I am challenging myself to Love Me. I live on myself more than I have in the past, but there are still some parts that need to be held and adorned—I need to make it a daily practice.
My confidence is not where I’d like it to be, and my faith is a bit shaken. I’ve been feeling this coming on for a while now, and today was kind of a wake up call for me—I need to isolate myself. I truly need to break this habit of self sabotage, self abuse, and neglect that I have been in since my teenage years. I’ve strayed so far from where I was and where I was heading, and I’m not okay with that. I need serious grounding, emotional reset, and spiritual recharge in order to get my life back on track. Something has to change, and it’s within me.
So, I’ve decided to take a hiatus from the world (mostly) and unplug (from society)—in other words, I am fasting from things that I feel are unhealthy for me and are hindering my growth, while turning my attentions inward.
I intend to use this time to ground myself spiritually, find the joy in just existing, get in tune with my intuition, and love myself unconditionally.
Here are the guidelines I will follow for the next 30 Days…
1. D A I L Y:
Journal — Online or in Notebook
Mediate 15+ Mins
Spend Time Outdoors
Read (a physical book)
2. S E L F – L O V E:
Mon.–Weds.–Fri.:
Art Stuff (create, work on brand, etc.)
Workout
Tues.–Thurs.:
Creative Writing
Self Improvement: Spiritual/Mental/Emotional Work
3. E L I M I N A T E:
Social Media
Negative Thinking
Television/Movies (unless with friends)
Poor Eating Habits
Dating
Sex* (one exception: Lil Yea vacay)
Frivolous Spending
4. C U T B A C K:
Vice Indulgence
Counter-productive/Negative Convos
Fast Food/Junk
Over Extending Self to Others
5. G O A L S:
Improve mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health
Gain confidence
Save Money
Gain clarity on my purpose
To Create
Declutter mentally/emotionally and Unblock spiritually
So here’s to a productive and love-filled 30 days!
I often start these entries with a negative statement such as “It’s been forever since I wrote anything”. I need to stop doing that. So, I’ll begin by saying this…
I’m glad I’m writing today, it’s been a mentally and emotionally challenging day. I revisited the Blessing Manifesting website because I knew I needed to get the day off my heart and shoulders. Why not see what the self-love journal prompt for Day 20 is?
“How can you give yourself a break today? (Mentally, physically, or emotionally.)
The past week, post Trio breakup, has been rough. Simply that, rough. Emotionally I’ve been a wreck, mentally I’m all over the place, physically I’ve been eating more than usual, but not so much that it’s becoming a problem. I’m heartbroken. The loves I had are mine no more. And it’s because of what I withheld. So I am at fault here, I broke my own heart. So many “what if” and “I wish” thoughts come to mind…but I can’t focus on a past I cannot change. I am grieving. My pain is mostly disappointment coupled with the ache of knowing I fractured the most beautiful and honest relationship I’ve ever had. And it was only physically in my grasp for a week and a half.
How do I give myself a break from the heart wrenching sadness I feel? How to I stop my mind from drifting to the good memories to the day everything shattered?
I don’t know honestly. All I want to do is sleep—I’m presently lying in bed as I type this on my phone. Sleep until I don’t feel this any more, until my day-to-day isn’t filled with memories of hurt etched on their faces. I want to sleep until I figure out a way to fix this—that which I cannot mend. Sleep until enough time has passed for the healing to have taken root.
I’ve been trying to watch TV, sleep, walk, pray, read, aimlessly scroll through social media—all in hopes of shutting off my brain. Saint and Bubbles are all I think about. It’s been a week since I left them. Time is dragging. I’m becoming panicked. I don’t want to be forgotten, left for good. Not again. I’ll never forget them. How can it be over before it truly began? I know they need space and time—but I feel like I’m drowning here.
I want my life to be somewhat normal again. But it hasn’t been normal for 2 months now. I don’t know what my new normal will be after this pandemic and after our relationship. I don’t want to go back to that place of bitterness and loneliness. I FINALLY opened my heart back up and gave it away. It took so long to recover from all of 2019. And as soon as I get to a point where I am ready to move forward, I knock myself back to square one.
Can life really be this cruel? I know I’m supposed to learn lessons and all, but damn. Does it always have to be like this? Do I have to keep crawling my way out of this hole of heartbreak and loneliness? How is it that most everyone but me can actually get into and maintain a relationship?
I don’t want to start over, I don’t want to date and meet new people. I don’t want to move on. I want them, us, our Trio. Nothing about saying goodbye to us feels right. And I don’t know how to put my feelings on pause and wait for them—but I have to. Wait to see if and when they forgive me, wait to see if they every want to give our trio another shot. Wait to see if their love for me is stronger than the pain I put them through.
I never want to be on the giving end of pain and heartache again—it hurts me regardless; possibly worse than what I felt when someone hurt me. I have so much remorse and guilt and regret. So many regrets in regard to my actions and lack there of. But I’m taking it day by day, hour by hour. Forgiving myself for my mistake.
