Daily Reflection – June 04, 2020

The purpose of these daily reflections is the better learn Tarot and to get better acquainted with how to read and decipher them. In the morning I’ll be posting “Today’s Card” from the Shadowscapes Tarot App, along with it’s general meaning from Biddy Tarot. Later in the day I’ll cycle back to this post and analyze my day with the purpose of seeing how the card related to my daily experience.

JUNE 04, 2020

Today’s Tarot Card is: Queen of Wands Reversed

Queen Of Wands Keywords

REVERSED: Self-respect, self-confidence, introverted, re-establish sense of self

Reversed Queen Of Wands

The Queen of Wands reversed shows you have reached a place of self-respect and confidence. You know yourself on a deep level, and you are clear on your personal truth and belief systems. You know what you stand for you and you are not easily moved by the opinions of others. You have also defined what success means to you, even if it differs from others’ definitions.

The Queen of Wands reversed can also suggest that you may be more introverted than usual. Instead of being the social butterfly and centre of attention, you prefer to linger on the sidelines and watch what is going on. That’s perfectly okay – honour your needs and feelings and don’t push yourself to be extroverted and ‘out there’ when you don’t want to be. You may also feel called to spend more time alone so you can connect with your inner self and hear your inner voice.

If you have lacked in confidence, the Queen of Wands reversed invites you to bring your energy and attention inward and focus on rebuilding your sense of self and your resilience. You may have handed your power over to others by paying too much attention to their thoughts and opinions. Now, you need to bring your awareness inward, so you can hear yourself and access your personal strengths and talents. Discover who you are and be courageous in expressing ‘you’ in everything you do, even if it is different from what others expect of you.

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9:36 AM

I’ve been listening to my Healing playlist on Apple Music and working, thinking about my vent session in Tea Time from earlier this morning. The Trio is no more, I was told that there was no point to holding onto romantic feelings for Saint by him. Bubbles went along with his decision. They are a couple now. I been contemplating, meditating / Should have waited / Should have never dated / Guess that’s none of my concern anymore / None of my concern / It ain’t even worth it no more / It ain’t even worth it (even worth it)

None of Your Concern by Jhene Aiko has been on repeat for a while. It’s crazy that this song of all songs on this playlist comes on and I feel it in my soul, released the welling emotions from my eyes. My knee is jumping presently. I wish I could say that I’m no longer affected after almost a week of the final nail being driven into the coffin of the Trio; but no. Many of the lyrics in NoYC fit so well to our situation for many reasons. I don’t even have the mental energy to break down how, but I’ll drop some lines of the songs throughout.

I haven’t heard from either Saint or Bubbles since last Friday after I had my final conversation with Saint–not that I expected to hear from them. But yesterday she reached out to me and said the basic “Hey, how are you? I’m good!” Type of conversation. Very short, pointless. Nothing major, no news about the one thing I asked to be contacted about. Nada. A HUGE part of me REALLY wants to text her and ask why she’s even contacting me…like really, why? The audacity to question me / Like you ain’t leave me out here on my own. How do you THINK I’m doing?! What type of question is that?! Am I supposed to just spill everything out of my purse onto the table?! I was traumatized and suicidal / Sick and tired / Once I felt a way but not today / I’m not afraid now I can say / It’s none of your concern anymore

The whole reason Bubbles and I were introduced was for us to build a bond for a relationship with Saint—which was scrapped when they made their final decision. Saint legit told me there was no reason for me to hold romantic feelings for him and she went along with his decision.

Great. Good for y’all. So now that Saint and I are strictly acquaintances and not romantically involved, why does Bubbles feel the need to contact me?! You said you can only offer me friendship, but what’s the basis of our friendship? Is it gonna consist of these baseless awkward exchanges? Are we gonna tip toe around Saint as if he doesn’t exist? Or are we gonna dive right in and pretend what we shared never happened? Am I supposed to give you advice about your relationship with him? Listen to you recount memories and jokes that I was forbidden for participating in? Is it you want us to be besties now and I’m supposed to pretend that I didn’t love you? Just act like my heart isn’t still bruised and that I don’t miss you both? Nah, son.

