I am challenging myself to Love Me. I live on myself more than I have in the past, but there are still some parts that need to be held and adorned—I need to make it a daily practice.
My confidence is not where I’d like it to be, and my faith is a bit shaken. I’ve been feeling this coming on for a while now, and today was kind of a wake up call for me—I need to isolate myself. I truly need to break this habit of self sabotage, self abuse, and neglect that I have been in since my teenage years. I’ve strayed so far from where I was and where I was heading, and I’m not okay with that. I need serious grounding, emotional reset, and spiritual recharge in order to get my life back on track. Something has to change, and it’s within me.
So, I’ve decided to take a hiatus from the world (mostly) and unplug (from society)—in other words, I am fasting from things that I feel are unhealthy for me and are hindering my growth, while turning my attentions inward.
I intend to use this time to ground myself spiritually, find the joy in just existing, get in tune with my intuition, and love myself unconditionally.
Here are the guidelines I will follow for the next 30 Days…
1. D A I L Y:
Journal — Online or in Notebook
Mediate 15+ Mins
Spend Time Outdoors
Read (a physical book)
2. S E L F – L O V E:
Mon.–Weds.–Fri.:
Art Stuff (create, work on brand, etc.)
Workout
Tues.–Thurs.:
Creative Writing
Self Improvement: Spiritual/Mental/Emotional Work
3. E L I M I N A T E:
Social Media
Negative Thinking
Television/Movies (unless with friends)
Poor Eating Habits
Dating
Sex* (one exception: Lil Yea vacay)
Frivolous Spending
4. C U T B A C K:
Vice Indulgence
Counter-productive/Negative Convos
Fast Food/Junk
Over Extending Self to Others
5. G O A L S:
Improve mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health
Gain confidence
Save Money
Gain clarity on my purpose
To Create
Declutter mentally/emotionally and Unblock spiritually
So here’s to a productive and love-filled 30 days!
I often start these entries with a negative statement such as “It’s been forever since I wrote anything”. I need to stop doing that. So, I’ll begin by saying this…
I’m glad I’m writing today, it’s been a mentally and emotionally challenging day. I revisited the Blessing Manifesting website because I knew I needed to get the day off my heart and shoulders. Why not see what the self-love journal prompt for Day 20 is?
“How can you give yourself a break today? (Mentally, physically, or emotionally.)
The past week, post Trio breakup, has been rough. Simply that, rough. Emotionally I’ve been a wreck, mentally I’m all over the place, physically I’ve been eating more than usual, but not so much that it’s becoming a problem. I’m heartbroken. The loves I had are mine no more. And it’s because of what I withheld. So I am at fault here, I broke my own heart. So many “what if” and “I wish” thoughts come to mind…but I can’t focus on a past I cannot change. I am grieving. My pain is mostly disappointment coupled with the ache of knowing I fractured the most beautiful and honest relationship I’ve ever had. And it was only physically in my grasp for a week and a half.
How do I give myself a break from the heart wrenching sadness I feel? How to I stop my mind from drifting to the good memories to the day everything shattered?
I don’t know honestly. All I want to do is sleep—I’m presently lying in bed as I type this on my phone. Sleep until I don’t feel this any more, until my day-to-day isn’t filled with memories of hurt etched on their faces. I want to sleep until I figure out a way to fix this—that which I cannot mend. Sleep until enough time has passed for the healing to have taken root.
I’ve been trying to watch TV, sleep, walk, pray, read, aimlessly scroll through social media—all in hopes of shutting off my brain. Saint and Bubbles are all I think about. It’s been a week since I left them. Time is dragging. I’m becoming panicked. I don’t want to be forgotten, left for good. Not again. I’ll never forget them. How can it be over before it truly began? I know they need space and time—but I feel like I’m drowning here.
I want my life to be somewhat normal again. But it hasn’t been normal for 2 months now. I don’t know what my new normal will be after this pandemic and after our relationship. I don’t want to go back to that place of bitterness and loneliness. I FINALLY opened my heart back up and gave it away. It took so long to recover from all of 2019. And as soon as I get to a point where I am ready to move forward, I knock myself back to square one.
