I am transitioning. And it hurts like hell. I’m so frequently in a battle with myself mentally and spiritually. How did I end up here? When did I become discontent with the “way life is supposed to be”? Yet, I’m currently forced to go back into the fold, back to mundane existing, sun up sun down routine. It sucks, y’know? Having found (at least gotten a glimpse of) my purpose and the life that I desire to create for myself…but them knowing I can’t make it happen, and there’s no date in sight of when I’ll be able to live as I wish. I can set my own date. But finances aren’t guaranteed (as my present situation is evidence of). It’s only been a few days and already I’m feeling like a failure, which I know is unreasonable. I gave myself 2 weeks to get back on my feet, and so far things seem abysmal. I’m trying to stay positive though, hopefully I’ll at least get this substitute position in a school district close by or something else to supplement my income.
Painting has also bee neglected lately. I am sooooo behind on things. But I am changing how I talk to myself in regards to my art. I am so mean, cold, disrespectful to myself whenever I think about art and the things I haven’t created. It’s extremely hard for me to create when I am in a depression. My thoughts are on how to get myself out of this state of feeling helpless and hopeless, while still suffering from those same feelings. It’s a struggle. But I’m trying. I need to just sit in front of the painting with all my equipment, brushes, ready. Maybe then I’ll get the urge to paint. I do miss it. I get in my zone when I paint.
I’m not sure why, but I’ve been silencing myself. I’ve known that I needed to journal, even if out of frustration, but I keep putting it off. I’m not sure why. But that stops now. I’ve got to do this for me. For mu sanity, for my clarity. It helps, getting it out. I feel lighter sometimes. That can’t continue though. It’s a must that I keep at it, stay on this path of healing, enlightenment and growth. Admittedly it is HARD. But I know the rewards of seeing this through will be more than worth this struggle. I gotta work harder than my demons, every day. And on the days that seem too heavy, I know I have to make the next day better–and I will.
I need to start #TheLoveMeChallenge again to get back on track.
2 Weeks Notice 