Or could you be concerned because I am alone in this? Truthfully, I don’t want or need your sympathy or pity. You made your decision. You posted pics of just y’all two and made comments that make it clear I am no longer in the picture. So why contact me? What do you want? I been hearing things / And seeing things / And so it seems you’re moving on from me

Do you want me to say that I go through periods during each day where suddenly I’m crying because I remember it all and I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and shoved back in…how I miss you guys to the point where I can’t listen to certain music, or watch certain shows? How I’ve deleted my social media apps from my phone because it’s too easy for me to scroll past something you posted or to find myself on your pages for no reason at all. Is that what you want to hear Bubbles? How I have been rebuilding this wall around my heart slowly, because a small part of me holds out hope for a love to come back to me that rejected me? Get your ***** *** off of my phone / Please leave me alone / I am not your girl anymore / Don’t worry about who it is I’m fucking / Or who I am loving / Just know that it is not you

No. I can’t and I won’t say those things. You made your choices. Cool. I know when I’m not wanted and made no plans to stick around, like a dumb-ass, after the conversation Saint and I had. It’s over. Period.

So what do you want Bubbles?! Why like my pics and ish on social media? Why are you texting me?! Y’all don’t like the way I behaved right? Don’t trust me and probably lost respect for me right? So why are you texting me? What do you want? Is communicating with me an ego boost? Is this what you wanted all along?

I don’t care that the conversations we have consist of avoidance communication like it’s “Hey, How are you?” Why do you care how I am? You made your choice already. No need to feel bad for me and check up on me. For what?! Like why twist the knife further? What are you searching for? There’s nothing happening in my life. That’s all you need to know. I’m not going to allow you to gaslight me with your words that feel the same as they did before ties were cut.

This isn’t up for discussion / I wish you good luck man / When it comes to you / It’s none of my concern anymore / None of my concern

I’m just trying to do my best to not think about our former relationship, not think about your current relationship as a couple, and get over y’all as quickly as I can.

I’m just trying to be a better me, for me.

I just want to move on. It was a great two and a half months. I wouldn’t change anything about what we experienced–it was beautiful and amazing. But I have to leave it there. I can’t hold onto this, hold onto hope for what isn’t gonna come. Old me would do that. Hold on until the rope cut through my hand. But me today, no that won’t do. I’m taking everything at face value, period, actions and words alike.

It’s none of my concern anymore
None of my concern
I know that I’m deserving of more
I know what I deserve
(Is it worth it?)
Not scared to be alone anymore
Not scared to be alone
(Is it gonna work?)
It don’t even hurt anymore
It don’t even hurt

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The next song on my Healing playlist shuffle is Going On by Knarls Barkley…fitting, no?

Next is Gotta Get Thru This by Daniel Bedingfield

Speak by Jhene Aiko

Let Go by Frou Frou

Fin.

Heartspeak Pt. 3

Good morning to anyone who may be reading this. This past Memorial weekend was good. There was much needed self-care, fellowship, laughter, and relaxation. I spent Sunday with my best friends–we cooked and ate and drank and danced the day into the late night. We were supposed to be in Atlanta celebrating our bestie and her first pregnancy at her baby shower, and also attend my first ever Carnival–however, this COVID-19 pandemic has caused a lot of things to go awry. So Sunday we danced to reggae and soca and drank too many mimosas. It was so cathartic and joyous. Great to release my mind from the constant worrying in regards to The Trio, and how I can do something, anything.

I’ve been digging deeper into my spirituality and giving myself the space to heal, feel, to express, to release. So many emotions, so many revelations. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and the commitment I’ve made to myself. What I am currently beginning to struggle with now is the “in-between” time (which is very telling and representative of who I’ve been before now–impatient, demanding, controlling). My experience with waiting and having patience has not been great. I’ve operated on instant gratification and wanting what I want NOW–if I don’t get it I bounce from one extreme emotion to the next. But the timeline of my life is not controlled by my impatience or the time I want things to happen. And so, I am learning to keep my hands and my mind busy (not too busy) during the times when I need to be hands off. Find a way to release this pent up energy in a positive way.