Can life really be this cruel? I know I’m supposed to learn lessons and all, but damn. Does it always have to be like this? Do I have to keep crawling my way out of this hole of heartbreak and loneliness? How is it that most everyone but me can actually get into and maintain a relationship?
I don’t want to start over, I don’t want to date and meet new people. I don’t want to move on. I want them, us, our Trio. Nothing about saying goodbye to us feels right. And I don’t know how to put my feelings on pause and wait for them—but I have to. Wait to see if and when they forgive me, wait to see if they every want to give our trio another shot. Wait to see if their love for me is stronger than the pain I put them through.
I never want to be on the giving end of pain and heartache again—it hurts me regardless; possibly worse than what I felt when someone hurt me. I have so much remorse and guilt and regret. So many regrets in regard to my actions and lack there of. But I’m taking it day by day, hour by hour. Forgiving myself for my mistake.
I am not ready to give up on us, on The Trio. I never want to. I pray for our healing. And I pray I can have a chance to make it right, to atone for what I’ve done. I have to believe that deep down, beneath the pain, they can feel me. Feel my heart calling out to them, praying for their healing and restoration. For their trust to be rebuilt.
We are still connected. I want and need us to stay connected. Love can carry us through this. I just pray they still want that once time has passed. I have faith that this is not truly the end for us.
One week down. 2 more to go, to know for sure. Then 3.5 weeks until…I am terrified to even say it. So afraid I’ll jinx it. I’m hoping by then, praying with all I have in me, that 5.5 weeks from now we can speak about my transgression, and hopefully about what the future holds in regards to us. But I need to do more than pray. I need to believe it. I need to claim it, and release it to the universe.
I can’t measure their pain in time, nor can I Rush their healing and forgiveness. I’m willing to wait and postpone all previously made plans until whenever they are ready.
I just wish I knew how to fight for us while keeping my distance. I miss them so much it hurts. I want to hear their voices, their laughter—yet I can’t bring myself to watch any of our videos, the pain is too sharp.
So again, how do I give myself a break?! I really wish I knew. Writing helps me release some of what is building inside. Tiring myself out physically helps, too, but it’s not enough. I’m not sure anything will be. But I’m trying.
This isolation is not good for me right now. It’s like I’m trapped in my head. But what can I do? COVID is still a very real public health concern. I can’t risk my life and it’s not as if I have anywhere to go anyway.
I’m not motivated to paint anything. But I’ll try something tomorrow. Today has been super stressful just trying to maintain my mental on top of dealing with Sprint and their b.s. I am irritated and stressed and frustrated and lonely and angry and sad and disappointed and I MISS THEM.
I suppress the urge to text and call them and tell them about my day, what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. I want to ask them how their days have been, how they feel, what they did, what they ate and laughed at, I want to know everything. I don’t want to push them even further away or anger them. Sometimes I just want them to know I’m thinking about them. I want to say I love you. I want to reach out in some way without it having a negative affect on them or whatever further we have. But I can’t predict that. The only thing I can do is give them space. Part of why I even publish these revealing entries is so that if by chance they remember what this site is, they’ll read it. I say so much more on this blog about what goes on inside of my head and heart, than I say in real life. My words never come out right.
I still have hope. I still have faith. They are being tested right now, but I am still going strong. My mustard seed is gripped tightly in my fist.
I ask for strength and patience to make it through this. I intend to grow and learn and make progress within myself during this time. And this whole process of venting is helping.
Though I doubt anyone actually reads what I write here, thanks for taking the time out to read this. Hopefully you get something out of these stories, poems, hopes, and fears. May my journey inspire your own.
Be not afraid, it’ll get better. You know comfort in your own embrace.
Slow your erratic beating, it will get better. We know this ache, familiar it is. The seared edges of the emptiness, contracting so.
Shhh my darling, no time for tears. It won’t last always. You know what’s on the horizon, no matter the bleak of yesterday. Find your mustard seed my dear, grasp it tightly. Stand firm on your truth and know it.
I am such a procrastinator. I am sooooo lazy and just neglectful of this blog, my passions, and most importantly myself.
