, I am not a bad person, and I am still worthy of their love. Even though I broke our trust bond. I do take responsibility for causing the rift, the break, in our relationship and bond.

I miss them terribly. I pray for them and their healing daily. It has only been two days. It feels like weeks—that’s how our whole relationship has been. Feeling longer than it is. It’s what caused our bond to grow as deeply as it did. But I am fighting for us still. I know it, I feel it in my core, that this, The Trio, we are right. It pains me to be so distant but I have to give them space. To process, to grieve, to heal, to forgive. And I will be here, ever present spiritually. Sending them love and light. Bearing my heart and soul in any way I can. Urging them to me.

I must make myself believe in the magic of love again, with all of my being. Or I will lose them forever. I cannot do that. They are as much a part of me as I am them. This was no chance accident, no coincidence. It was fated and divined. So I must fight for it. Fight for love in a way I’ve not done before. I am pushing through and past all my fears and anxiety. Releasing every thought that goes against what I know to be true in my heart. They will return, we will reunite, restore, and rebuild—on solid ground, brick by brick, together.

I believe it with everything I am. And I will work and fight in all ways to earn their forgiveness, trust, and love again.

This is not the end, rather a devastating event on a long road full of promise, adventure, and the purest love. I will be patient and diligent. I will be waiting and working. For us to come back to one another.

Know that I love you both. And I believe we can handle and get through anything together. Please know I apologize from the pit of my heart. This is not the end. Our love is so rare. I am here, ten toes down. Fight with me, please.

Poem: Today I Bathed in the Rain

Today I bathed in the rain

Stood still beneath sporadic droplets as they collided with my skin

Cleansing tears of the earth washed away my shame and sin.

Today I smiled wide

Vibrated with new life as old life returned home

Coated my insecurity and doubt with purifying beads of hope.

I bathed in The Rain—life force of my ancestry

Shivered as cascading tears released all that is not of me

Cathartic laughter tickling my vocal chords amid the thunderous downpour intensity

It revealed life surrounding and love rooted deep within me.

Come dance with us, sing with us, wild and free

I hesitate—mind unsure, spirit steady.

I reach my hands above me, palms open wide

Head thrown back in joy, I smile into the sky.

Greeting and thanking those who came before me.

Thank them for their return, their sacrifice, their love—honoring them with my heart and spirit and body.

Essence of their souls send chills down my spine with each falling bead

I feel our connection, I am grateful and humbled that you came when I need.

All that I am, is because of all they lived and fought for

In my heart, you are here with me—dancing and healing, restored.

I emerged renewed and rebuilt, forever changed

Today I bathed my soul, in the rain.

POEM: I Know A Man

NaPoWriMo 2016
Day 4; Poem 1

I know a Man.
From ear to ear his name graces my lips as a smile.
Ambition unmatched, he is determined to earn that which is already in his posession.
My heart,
Now his.
His perception is uncanny
Always in my head, speaking my thoughts aloud
As though they were his own.
I know a Man
Who courts my insecurities,
Wooing them past gates of confinement,
Guiding them to Queenly confidence.
I know a Man
Whose words elicit a dozen emotions at once.
Thrusting me into the depths of excitement and anxiety while providing the greatest comfort I’ve ever known.
I know a Man,
Who knows my secrets and my flaws
Yet he loves me all the more.
His desire is to know my soul,
Protect my heart,
And align them with his.
I know a Man
Who wants to know all of Me.
My wants and needs
My passions and pain
So that he can give me everything I’ve lost and not yet found,
And show me who I am through his eyes.

POEM: I Am Here With You

I know it’s difficult
That this is not the way you wanted it to be
To happen
But I’m here with you.
Walking beside you
Exploring this new territory
With no bounds or map
I am here.
I want this.
Take my hand, come along.
Can’t you feel it?
Drawing us together,
And forward
The pull of what lies ahead
The promise of something amazing.
Ignore the pressure
To be what they want.
Open to their scrutiny
Assumptions, expectations
False representations
Of what we could be.
No, we should be
Just as we are
As we want and would be.
Our path is our own
We set the pace
The destinations and pit-stops
Pause and go as we please.
So please, take my hand
Come with me
So much lies ahead of us
I’m here
With you.