I am not ready to give up on us, on The Trio. I never want to. I pray for our healing. And I pray I can have a chance to make it right, to atone for what I’ve done. I have to believe that deep down, beneath the pain, they can feel me. Feel my heart calling out to them, praying for their healing and restoration. For their trust to be rebuilt.
We are still connected. I want and need us to stay connected. Love can carry us through this. I just pray they still want that once time has passed. I have faith that this is not truly the end for us.
One week down. 2 more to go, to know for sure. Then 3.5 weeks until…I am terrified to even say it. So afraid I’ll jinx it. I’m hoping by then, praying with all I have in me, that 5.5 weeks from now we can speak about my transgression, and hopefully about what the future holds in regards to us. But I need to do more than pray. I need to believe it. I need to claim it, and release it to the universe.
I can’t measure their pain in time, nor can I Rush their healing and forgiveness. I’m willing to wait and postpone all previously made plans until whenever they are ready.
I just wish I knew how to fight for us while keeping my distance. I miss them so much it hurts. I want to hear their voices, their laughter—yet I can’t bring myself to watch any of our videos, the pain is too sharp.
So again, how do I give myself a break?! I really wish I knew. Writing helps me release some of what is building inside. Tiring myself out physically helps, too, but it’s not enough. I’m not sure anything will be. But I’m trying.
This isolation is not good for me right now. It’s like I’m trapped in my head. But what can I do? COVID is still a very real public health concern. I can’t risk my life and it’s not as if I have anywhere to go anyway.
I’m not motivated to paint anything. But I’ll try something tomorrow. Today has been super stressful just trying to maintain my mental on top of dealing with Sprint and their b.s. I am irritated and stressed and frustrated and lonely and angry and sad and disappointed and I MISS THEM.
I suppress the urge to text and call them and tell them about my day, what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. I want to ask them how their days have been, how they feel, what they did, what they ate and laughed at, I want to know everything. I don’t want to push them even further away or anger them. Sometimes I just want them to know I’m thinking about them. I want to say I love you. I want to reach out in some way without it having a negative affect on them or whatever further we have. But I can’t predict that. The only thing I can do is give them space. Part of why I even publish these revealing entries is so that if by chance they remember what this site is, they’ll read it. I say so much more on this blog about what goes on inside of my head and heart, than I say in real life. My words never come out right.
I still have hope. I still have faith. They are being tested right now, but I am still going strong. My mustard seed is gripped tightly in my fist.
I ask for strength and patience to make it through this. I intend to grow and learn and make progress within myself during this time. And this whole process of venting is helping.
Though I doubt anyone actually reads what I write here, thanks for taking the time out to read this. Hopefully you get something out of these stories, poems, hopes, and fears. May my journey inspire your own.
I was tired. This week had taken a lot more out of me than I realized. The days felt like weeks and my soul was drained. So, I went to bed early…and now, I’m awake. The flickering candlelight, my nightly companion, greets me with a wave. The stirring silence of night surrounds me, and my thoughts begin their warm ups and stretches.
The after…
Trying to find a balance among conflicting desires…I want to yes, but no. Not now, maybe later. Should I…perhaps not? Too much too soon, or not enough? Seesawing back and forth, praying I stay standing. No matter which way I lean, my heart catches in my chest. I am trying to not be afraid of falling.
I am urged to jump off by familiar voices echoing in the darkness. Stop the to and fro teetering. How can I just stop, isn’t that giving up? I don’t want to give up, or quit. I try to slow down, smooth the rocking tilt, but it’s beyond too late. My feet are slipping and I am afraid I will have have to jump off. The uncertainty weighs heavy on my chest, making it hard to breathe.
The infinite possibilities of the days ahead (or is it weeks, months?) taunt me. Dare I hope? How can I not? Stepping out of my selfishness, my heart still says yes, with a shaky voice—there goes that fear again. I am learning to submit to that which I can not control or foresee. To accept whatever may come—a foreign freedom.
Trying to open my eyes to the silver lining, and keep my thoughts centered on now. But Then is on repeat whenever I close my eyes. It’s all a haze but clear as day. I question my reality, none of this feels real. Yet and still, I am grounded by the jagged truth of it all.
I stand here scars bared, wounds reopened; the blood on my hands is not just my own. I jump down, feet to ground, the earth trembles. Immediately I contemplate the aftershock to come.
A year from now, I wonder if I’ll remember the details of what inspired this post. The years seem to be flying by, leaving only a handful of memories behind. So few experiences burned into the loop of my memory, this one for sure will not be forgotten.
I’ve put myself in a position that forces me to have faith. I have no choice but to be all in and believe with my whole heart, my child-heart, that true love is worth saving and that it is strong enough to get us through anything.
I revealed my greatest secret and shame to the other 2/3rds of the Trio. I should have been honest and upfront from day one, but secret shame, fear of rejection, judgement and losing them, and bad timing kept me silent, even in the times when it was most important for me to be honest.