There’s really no reason or excuse, I have just become a lazy blob. And I hate it…
But recently while scrolling through Instagram I ran across an interesting post which sparked some a sort of epiphany…The guy’s post were a few personal words expressing how over the years he’s become someone he loathes and how he let himself down after vowing to never become like “typical” men and treat women with disrespect. Though the post was short and sweet, the context of his words resonated with me in a place that I often try to hide or ignore.
I responded immediately because although I understood where his feelings of disappointment and dislike were coming from, I felt he needed to hear from someone else who harbored similar feelings that it was okay for him to not like who he is at this moment. I said,
“We all become people we don’t recognize and vowed we’d never be. But the truth is, that’s how we find and create ourselves.”
It wasn’t until I decided to make that statement a personal post on my IG that I realized how true those words were for me. At this stage in my life I feel like I’ve hit a completely different rock bottom than where I was even last year. I am creatively blocked (possibly my own doing) in both art and writing, I am doing absolutely nothing to better myself physically (even though I have every reason to put the pedal to the metal), I am limiting myself spiritually, academically, professionally, financially, and emotionally. This list can go on and on and on…but regardless of how much more of my failure and shortcomings I write I know that all of these issues I am having are now rooted in myself. I am the cause of my own demise. I allowed myself to get to this point, to become a person that I truly hate. And yet, I do nothing about it. It has taken me waaaaaaay too long to openly admit this. I know that we all know in the back of our minds that we are responsible for the person that we are and become, we are solely responsible for our happiness. And I have a habit of placing the blame for my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life on numerous outside influences.
But really, it’s me.
Plain and simply. I lack drive, I am lazy, I am afraid of both success and failure–though by hindering and stunting myself I am ensuring my failure (yes I know, it’s stupid.). I am unhappy. And I keep trying to figure out when I became this person. When exactly did I lose who I used to be? Was it one isolated incident, a series of events? Honestly the answers to these questions will not change the fact that I am still here, in this personal hell that I have created for myself.
I am at a point where I am extremely uncomfortable being this person, being this stranger. I miss the ambition and inspiration. I miss the action, the bit of confidence I had. I really do. I miss how I saw myself (as far as my abilities; I am, however, glad that my other insecurities are fading). I hate who I have become.
But just like I told that brother on Instagram, this stage of self loathing is necessary in order for us to become who we are meant to be. I needed to reach this place so that I could grow from it, come up out of the muck and shine anew. I know it will be a laborious and daunting journey–and I’ll probably give up a few times–but I have to move, I have to leave this place of self-hate. I must find my peace and my happiness.
As of late I have reconnected with someone special from my past, shall we call him Mr. OVO. I like to reference him to Drake because just as Mr. Graham himself, he’s very open and honest about his feelings, his mistakes, his dreams, and has so much confidence in himself regardless of his past/current situations. It doesn’t hurt that a couple of Drake’s storytelling rhymes eerily align with our unique relationship. Mr. OVO has been a special person to me since the day we met (which I remember quite well, even with my janky memory LOL). I’ll delve deeper into our past in another post, but I bring him up to say that we have recently reconnected and I am glad because he is now filling a role that I never anticipated him to, but am glad he is doing so. This is both on a friendship level as well as a romantic level. He’s been such a great ear and critic, he doesn’t make excuses for my excuses, he tells me how it is. But all the while he supports me, encourages me, is interested in my success and happiness, and he loves me to top it all off.
So, along with him, and my own motivation I believe that I can take these hundreds of steps in the direction I need to be going, actually, I already have begun. Thanks to him I have a new found courage and perspective. And thanks to me for not giving up on myself entirely. I think a part of me knew that I needed to reach this low point. I knew there were some things I needed to learn about myself, about what I want and what I truly need. I am not sure exactly how any of this will play out, but I will do my best to record it via this blog, my poetry, and in my art. And I will become her, the woman that I envision in my head. The woman my soul is craving to release.
I will take control of my life, of my heart, of my mind.
