Daily Reflection – June 04, 2020

The purpose of these daily reflections is the better learn Tarot and to get better acquainted with how to read and decipher them. In the morning I’ll be posting “Today’s Card” from the Shadowscapes Tarot App, along with it’s general meaning from Biddy Tarot. Later in the day I’ll cycle back to this post and analyze my day with the purpose of seeing how the card related to my daily experience.

JUNE 04, 2020

Today’s Tarot Card is: Queen of Wands Reversed

Queen Of Wands Keywords

REVERSED: Self-respect, self-confidence, introverted, re-establish sense of self

Reversed Queen Of Wands

The Queen of Wands reversed shows you have reached a place of self-respect and confidence. You know yourself on a deep level, and you are clear on your personal truth and belief systems. You know what you stand for you and you are not easily moved by the opinions of others. You have also defined what success means to you, even if it differs from others’ definitions.

The Queen of Wands reversed can also suggest that you may be more introverted than usual. Instead of being the social butterfly and centre of attention, you prefer to linger on the sidelines and watch what is going on. That’s perfectly okay – honour your needs and feelings and don’t push yourself to be extroverted and ‘out there’ when you don’t want to be. You may also feel called to spend more time alone so you can connect with your inner self and hear your inner voice.

If you have lacked in confidence, the Queen of Wands reversed invites you to bring your energy and attention inward and focus on rebuilding your sense of self and your resilience. You may have handed your power over to others by paying too much attention to their thoughts and opinions. Now, you need to bring your awareness inward, so you can hear yourself and access your personal strengths and talents. Discover who you are and be courageous in expressing ‘you’ in everything you do, even if it is different from what others expect of you.

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9:36 AM

I’ve been listening to my Healing playlist on Apple Music and working, thinking about my vent session in Tea Time from earlier this morning. The Trio is no more, I was told that there was no point to holding onto romantic feelings for Saint by him. Bubbles went along with his decision. They are a couple now. I been contemplating, meditating / Should have waited / Should have never dated / Guess that’s none of my concern anymore / None of my concern / It ain’t even worth it no more / It ain’t even worth it (even worth it)

None of Your Concern by Jhene Aiko has been on repeat for a while. It’s crazy that this song of all songs on this playlist comes on and I feel it in my soul, released the welling emotions from my eyes. My knee is jumping presently. I wish I could say that I’m no longer affected after almost a week of the final nail being driven into the coffin of the Trio; but no. Many of the lyrics in NoYC fit so well to our situation for many reasons. I don’t even have the mental energy to break down how, but I’ll drop some lines of the songs throughout.

I haven’t heard from either Saint or Bubbles since last Friday after I had my final conversation with Saint–not that I expected to hear from them. But yesterday she reached out to me and said the basic “Hey, how are you? I’m good!” Type of conversation. Very short, pointless. Nothing major, no news about the one thing I asked to be contacted about. Nada. A HUGE part of me REALLY wants to text her and ask why she’s even contacting me…like really, why? The audacity to question me / Like you ain’t leave me out here on my own. How do you THINK I’m doing?! What type of question is that?! Am I supposed to just spill everything out of my purse onto the table?! I was traumatized and suicidal / Sick and tired / Once I felt a way but not today / I’m not afraid now I can say / It’s none of your concern anymore

The whole reason Bubbles and I were introduced was for us to build a bond for a relationship with Saint—which was scrapped when they made their final decision. Saint legit told me there was no reason for me to hold romantic feelings for him and she went along with his decision.

Great. Good for y’all. So now that Saint and I are strictly acquaintances and not romantically involved, why does Bubbles feel the need to contact me?! You said you can only offer me friendship, but what’s the basis of our friendship? Is it gonna consist of these baseless awkward exchanges? Are we gonna tip toe around Saint as if he doesn’t exist? Or are we gonna dive right in and pretend what we shared never happened? Am I supposed to give you advice about your relationship with him? Listen to you recount memories and jokes that I was forbidden for participating in? Is it you want us to be besties now and I’m supposed to pretend that I didn’t love you? Just act like my heart isn’t still bruised and that I don’t miss you both? Nah, son.

Or could you be concerned because I am alone in this? Truthfully, I don’t want or need your sympathy or pity. You made your decision. You posted pics of just y’all two and made comments that make it clear I am no longer in the picture. So why contact me? What do you want? I been hearing things / And seeing things / And so it seems you’re moving on from me

Do you want me to say that I go through periods during each day where suddenly I’m crying because I remember it all and I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and shoved back in…how I miss you guys to the point where I can’t listen to certain music, or watch certain shows? How I’ve deleted my social media apps from my phone because it’s too easy for me to scroll past something you posted or to find myself on your pages for no reason at all. Is that what you want to hear Bubbles? How I have been rebuilding this wall around my heart slowly, because a small part of me holds out hope for a love to come back to me that rejected me? Get your ***** *** off of my phone / Please leave me alone / I am not your girl anymore / Don’t worry about who it is I’m fucking / Or who I am loving / Just know that it is not you

No. I can’t and I won’t say those things. You made your choices. Cool. I know when I’m not wanted and made no plans to stick around, like a dumb-ass, after the conversation Saint and I had. It’s over. Period.