Writing and has helped. But I know I need to create something, MAKE something. I plan on going to my art studio later after work today and setting up my ceramic wheel. I need some hands-on time with something that I can mold and control to release this need I have to control the things around me. I also need to workout too.

The weekend brought pleasant surprises in the form of communication–between Bubbles and I and a short meaningful response from Saint. I am trying hard not to read too much into how often we communicate and the things that are said, shared, and exchanged during those conversations–but that is hard for me not to. I LOVE and am so GRATEFUL for our continued communication–especially Bubbles. She seems like the glue that is holding us together so far. I want to express this love and gratitude but I don’t want to sway her actions or feelings in a way that could be seen as manipulative. Lately, she’s used terms of endearment, shown concern, expressed that she misses me, and has sent emojis, videos, and pictures. I know with her (at least I feel) that we are in a stage of rebuilding, reconnecting, toe-ing the line of rebuilding trust. I miss them both terribly. The open communication, the access, the encouragement, the laughter, the sharing, the connection, their scents, how they feel against me, everything. But I must be patient. Though the ball is in their court, I must not try and force their hands. I am determined still, but I am reminding myself to stay mindful of the ever-changing tides, anything can happen and I must be open for that, and prepare myself to continue walking regardless of the outcomes.

Oftentimes I also check-in with myself. How do I feel about what’s going on? Am I saying what I truly want and need to say? Am I being honest with myself, with them? How do I feel in the moment? Did I process and allow myself time to absorb the information and feelings conveyed in the messages? Does this require a response; do I want to give a response? Am I still committed to this cause for the right reasons? Do I feel like I am wasting my time? And so on…so yeah, I’m doing the inner work while trying to navigate these uncertain waters that is the Trio relationship. However, I remain ever hopeful. My resolve is strong, my mustard seed tucked snugly in my palm, gripped tight.

Today makes 2 weeks since what will now be called The Rift, the day I spoke a truth that hurt the two people I love. How is it that it feels like everything happened just yesterday and simultaneously months into the past? Fear: If this time apart feels like months already for me–absence makes the heart grow fonder, could it be that time feels the same way for them, but in a different way–out of sight out of mind? Could this time and space/physical and emotional distance be having a negative impact on the fragile bonds I am working to repair and refortify? I want to stay relevant in their lives, remain an important part of it–a lover and partner. The last thing I want is for them to forget me, let go of what we have and ignore what we could become, to no longer love me romantically. But I know I am not in control of that. All I can control are my thoughts, actions, and reactions. And I can acknowledge my feelings: I love them and miss them and want them back. This time apart makes me nervous and brings a slight bit of fear, but my courage and determination and the things I feel in my heart and soul are so much greater. I have faith still, in us and our reunion and restoration of our Trio. So, I am still ten-toes down, and sure of what I am doing. I just have to release my need to control this situation and us, and to allow things to happen organically. The process of rebuilding may be long, but it’s worth the trek. Most importantly I must remain diligent and have patience.

This weekend I also did some inner work and started using my Tarot deck. Tarot is something else! I know I have to dedicate time to learning, and practicing. It’s always intrigued me, but there’s some sort of pull happening here. Perhaps it’s my constant need for knowledge and yearning to understand that is pulling me towards Tarot. Though I’m not sure why I’m drawn to it, I’m not going to fight against the pull.

I have a few more entries to write, so I’ll just end this one here…I wonder what this week has in store for me.

Late Night/Early Morning Reflection

I was tired. This week had taken a lot more out of me than I realized. The days felt like weeks and my soul was drained. So, I went to bed early…and now, I’m awake. The flickering candlelight, my nightly companion, greets me with a wave. The stirring silence of night surrounds me, and my thoughts begin their warm ups and stretches.

The after…

Trying to find a balance among conflicting desires…I want to yes, but no. Not now, maybe later. Should I…perhaps not? Too much too soon, or not enough? Seesawing back and forth, praying I stay standing. No matter which way I lean, my heart catches in my chest. I am trying to not be afraid of falling.