I truly fucked up. Badly.
There is no excuse for what I did. I made a bad decision and the consequence is that I hurt the people who I developed a most rare love for. However, I am not a bad person, and I am still worthy of their love. Even though I broke our trust bond. I do take responsibility for causing the rift, the break, in our relationship and bond.
I miss them terribly. I pray for them and their healing daily. It has only been two days. It feels like weeks—that’s how our whole relationship has been. Feeling longer than it is. It’s what caused our bond to grow as deeply as it did. But I am fighting for us still. I know it, I feel it in my core, that this, The Trio, we are right. It pains me to be so distant but I have to give them space. To process, to grieve, to heal, to forgive. And I will be here, ever present spiritually. Sending them love and light. Bearing my heart and soul in any way I can. Urging them to me.
I must make myself believe in the magic of love again, with all of my being. Or I will lose them forever. I cannot do that. They are as much a part of me as I am them. This was no chance accident, no coincidence. It was fated and divined. So I must fight for it. Fight for love in a way I’ve not done before. I am pushing through and past all my fears and anxiety. Releasing every thought that goes against what I know to be true in my heart. They will return, we will reunite, restore, and rebuild—on solid ground, brick by brick, together.
I believe it with everything I am. And I will work and fight in all ways to earn their forgiveness, trust, and love again.
This is not the end, rather a devastating event on a long road full of promise, adventure, and the purest love. I will be patient and diligent. I will be waiting and working. For us to come back to one another.
Know that I love you both. And I believe we can handle and get through anything together. Please know I apologize from the pit of my heart. This is not the end. Our love is so rare. I am here, ten toes down. Fight with me, please.
I miss you. Your laugh, so clear and hearty—it still echoes in my ears. Your scent a whisper in my memory—if I inhale deep enough I can still taste the mild sweetness of the essence. Warm earth combined with an intoxicating masculine aroma that I am drawn to. I hug my pillow close, taking in the residual wafts.
I miss your voice. How can I describe a melody I know by how my heart smiles when I hear it? Gentle rasp, warm chocolate, thick honey, and certainty. Words tumble and flip out your mouth so rapidly it’s hard to keep up. Or maybe it’s because I hang onto every syllable. Replaying how you create sounds and harmonies so beautiful.
These remnants of you caress me inside and out, memories fluttering behind my eyelids. I allow myself this, this moment of vulnerability and acceptance. I miss you. Fully and wholly. The familiar ache of loss hovers just beyond the edge of remembrance. I embrace the ache, waiting knowingly for the inevitable jolt back to reality.
Be not afraid, it’ll get better. You know comfort in your own embrace.
Slow your erratic beating, it will get better. We know this ache, familiar it is. The seared edges of the emptiness, contracting so.
Shhh my darling, no time for tears. It won’t last always. You know what’s on the horizon, no matter the bleak of yesterday. Find your mustard seed my dear, grasp it tightly. Stand firm on your truth and know it.
I’m contemplating writing a few short entries about different people I know, different periods in my life, that have affected me in so many ways…I wonder how this is gonna go.
I really don’t know where to begin though, or who to start with. Should I go from past to present, present to past, or be completely random in order?
Sometimes you wake up
And realize that you have been
Lost.
Stuck rooted somewhere
Wandering aimlessly
Blissfully unaware
All the while
Knowing
That something
Isn’t right.
Yet still you continue to roam
Never going anywhere
Nor leaving from some place
Just meandering
With no purpose
No mission
No vision
No goal.
But then almost like magic
You stop.
The world is still
And you grow uncomfortable
And realization begins to seep in
And the fog clears almost instantly.
Then suddenly you know
You do not belong here.
You start to realize
That time has been wasted
That you were not
Living, merely alive.
Fear and panic set in.
And you have questions
So many questions
For God, for the universe
For everyone who let you get lost.
That fear turns to anger
Confusion
Resentment
Hopelessness.
You have really been lost.
Existing in a life that
Wasn’t meant for you to live.
You know that you must go back
Get back on track
Find your real self.
But you are afraid.
Afraid of losing yourself again
Of becoming lost and never finding
Your way out
Your way back to
Who you really are
And should be.
So you stand unmoving
Painfully aware
That you are lost.
But now you are too afraid
To find yourself.
And you know that by standing still
Choosing fear over fate
That you will remain lost.
It is that fear
That unwillingness to move
That traps you
Keeps you stuck
Lost.
You are not happy
But you are afraid to
Find what brings you joy
To go where you belong.
Knowing this
Accepting all of this as truth
Hurts more than knowing you were lost
Because now you must face
Your weaknesses
Your pain
Your fear
Your shame.
With fear in your heart
And shame on your back
You uproot yourself
And you know that this
Is only the beginning.
These are only the first steps
On the path to finding
Peace and purpose
To finding you.
2 Weeks Notice 