So what do you want Bubbles?! Why like my pics and ish on social media? Why are you texting me?! Y’all don’t like the way I behaved right? Don’t trust me and probably lost respect for me right? So why are you texting me? What do you want? Is communicating with me an ego boost? Is this what you wanted all along?

I don’t care that the conversations we have consist of avoidance communication like it’s “Hey, How are you?” Why do you care how I am? You made your choice already. No need to feel bad for me and check up on me. For what?! Like why twist the knife further? What are you searching for? There’s nothing happening in my life. That’s all you need to know. I’m not going to allow you to gaslight me with your words that feel the same as they did before ties were cut.

This isn’t up for discussion / I wish you good luck man / When it comes to you / It’s none of my concern anymore / None of my concern

I’m just trying to do my best to not think about our former relationship, not think about your current relationship as a couple, and get over y’all as quickly as I can.

I’m just trying to be a better me, for me.

I just want to move on. It was a great two and a half months. I wouldn’t change anything about what we experienced–it was beautiful and amazing. But I have to leave it there. I can’t hold onto this, hold onto hope for what isn’t gonna come. Old me would do that. Hold on until the rope cut through my hand. But me today, no that won’t do. I’m taking everything at face value, period, actions and words alike.

It’s none of my concern anymore
None of my concern
I know that I’m deserving of more
I know what I deserve
(Is it worth it?)
Not scared to be alone anymore
Not scared to be alone
(Is it gonna work?)
It don’t even hurt anymore
It don’t even hurt

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The next song on my Healing playlist shuffle is Going On by Knarls Barkley…fitting, no?

Next is Gotta Get Thru This by Daniel Bedingfield

Speak by Jhene Aiko

Let Go by Frou Frou

Fin.

Heartspeak Pt. 2

I often start these entries with a negative statement such as “It’s been forever since I wrote anything”. I need to stop doing that. So, I’ll begin by saying this…

I’m glad I’m writing today, it’s been a mentally and emotionally challenging day. I revisited the Blessing Manifesting website because I knew I needed to get the day off my heart and shoulders. Why not see what the self-love journal prompt for Day 20 is?

“How can you give yourself a break today? (Mentally, physically, or emotionally.)

The past week, post Trio breakup, has been rough. Simply that, rough. Emotionally I’ve been a wreck, mentally I’m all over the place, physically I’ve been eating more than usual, but not so much that it’s becoming a problem. I’m heartbroken. The loves I had are mine no more. And it’s because of what I withheld. So I am at fault here, I broke my own heart. So many “what if” and “I wish” thoughts come to mind…but I can’t focus on a past I cannot change. I am grieving. My pain is mostly disappointment coupled with the ache of knowing I fractured the most beautiful and honest relationship I’ve ever had. And it was only physically in my grasp for a week and a half.

How do I give myself a break from the heart wrenching sadness I feel? How to I stop my mind from drifting to the good memories to the day everything shattered?

I don’t know honestly. All I want to do is sleep—I’m presently lying in bed as I type this on my phone. Sleep until I don’t feel this any more, until my day-to-day isn’t filled with memories of hurt etched on their faces. I want to sleep until I figure out a way to fix this—that which I cannot mend. Sleep until enough time has passed for the healing to have taken root.

I’ve been trying to watch TV, sleep, walk, pray, read, aimlessly scroll through social media—all in hopes of shutting off my brain. Saint and Bubbles are all I think about. It’s been a week since I left them. Time is dragging. I’m becoming panicked. I don’t want to be forgotten, left for good. Not again. I’ll never forget them. How can it be over before it truly began? I know they need space and time—but I feel like I’m drowning here.

I want my life to be somewhat normal again. But it hasn’t been normal for 2 months now. I don’t know what my new normal will be after this pandemic and after our relationship. I don’t want to go back to that place of bitterness and loneliness. I FINALLY opened my heart back up and gave it away. It took so long to recover from all of 2019. And as soon as I get to a point where I am ready to move forward, I knock myself back to square one.

Can life really be this cruel? I know I’m supposed to learn lessons and all, but damn. Does it always have to be like this? Do I have to keep crawling my way out of this hole of heartbreak and loneliness? How is it that most everyone but me can actually get into and maintain a relationship?

I don’t want to start over, I don’t want to date and meet new people. I don’t want to move on. I want them, us, our Trio. Nothing about saying goodbye to us feels right. And I don’t know how to put my feelings on pause and wait for them—but I have to. Wait to see if and when they forgive me, wait to see if they every want to give our trio another shot. Wait to see if their love for me is stronger than the pain I put them through.

I never want to be on the giving end of pain and heartache again—it hurts me regardless; possibly worse than what I felt when someone hurt me. I have so much remorse and guilt and regret. So many regrets in regard to my actions and lack there of. But I’m taking it day by day, hour by hour. Forgiving myself for my mistake.