I am urged to jump off by familiar voices echoing in the darkness. Stop the to and fro teetering. How can I just stop, isn’t that giving up? I don’t want to give up, or quit. I try to slow down, smooth the rocking tilt, but it’s beyond too late. My feet are slipping and I am afraid I will have have to jump off. The uncertainty weighs heavy on my chest, making it hard to breathe.

The infinite possibilities of the days ahead (or is it weeks, months?) taunt me. Dare I hope? How can I not? Stepping out of my selfishness, my heart still says yes, with a shaky voice—there goes that fear again. I am learning to submit to that which I can not control or foresee. To accept whatever may come—a foreign freedom.

Trying to open my eyes to the silver lining, and keep my thoughts centered on now. But Then is on repeat whenever I close my eyes. It’s all a haze but clear as day. I question my reality, none of this feels real. Yet and still, I am grounded by the jagged truth of it all.

I stand here scars bared, wounds reopened; the blood on my hands is not just my own. I jump down, feet to ground, the earth trembles. Immediately I contemplate the aftershock to come.

A year from now, I wonder if I’ll remember the details of what inspired this post. The years seem to be flying by, leaving only a handful of memories behind. So few experiences burned into the loop of my memory, this one for sure will not be forgotten.

Heartspeak Pt. 1

I’ve put myself in a position that forces me to have faith. I have no choice but to be all in and believe with my whole heart, my child-heart, that true love is worth saving and that it is strong enough to get us through anything.

I revealed my greatest secret and shame to the other 2/3rds of the Trio. I should have been honest and upfront from day one, but secret shame, fear of rejection, judgement and losing them, and bad timing kept me silent, even in the times when it was most important for me to be honest.

I truly fucked up. Badly.

There is no excuse for what I did. I made a bad decision and the consequence is that I hurt the people who I developed a most rare love for. However, I am not a bad person, and I am still worthy of their love. Even though I broke our trust bond. I do take responsibility for causing the rift, the break, in our relationship and bond.

I miss them terribly. I pray for them and their healing daily. It has only been two days. It feels like weeks—that’s how our whole relationship has been. Feeling longer than it is. It’s what caused our bond to grow as deeply as it did. But I am fighting for us still. I know it, I feel it in my core, that this, The Trio, we are right. It pains me to be so distant but I have to give them space. To process, to grieve, to heal, to forgive. And I will be here, ever present spiritually. Sending them love and light. Bearing my heart and soul in any way I can. Urging them to me.

I must make myself believe in the magic of love again, with all of my being. Or I will lose them forever. I cannot do that. They are as much a part of me as I am them. This was no chance accident, no coincidence. It was fated and divined. So I must fight for it. Fight for love in a way I’ve not done before. I am pushing through and past all my fears and anxiety. Releasing every thought that goes against what I know to be true in my heart. They will return, we will reunite, restore, and rebuild—on solid ground, brick by brick, together.

I believe it with everything I am. And I will work and fight in all ways to earn their forgiveness, trust, and love again.

This is not the end, rather a devastating event on a long road full of promise, adventure, and the purest love. I will be patient and diligent. I will be waiting and working. For us to come back to one another.

Know that I love you both. And I believe we can handle and get through anything together. Please know I apologize from the pit of my heart. This is not the end. Our love is so rare. I am here, ten toes down. Fight with me, please.

NaPoWriMo 2020 – Day 4

“Monday”

Your scent wafts into my nose as if you’d just left the bed,

Covering me with the warmth of familiarity.

Your pillow clutched in my arms, damp from tears I shed,

Can’t cope with your absence, not even subconsciously.

Earth and spice, and something inherently you,

Inhale deep—so alluring and unique, it calls to me.

If I hold my breath, close my eyes, deja vu,

I’m carried into, hazy remnants, visions of you next to me.

Hibernating beneath blankets and sheets, I’m sheltered.

In here the smell of you alters my reality.

Strong arms protect, legs entwined, kisses ground , I’m centered.

In here, you are still mine and yesterday becomes eternity.