His love was like a gust of wind on a beautiful cloudless day. It heightened my senses and exposed me to the vastness of my own heart. And to be honest it was completely unexpected. Never did I think that my feelings would blossom into something so consuming. Into something so life changing. I never would have guessed he’d feel the same way.
This was no storybook boy-meets-girl situation. To say it was would dimish the complexity of our relationship. I worked hard to earn his love and trust, and in return he made me invaluable in his life. There were no secrets with us, no boundaries we couldn’t cross. He saw all of me, even the parts I attempted to hide. And he cherished them.
With a magnetic personality and a crooked smile he stormed into my life. Little did I know his charisma is what would catch my attention but his passion and tenacity would trap me. To know him was to love him, and I knew him better than anyone. He had me from the moment he kissed my hand and loving him became as reflexive as breathing.
I may never truly know why he chose me to give his heart to, or the exact moment he knew that there was more than just companionship between us. But I do know that even when my feelings were obvious and his own perplexed him, he remained unchanged.
Once love was claimed it was never denied, never made to be an object of shame; rather, he carried it with pride. He wiped my tears and made me laugh, he cooked for me and took me on adventures. We were young but we were on fire.
I realize now that he took care of me, protected me from almost everything that would cause me pain because he knew he couldn’t protect me from himself.
Over the years there was much confusion, longing, and heartache. But through it all there remained this inexplicable bond that reached down into my soul anchored by an immense love.
There was no fairytale ending for us though. Time and space and life, as they often do, have done their damage. But his legacy of honesty, trust, and adornment have stayed with me. He was my first love.
Here it is…July twenty-something and I haven’t written anything in months…jeez. So muxh has happened and yet not much has changed.
I am alright. Still blessed beyond what I should be.
I have an interesting array of spirits housed within the people who are in my world now. Some of them very unexpected, but overall I am pleased and excited to see where these friendships go. God is moving, doing his/her thing and I am just going along for the ride…
I might make my own NaPoWriMo come August so I can flex my poetic skills and give a nice charge to the creative side of my brain.
I always have things to say, so many thoughts, so many things I’ve reflected on.
And just for the sake of writing, I shall write a little something about someone new…
UNTITLED (for now…)
You are golden.
Not merely in complexion
But in essence.
Your spirit shines through your eyes
And your smile,
Reflects the genuine heart of a child.
Though mild,
Our conversations flow freely
And intellectually
Leaving me satisfied yet craving more.
Your voice is like melted butter on homemade bread
Guttural and sultry.
And I don’t even think you know
How it cloaks me.
Reminding me of comfort and peace
Strength and security,
Demanding the attention of the Woman in me.
In awe at the wonder of you, I am contentedly.
But beyond your physical attributes
Blessed as they are,
Your soul shines warm
Like sunlight through a glaze of honey.
I find myself drawn to it
To you,
Wanting to delve deeper than the ocean’s floor
Into your mind
Ripe as a peach
And sweet as a plum.
You are an unexpected one.
A pleasure to behold
And I know,
That the worth of an man like you
Is priceless.
Even amongst a sea of rubies and gold.
I like this…
It is exciting and yet comfortable
I am filled with a sense of giddiness
And peace
There is no pressure
No awkwardness
It just feels…right.
Wherever this road may lead
Whether we are at its end
and will go separate ways
Or if we’re just beginning this trek
I am glad that our paths have crossed
That I had this experience,
This time with you.
I am back where I belong
Where I feel like I fit in
I am in the place that gives me purpose
And peace of mind
But some how I feel like my world is off kilter
Like something is missing
My day-to-day is already ingrained within me, has been for years
but why is it that now the routine that once brought order to my life now feels strange and foreign and fills me with dread
What is it I am longing for
My nights are filled with jumbled thoughts and feelings of emptiness
Sleep is stolen by this unknown passenger that has tagged along for the ride
It has no name but many come to mind
Names that reflect the dozens of thoughts that race through my mind
Why am I in this place, driving with a direction but unsure of whether or not I will like the location I end up in
What does all of this mean
Why now
I feel as if I’m incomplete, as though I am missing a vital part of me and I am not sure how long I can last without it
…or maybe I’m just over thinking and overreacting.
2 Weeks Notice 