I am not ready to give up on us, on The Trio. I never want to. I pray for our healing. And I pray I can have a chance to make it right, to atone for what I’ve done. I have to believe that deep down, beneath the pain, they can feel me. Feel my heart calling out to them, praying for their healing and restoration. For their trust to be rebuilt.

We are still connected. I want and need us to stay connected. Love can carry us through this. I just pray they still want that once time has passed. I have faith that this is not truly the end for us.

One week down. 2 more to go, to know for sure. Then 3.5 weeks until…I am terrified to even say it. So afraid I’ll jinx it. I’m hoping by then, praying with all I have in me, that 5.5 weeks from now we can speak about my transgression, and hopefully about what the future holds in regards to us. But I need to do more than pray. I need to believe it. I need to claim it, and release it to the universe.

I can’t measure their pain in time, nor can I Rush their healing and forgiveness. I’m willing to wait and postpone all previously made plans until whenever they are ready.

I just wish I knew how to fight for us while keeping my distance. I miss them so much it hurts. I want to hear their voices, their laughter—yet I can’t bring myself to watch any of our videos, the pain is too sharp.

So again, how do I give myself a break?! I really wish I knew. Writing helps me release some of what is building inside. Tiring myself out physically helps, too, but it’s not enough. I’m not sure anything will be. But I’m trying.

This isolation is not good for me right now. It’s like I’m trapped in my head. But what can I do? COVID is still a very real public health concern. I can’t risk my life and it’s not as if I have anywhere to go anyway.

I’m not motivated to paint anything. But I’ll try something tomorrow. Today has been super stressful just trying to maintain my mental on top of dealing with Sprint and their b.s. I am irritated and stressed and frustrated and lonely and angry and sad and disappointed and I MISS THEM.

I suppress the urge to text and call them and tell them about my day, what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. I want to ask them how their days have been, how they feel, what they did, what they ate and laughed at, I want to know everything. I don’t want to push them even further away or anger them. Sometimes I just want them to know I’m thinking about them. I want to say I love you. I want to reach out in some way without it having a negative affect on them or whatever further we have. But I can’t predict that. The only thing I can do is give them space. Part of why I even publish these revealing entries is so that if by chance they remember what this site is, they’ll read it. I say so much more on this blog about what goes on inside of my head and heart, than I say in real life. My words never come out right.

I still have hope. I still have faith. They are being tested right now, but I am still going strong. My mustard seed is gripped tightly in my fist.

I ask for strength and patience to make it through this. I intend to grow and learn and make progress within myself during this time. And this whole process of venting is helping.

Though I doubt anyone actually reads what I write here, thanks for taking the time out to read this. Hopefully you get something out of these stories, poems, hopes, and fears. May my journey inspire your own.

Ciao, for now.

NaPoWriMo 2020 – Day 2

“Salve”

Be not afraid, it’ll get better. You know comfort in your own embrace.

Slow your erratic beating, it will get better. We know this ache, familiar it is. The seared edges of the emptiness, contracting so.

Shhh my darling, no time for tears. It won’t last always. You know what’s on the horizon, no matter the bleak of yesterday. Find your mustard seed my dear, grasp it tightly. Stand firm on your truth and know it.

We Will Love Again.

Disclosure: Prince Charming (pt. 1)

Prince Charming

His love was like a gust of wind on a beautiful cloudless day. It heightened my senses and exposed me to the vastness of my own heart. And to be honest it was completely unexpected. Never did I think that my feelings would blossom into something so consuming. Into something so life changing. I never would have guessed he’d feel the same way.

This was no storybook boy-meets-girl situation. To say it was would dimish the complexity of our relationship. I worked hard to earn his love and trust, and in return he made me invaluable in his life. There were no secrets with us, no boundaries we couldn’t cross. He saw all of me, even the parts I attempted to hide. And he cherished them.

With a magnetic personality and a crooked smile he stormed into my life. Little did I know his charisma is what would catch my attention but his passion and tenacity would trap me. To know him was to love him, and I knew him better than anyone. He had me from the moment he kissed my hand and loving him became as reflexive as breathing.

I may never truly know why he chose me to give his heart to, or the exact moment he knew that there was more than just companionship between us. But I do know that even when my feelings were obvious and his own perplexed him, he remained unchanged.

Once love was claimed it was never denied, never made to be an object of shame; rather, he carried it with pride. He wiped my tears and made me laugh, he cooked for me and took me on adventures. We were young but we were on fire.

I realize now that he took care of me, protected me from almost everything that would cause me pain because he knew he couldn’t protect me from himself.

Over the years there was much confusion, longing, and heartache. But through it all there remained this inexplicable bond that reached down into my soul anchored by an immense love.

There was no fairytale ending for us though. Time and space and life, as they often do, have done their damage. But his legacy of honesty, trust, and adornment have stayed with me. He was my first love.

Stay Tuned

I’m contemplating writing a few short entries about different people I know, different periods in my life, that have affected me in so many ways…I wonder how this is gonna go.

I really don’t know where to begin though, or who to start with. Should I go from past to present, present to past, or be completely random in order?

Pause I know exactly who to start with…

Stay Tuned, Disclosure is coming.

CIAO!